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gayhandyman
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Name: J
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Dallas
Gender: Male
Interests: Stand-Up Comedy, Movies, TV, Writing;
Heroes: Al Franken, Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby, Paul Reiser, Steve Oedekerk, Michael Moore
Expertise: Pop-Culture Junkie.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/13/2005
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| To All My Loyal Fans, All 3 Of You...
Sorry for not
writing. I just felt like no one cares. But, it's time to be funny
again. I've been writing new material, getting back into the clubs
scene, and I even have my own show next Thursday. (Shameless plug)
So yeah, come out, it'll be a good show. Time to attempt to be funny...
Gay MarriageAlrighty, so in Texas, an ammendmant to the
Texas constitution was passed to define marriage as between a man and a
woman and ban same sex civil unions. I looked it up in Webster's
Dictionary:
mar·riage
n.
1.
1. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.
2. The state of being married; wedlock.
3. A common-law marriage.
4. A union between two persons having the customary but usually not the legal
force of marriage: a same-sex marriage.
2. A wedding.
3. A close union: “the most successful marriage of beauty and blood in mainstream
comics” (Lloyd Rose).
4. Games. The combination of the king and queen of the same suit, as in pinochle.
So ... according to ye olde english dictionary, marriage is already
defined as a legal union between a man and a woman. However, it does
have a definition for same sex marriage. How is it that the definition
of the word accommodates both, but the law can't? I don't even know why
gay people want to be married. Marriage is just someone telling you
what to do. If I wanted someone telling me what to do, I'd just vote
Republican. Marriage is an institution.
in·sti·tu·tion
A place for the care of persons who are destitute, disabled, or mentally ill.
So ... MARRIAGE IS FOR RETARDS!!!!! So then if married people are
retarded .... then that means that unmarried people are normal. So if a
gay person is not allowed to be married, that means they can't be
retarded, which means they are normal, which means that homosexuality
is a normal phenomenon.
Now, again, I in no way condone or speak out against homosexuality. All
I know is that it's here, and it doesn't look like it's going away
anytime soon.
Identity TheftSomeone
stole my ID. Who would want to be me? I'm unemployed, can't get a date,
I live with my parents. How pathetic is someone's life that mine is
actually an upgrade? I'll bet as soon as he became me, he got a face
full of acne and a collection of "Weird Al" Yankovic CDs.
I don't know why people complain about ID theft. Now, I can steal Tom
Cruise's ID. I'd date Katy Holmes, and when I got her pregnant, I'd
steal Brad Pitt's ID.
Is that enough funny to tide people over for a while?
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| My dad and I have been to 8 funerals between the two of us in the last
year alone. I think we're desensitized to them now. The last funeral I
went to, I tried to get a date for. Because if you think about it, a
funeral is the perfect first date. A girl's not gonna say no, it's a
funeral. And if I make it look like me and the deceased were close,
guarunteed second date!
Today's funeral, my dad kept on trying to get me to score sympathy
points with the girls there. I swear, if my dad ever dies, he's just
gonna haunt me and say, "Stop trying to settle my estate and go use the
'my dad just died' line to pick up some girls!" See, I have an excuse
for my selfish intentions. It's genetic.
So far, every funeral I've been to has been someone who was younger
than my dad. It's actually kinda comforting when people younger than
him die. It's like we've been there, we're safe. He's passed that
marker.
If my dad ever dies ... I think his funeral would be short, out of
respect to him. Because he always wants to leave funerals before they
even start. I would probably make an announcement, "Please, do us all a
favor, don't bring us any food. My dad hated y'alls cooking. We'd
rather you gave us money for Thai Food."
My dad has a very passive attitude towards life: "I enjoy their company
while they're here, I live without them while they're gone." My dad
taught me that attachments were a sign of weakness. Along with
shitting, sleeping, and eating. Don't believe me? When's the best time
to attack an opponent: When he's on the can, fast asleep, or scarfing
down a steak.
My dad may hate me, and advise men to get vasectomys at the age of 39,
and think I'm just the biggest disgrace to the Mandyam name ... but, I
don't think I'm ready to give him up just yet. Don't get me wrong, it's
not cuz I'm attached. I just wanna be able to laugh in his face when
all the engineers in America are unemployed while I'm making people
laugh. I love you dad. (If my dad read that, he'd say, "Don't be gay."
My dad doesn't like the phrase "I love you". Maybe that's where I got
my love is a myth theory...)
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| I wish professors would re-instate assigned seats, because it's the
only way I can sit next to a hot girl without seeming creepy.
My dad tried to convince me to be an Engineer by saying it gives me a
certain way of thinking to approach everyday situations. Well, I guess
that's true:
Flat Tire:
Engineer - Jacks up the the car, changes the tire, buys a new spare.
Film Major - Calls Triple A
Toilet's Clogged:
Engineer - Snakes the drain, and unclogs.
Film Major - Continues to use it till it spills out
Laundry:
Engineer - Creates a sorting algorithm by color to prevent bleeding.
Film Major - Only has 1 black shirt and jeans don't need to be washed
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| Sarah Flashback:
Today's Episode: Shopping With Sarah
Okay, so I think about November of last year, Sarah and
I got in a fight over something retarded, as usual, and so, I guess in
an effort to ... reconcile, she invited me to go shopping with her.
Shopping with your girlfriend is odd and uncomfortable as it is ...
imagine how much more odd and uncomfortable shopping with a girl you're
not going out with is. Yes, that's right, she put me on purse duty. We
enter a store, it's like a reflex, she hands me the purse. I look
around and I see a preppy guy sitting on a bench outside the fitting
rooms, holding a purse. Then I see a punker dressed in all black, with
all sorts of piercings on his face, holding
a black, leather purse, with a chain attached to his punker
girlfriend’s belt buckle. Then I look over and see two display
mannequins: The female is dressed in nice clothes, with the male right
next to her in nice clothes, carrying a designer purse.
We all naturally give each other the acknowledging look, only
difference is that all these guys have a chance of getting some makeout
action afterwards.
I think stores like that need to have playpens for the boyfriends. I
mean, guys would be more inclined to go shopping with their girlfriends
if they could like play with the other boyfriends while the girls are
in the fitting rooms. Like when you drop your kids in the playpen at
the gym, so you can go workout.
So, Sarah goes to the shoe displays, and sees these open-toed shoes,
and says, "Oh my god, I hate open toed shoes!" and she starts knocking
them off the rack. Then she finds some outfit that she really digs and
goes to the fitting room to try it on. See, the difference between me
and Sarah is she shops and I buy. Shopping is picking out clothes,
trying on clothes, putting back clothes, pissing off fitting room
attendents, and purchasing only 2 items. Buying is grabbing whatever's
cheap and closest to the checkout counter with the hottest checkout
clerk.
So she finishes trying on her outfit and calls me into the fitting room
to give my opinion (God knows why she'd want it. My idea of a good
outfit is a faded Metallica shirt and torn jeans). I put one foot in,
and get attacked by these people and they're all like, "No men in the
fitting room!", "No touching!" and so on.
So she walks out of the fitting room area, and well, it wasn't bad looking:
Me: You look good.
Sarah: Good? That's all? That's it, I'm not getting it.
Me: What? What's wrong with good?
Sarah: Good's not good enough.
Me: You look great.
Sarah: What am I a box of Frosted Flakes?
Me: It's amazing.
Sarah: Well, now I know you don't mean it. You already told me I look good. Fine, on a scale of 1 to 10.
Me: Umm, seven?
Sarah: A seven?!
And she storms away.
I just can't win! So, yeah, okay she tries on some other skirt:
Me: You look amazingly perfectly fantabulously awesome.
Sarah: That's not even a real compliment!
Me: Oy jeez. Freaking fine, it's awesome. You look great. Fantastic. Amazing.
Sarah: It's $118. But I can only wear it once.
I'm sorry, did I miss something? Do they now make disposable skirts for
women? Wear it once, throw it away. Shit, if I spent $118 on a skirt,
I'd wear that everyday for the rest of my life. For that much money to
be a one time use skirt, it'd better have diaper functions too.
So she picks out some outfit, and we go to pay. Now she takes her purse
back and gives me all the clothes to hold. The cashier rings it up,
gives the total ... and there's about 45 seconds of awkward silence.
Scrunchees roll by as if tumbleweeds. The cashier is waiting for
someone to pay. Well shit, it ain't gonna be me. I'm not her boyfriend.
She finally pays. But of course, I have to hold the bags on the way
back to the car.
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| It's Good To Be Home...
Well, not really ... but, the absence of fighting and yelling was getting on my nerves.
I guess we'll start off with the stupid airlines losing my luggage.
That's right, I waited for 40 minutes for my bag, and it never showed!
When I complained to Continental, the lady just said, "Yeah. It wasn't
on your flight. Maybe it'll come in on the next one." What the hell do
you mean it wasn't on my flight? I checked the bag in, I even gave the
baggage handler a generous tip ($3 for one bag less than 50 lbs) to
ensure my bag got to Dallas. And then there's the maybe
it might come in on the next one. You haven't even decided which plane
to send my bag on, you just know it wasn't mine. This is all my
sister-in-law's fault for not renewing her pilots license so I wouldn't
have to fly commercial.
So yeah, two weeks with the nephew was awesome. Taught him some new
tricks, like how to climb down the stairs, and get out of going to
school. And as usual, he ruined all my nice shirts. Hard to pick up
girls in the airport when all your shirts smell like baby mucus.
Then I was stranded in Phoenix for 3 days. Boy oh boy, I
thought Dallas was a dull place for tourists ... then I saw Phoenix. My
cousin's kid took me to a mall ... there was a Target next door to a
Nordstroms. You can't have the rich fuckers shopping with the
rednecks! I mean, people who're buying Ralph Lauren Polos shouldn't
have to hear the sound of falling prices next door. Or maybe that is
the tourist attraction...
My cousin's kid had his high school graduation party. I felt so old,
surrounded by all this high school tail. As if that wasn't bad enough,
when all the parents cleared out of the joint ... I was made defacto
chaperone. So naturally, it's a high school party and high school kids
are obsessed with one thing: alcohol and getting drunk in the parking
lot without their parents knowing. Oh to be young and an idiot again
... or at least just be young, cuz according to my dad, I still am an
Idiot. Don't believe me, here's how drunk some of the girls were: They
were actually talking to me.
Dear God: Is it really too much to ask for to
find a sane, non-ugly girl, who my mother can't stand, who doesn't come
up to me in the parking lot after a show and tell me I'm funny, and who
is NOT some drunk high school bailjait who is just talking to me because I'm in college and she wants to make her boyfriend jealous?
My dad told me how to deal with underraged drinking in high school:
"Don't drink. It's much harder to take advantage of the drunk girls if you're drunk."
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