|
fungiglasses
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Mallory
Country: United States
State: Oregon
Gender: Female
Interests: I am going to school for American Sign Language. I love God and I am trying to figure out what it means to love Him with my life, and trying to figue out how to love others...really. School and work are my life right now. I love my family and cherish my friends.
Expertise: procrastination and sleeping.
I LOVE SLEEPING!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/22/2004
|
|
| I just wish you'd stay away, it's safer for me. I'm comfortable here and I know this place very well. You make me nervous, and I hardly have the words to say hello. I have all these questions for you, but will I ever ask them? Will I gain the courage to step forward or will follow in the footsteps of 4 years ago; hurt you to protect me. When you know me will you still like me, just the way I am? Will you still be here when I return? For that I am hoping. All I can do is give it to God and I do, daily, in fact more than once a day. And still I'm drawn to you, but for now I will keep my heart, guard it and not give it away. We are at the beggining but maybe the beggining will be where it ends but maybe this will truely just be the beggining. I'm not really sure about anything except that God will lead this. I'm just here. I lied, I don't really want you to stay away. | | |
| I'm always the one who is waiting. and I think I like it although I want it to go away. Lord be near and help me to seek you . With passion and with knowing that my passion feels like a fire that has been dampened. New Haven is so beautiful, you are beautiful and I get to catch a glimps of that when I look at creation. And I'm so priveledged and I smile. And I love you as much as I know how at this moment. Maybe that's all you ask of me, I know that's all I have to give. | | |
| bare before youPlease forgive the doubt in my soul. I want to believe and I do, but there comes a point in my mind where I say that I'm not sure if You are gonna come through. You are God and I need to give you the benefit of the doubt, but here I sit. Why lie to you? This is what I am thinking anyway. I'm so sorry. What if I'm not in your will. What if I am working at the wrong place with the wrong people and maybe I am supposed to be someplace other than here. Christ, I want to know you. Once again will you show yourself to me? Am I an unbelieving generation, is this what happens after being a christian for so long? I wont let you go, yet I don't really know how to hold onto you. I don't even have the place to tell others the cheeky things I refuse to believe myself. I have the "right" answers but that doesn't satisfy me. Only you can, the real you. But it seems no matter how hard I search I will never find you. Where did our relationship go? Craig is honest enough to say that he is having troubles in his relationship with you and therefore feels he should not be leading this team. Where did my courage go? I have no place "leading" this team. And it's not just the unworthy crap that people deal with... I just don't even feel like I know you anymore. Yet I've felt that way for a year and a half now. Something needs to change, but what? What Lord, WHAT?! I search and search and I find nothing, I try so hard and I am no closer to you, yet it is the ONE thing I need. And what's worse is I know it exists. I've tasted it before, you ruiend me. I've run out of things to say, things to repent for and even things to prasie you for. Not because you no longer deserve it, but because I will not say things I hope I mean...or maybe I'm just lazy. How did I get here? I'm a pharasie. And like I prayed 2 years ago, save me from myself. Help me find my way to Zion once again. | | |
| I like to write on here, 'cause not many people read this anymore. I want to write, and not for the sake of others reading it. I have problems, many. And I don't want to get caught up in self pity, so I ignore them and then before I know it, I am overwhelmed and I turn to food, rather than to God. At least it's tangable, but I am still empty. I have a million words to say to Him, but when I gain the strength to approach Him, I have nothing to say, only tears. Knowing every word that comes out of my mouth will make me a hypocrite, but I guess my heart already does this. I honestly feel like I am drowning. And I guess it's in the pool of my own selfishness. God I can't see you, or feel you. In fact I question you...I'm sorry. I want to trust you, maybe this is the process it takes. I do love you, I just am so unclear of what that actually means, because it's supposed to be more than words. In my life, it's not. So this is it Lord, I am at this broken place, you like to call the cross. Everyday life is so painful, and I feel so alone. Will you save me? I need your touch, your healing touch; to make me whole...or not even that, but at least to just touch me, see me, let me know you are here. I know feelings arn't everything, but my feelings convince me that I am in a grave, alive but burried and rotting away. Screaming underground with the insects eating away my flesh, unbury me. I know there is light on the other side, but I cannot see it. Do you hear my silent cries and constant sorrow? When will you reach down and save me from this pit? Forgive me of my sins...that's basically all I say to you, I hope that's enough and I hope you are concerned with more than that, prove me wrong. I had a dream the other night, that people were reading my journals, and all that was in them was stories of pain...lots of pages about who I really am. And this man picked up his guitar, while holing in his hand one of my many writings, he made a song out of my pain. I was a little embarrassed, for now everyone knew. But I was releived...at least I didn't have to hide it anymore, and I liked the song. Maybe you'll do that with the true story of who I am... Just Broken. I don't know where to go from here. | | |
| God is before the beggining | | |
|
