Horoscopes

Aries: You always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy.  Turns out, it's the tentacles.

Taurus: After six weeks, you'll begin wondering how Jonah got so much done in one of these things.

Gemini: You've long known that if you stretched all the veins in the human body, end to end, it would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it was cool to see first hand, right?

Cancer: Your irrational fear of doctors will dissapear this week.  Unfortunately, it will be replaced by a rational, justified fear of them.

Leo: When you re-enter America, remove the heroin-filled condoms from your stomach immediately.

Virgo: Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.

Libra: Everyone will be talking about your great personality next week, it's customary at funerals.

Scorpio: Althought you've long known where babies come from, you'll still be shocked to find out how they got there to begin with.

Saggitarius:  You'll finally come out of your shell this week.  Unfortunately, you're a turtle.

Capricorn: You will find yourself torn between two lovers.  One refuses to let you go, the other chained you to the bumper of their truck.

Aquarius: Things may look bad, but it's no time to panic.  Just trust the nice man with the megaphone, he wants to help you.

Pisces: Sooner of later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it might be, who the girl is, what's in the duffle bag, and why the helecopter noise keeps getting louder.

Horoscopes!!


Aries (Mar. 21-April 19): The object of your affection seems to be oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, because elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): If jackalopes are imaginary, that raises the question, "Who's been doing your laundry all these months?"

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You tend to get upset over the smallest things. Fortunately for you, you will only encounter huge, horrible disasters this week.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You've always felt that your father watches you from heaven, A belief that has kept you from sleep for the past 6 years.

Leo (July 23-Aug.22): You will be unpleasantly surprised to find the cops no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The stars indicate you should throw out your chilidish things. Yes, that includes your spouse and children.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):  You will experience conflicting emotions when upon arriving home next friday, all your friends will surprise you with a loud "Hey" and then kill you with axes.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov.21): You will be overjoyed next thursday when you meet the most shameless slut ever, thus ending your lifelong search for your real mother.

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec. 21): This is a great time for your career! Which isn't a good thing for everyone, since you're a coroner, but hey.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):  Your love for shiny things and bright lights mixed with your fear of loud noises will bring about your untimely death next thursday, when you go to a fireworks display.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will recieve a letter from Johnny Cash stating, without reason, that he is severely disappointed with you.  You should have taken out the trash, too.
 
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Remember, sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what really swing the jury. Besides, we all know you did it.

Oh man, if you never want me to do this again, don't be afraid to kill me.

(note to self-don't do this again, regardless of whether im dead or not)

I should sleep.