http://www.xanga.com/refinedbyfire517

 

I am starting over. Grace has flowed down upon me, and I am set free.

I need help! Officers, I KNOW you can help me with this...well maybe. I need a size 20 uniform shirt for the summer. I have two size 22s (which are huge on me) and a size 20 that is kinda big and short and yellowing....so, needless to say, I need help. I've been trying to get one for a year now, but none of my three officers ever ordered one for me, so I'm really in trouble now, with camp being a week away. if you can help me in any way, please, please do! I know most of you get there June 11th (for conservatory or the other camps) and I'll be there that day too. so please please help because I'll be needing it all summer, because of top choir & band at both conservatory and TMI. por favor?

I just feel so disconnected lately. Everyone is living their lives without me....it's like I'm in this glass cube and everything outside of it is alternating between superspeed and slow motion. I'm watching things destroy themselves in slow motion, I'm watching things happen, without actually being there to live them. My life is out of my control, my glass cube keeps me from being noticed or seen or worst of all, heard. Time is slipping away, and sometimes, when it is least wanted, people notice me and berate me for the "bad" I've done. I'm only noticed to be made fun of and then instantly forgotten. I can hear what they say, but the cube keeps my voice from leaving. My opinion isn't heard, my words of caution or thrown into the wind. The lies accumulate inside my cube, slowly suffocating me, slowly driving me to fade away. My life is being handled by other people, no matter how much I try to tell them to leave me alone or let me decide or quit being rude or mean to me about things......

life is passing me by, and my cube was meant to keep me protected, but in the end it's my downfall. as much as I try to open up or tell people what I'm thinking or why I'm doing the things I'm doing, they either don't believe me or brush it off. just know that I'm not trusting any of you with any of this again, so you can't shove it in my face or talk about it behind my back. I know things you don't about what you're saying about me and I must say: if you can't get the facts straight, can't stop yourself from lying, can't keep the jealousy away, can't just leave it alone, can't let my life be lived by me, then just...leave. blowing things out of proportion and calling me crazy for "knowing" what God has in store for me because Heaven forbid I actually keep in contact and ask questions ARE NOT what I need nor want in my life. I pray, I love God, I tell Him my innermost secrets, I HAVE BECAUSE I ASK, I know because I've asked a blessing to be instilled, I've asked for signs, I talk to God. I talk to Him because I know He is what I need and He knows my life better than I do, so I ask Him what He has in store for me, and He does tell me...because I trust Him. unlike you, I have faith. I don't question you on your decisions or claims, so don't question me because when you do, you're questioning the unquestionable--GOD. I've worked hard to get my peace, so please quit trying to force it from me. live by the Golden Rule, and you should do fine. as for now, you're forgiven, and past transgressions mean nothing to me now. however, please remember that it's not me you'll answer to ultimately...and do know that I love you all with everything, and nothing you do can change that. true, unconditional love resides in heart of holiness and Godliness. I'm not saying this to complain or be dramatic, I'm saying this because I need this to pass, I need this to become fully at peace. I need this so I can live.