Friday the 13thI haven't felt this sad in a long time. I've just felt so completely alone lately. I rarely [very rarely] cry, and today I cried for about two hours. I just want to die. It's just that everything in my life feels so fucked up lately. I don't even know where to begin... First off, I have no fucking friends. This isn't even really an exaggeration. My best friend (R) and me rarely even talk anymore. Today we did hang out for a few hours but then she said she had to go home and eat dinner. So, she and I both went home and I got on myspace and saw that one of my other friends had written that she was hanging out with R. I felt pretty upset about that because my own best friend can't even fucking stand me. And we were supposed to go to this party tonight but then she texted me later saying that she didn't know if it was still going on and she didn't feel like wasting gas if it wasn't still on. And neither of us had his number. So then I asked her if she wanted to hang out later and she was like, "Well there's nothing really to do." So I was just like, "Whatever I guess I'm just going to bed. Peace." So that pissed me off. And really I don't have any other close friends for girls beside her anymore. My other supposed "friends" ignore my phone calls and never call me back. Whateverrr. Then my parents think I'm fucking anorexic and it annoys the shit outta me. They are always bringing up how I weigh myself everyday, and their worried, and blah blah fucking blah. It's annoying. And they are always going out to dinner and trying to get me to come along. But lately I have been sleeping so much that I just use that as an excuse so I don't have to go out. I hate eating full meals. It's just too much food. Then okay, I've been talking to this guy lately. I thought he seemed really nice and cool. So last night I met him over at his friends house and they were all drinking, but I didn't drink because I was driving home. I just got really baked. So I was like trying to leave but he dragged me into the bedroom with him. We were in there talking and he was trying to get me to have sex with him. I didn't really want to because we haven't really been talking that long and usually if you just have sex with a guy too early they don't really respect you, and never talk to you again. Or at least that's what I've learned from my past experiences. So anyway, he was telling me how he wanted to get laid and we were making out and stuff. I told him I didn't wanna have sex so he was like okay then once you leave I'm just gonna call some other girl. But then I made him promise that he wouldn't call anyone else, but I was worried that he wouldn't like me anymore if I didn't. So I ended up having sex with him because I didn't know what else to do. I just feel so stupid that a guy pressured me into having sex with him. I feel used. I just hate myself sometimes. I've been cutting a lot again lately too. It's such an old habit. I've been doing it for about 5 years now. I don't know how to get rid of it. I wish I could just be happy. I don't wanna feel this way anymore. Tonight I was bawling so I started texting one of my close guy friends. Actually he's basically the only person I would even consider a friend right now. And I told him all of this, which I have never told anyone any of this stuff. I just feel so bad for dragging him into my fucked up life. I swear I'm going crazy. I'm so depressed. I literally sleep all day long. I don't do anything really, because I have no fucking life. I lay in bed and watch tv and just doze in and out all day long. I'm pathetic. And what I don't get is, what have I done to not have any friends...because really I haven't done anything. I wonder what did I do to deserve a life like this. Other people can go about their lives and be happy and I'm always so depressed. I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore... sorry this was so long. 
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