contentment

what does it mean to be content?

i think that it means that a life is in balance.  in balance between living in the moment and yet also looking forward to blessings in the future.  and this is such a hard balance to find.  especially when people around you are pushing, pushing you forward, and you feel like all you want to do is curl up and say "no, not yet, just let things come as they will."  or, as my lovely roommate would sing with me, "let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be..."

i don't want to get so caught up in the future that i can't enjoy the way things are exactly right now.  not even that i'm just living in the moment, but that i'm taking joy in the way things are right now.  laying on my bed next to my best friend, eating meals with good friends, driving around in the car between places and enjoying the journey between as much as the destination, even the moment between when you first wake up and when you really need to get out of bed.  those moments are so precious.  even silence is precious.  i need to remember that.  let it be.

i love what paul says in philippians: 

"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength." 4:11-13

this was so poignant when i got back from zambia, and still today, when i think about how much i have and how my dear friends back in zambia don't have enough money for food, for school fees, for medicine.  i can't say i've reached a point of contentment yet with living in plenty.  more laziness and apathy than contentment.  but anyhow.  i desire to be content with where i am, in my life, in my relationships, in how much i know about my future and how much is still so hidden.  and that's ok.  because, not in any cliche way but because i've seen it as true in my life, God is sovereign and in control, and He is good.

so good.

i never thought i'd be here.

truly.  i never ever thought i'd be here.

here as in wheaton college.  and a history major.  living in the 4th state in 3 years.

here as in a completely new, radically different person than i was 4 years ago.

or even 1 year ago.

here as in a nearly college graduate who is going to have to leave her  amazing house full of best friends in 2 months and venture into the real world.  alone?  but not alone.

here as in being passionate about things like theology, poverty, AIDS, zambia, people i don't even know yet.

here as in not knowing at all what even 3 months from now will hold.  and being ok with that, because even if i don't know, my God does.

here as in falling...? (am i?)

and yet, some things remain.  full circle, perhaps?  is love and life like that?

(i think that i like being a little stream of consciousness-esque)

Currently Listening The Everglow By Mae the ocean see related

procrastination - a thing of beauty.

so is the whole xanga thing still worthwhile?  who knows.  probably not.  but this is just what happens when there's one day till spring break and i have a stupid history paper due that i don't want to write and haven't even started. 

i'm ready to be done with school.  i'm ready to stop just thinking about things but never doing anything about those things.  i want to think and act, to be a holistic, not a dualistic person.  i want to see the world, to see people, to hear people and their lives, to hear realness and depth and pain and joy.  the only thing i am not ready for is to leave this house, these girls, my precious friends.  i know i've left others before, and by God's grace, our friendships have been sustained.  but it sucks to have to leave community once you've found it, because i think it is so rare.  i want to seek out community, always, intentionally, regardless of where i am or what i'm doing.

i am also ready to go on spring break.  i pretty much can't wait to spend a week roadtripping out to colorado with 3 of my favorite girls in tiger, getting out of the flatlands and into the mountains, skiing, hot springs, granola, milking goats, laughing, praying, dressy bowling with some cadets.  living together away from school.  joy!  i also pretty much can't wait to see a certain air force cadet who shall remain nameless.    o, to be loved is glorious.  my life is so full of wonderful people.  and they are my family.  which becomes increasingly clear as i see myself drifting from my immediate family.  thank God for the dear friends who pour love and encouragement, life and joy into my life, who share life and passion and Christ with me.

Currently Listening Nickel Creek By Nickel Creek when you come back down see related

two weeks from right now, i'll still be on a plane, somewhere in the atlantic ocean between atlanta and johannesburg. 

i pray that i am going to zambia for the right reasons.  please pray for me as well, friends.

ok i love wheaton college, but today i had probably the most ridiculous interaction with a professor since i left quite possibly middle school...

so i'm taking my african history test, and about half an hour into the test, my stomach starts to cramp up.  i've been having some stomach problems lately, and i can tell when i realllly need to go to the bathroom.  so i get up, leave my test on my desk, and move towards the door, unsuspiciously, and kind of in a hurry.  i nearly reach the threshold (nice word, eh?), when my teacher who's sitting front of the class reading papers or something tells me, no i cannot go to the bathroom, i must WAIT for the girl who is in the bathroom now to get back.  WHAT!?!  what did he think, we were going to have a pow-wow in the stalls?  i didn't even know another girl had gone!  and at a christian school, i would hope we would have high enough standards for ourselves so as not to cheat!  i nearly walked out the door anyway, but seething, i sat down and waited for this girl to get back before i went.  man alive.  what, are we going to have to resort to hall passes now??  hello, college!

anyhow, that's my rant for today.  well, i've been sitting rather than lying down for too long for my stomach to handle it well, so i'm off.  watch out for those african history profs though... watch out.

Currently Listening Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) see related