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| Zanga: so... like the usual for the past couple of years... this is the first time in a while that i have written anything... and like always i wish i could keep up with it and hope i do. i know how refreshing it feels to write in here often, i guess between finding the time... and wanting to confront my thoughts... it just gets put off.
Alone: so i finally think that im getting out of my rut. or at least im trying. i like this new guy, but theres something different about him. not only is he my type, and not my usual. but hes also from home, not school. whch of course means the long distance. i think this is going to be good for me though. i can be an independent person, but i dont like to be. hopefully this will help me with my "alone" issues. it would be nice to be alone and be okay with that.
its a big step though, confronting my biggest fear. and it just would have been nice to have been going through this with someone who knows me a little better. i dont want to be having a hard time with it and him not understand and somehow push him away while not even realizing it. i want to be more positive and i dont want to just be sad and complain all the time. but obviously im not going to be happy about being alone, sleeping alone, eating alone.
Rut: but as i was saying i think the rut is ending. i dont want to keep running to sergio just because im comfortable with him. if me and this guy end i hope i dont run back to sergio looking for a good friend or more. bc i know that when i wasnt feeling it with mario anymore, i ran to sergio. but i dont even know why. sergio doesnt listen to me, he doesnt help me with my problems, and he doesnt make me happy. i guess all of the above has always been true. so i dont know why i am sooo blinded and going back to him. comfortable or not, its still miserable. i guess in the end it comes down to the fact that even though im miserable, im getting the minimum from him. someone who keeps in contact with me to make sure im still alive, and a body to hold while i fall asleep.
but i need to let go of him, because i want and deserve more. and i think that this new guy has the potential to be really great to me. we get along well and he already seems like a really good catch. we have a lot in common and have fun talking to each other.
what sucks most about everything though, is that friends are far away now too. and more than ever im thinking about seeking a professional to talk to. its hard to keep all my feelings bottled up inside. its just not who i am. and this new guy doesnt know me well enough, nor do i know him well enough to talk to him about things. i still see the friends every once and a while, but bc they are so far away, when i do see them it has to be all about fun. ya know? its just soo stupid that its my senior year of college, im finally 21, and im talking to a great guy... yet im crying myself to sleep at night.
Family: mom and dad seem to be doing fine. but im worried as to what will happen between them next. cam left last week and this is either going to be really great for them, b/c he is the reason for lots of fights and arguements in the house... or its going to be horrible b/c there are no more distractions from each other. personally, i am more than thrilled that when i visit home, he wont be there.
i really thought that me and him were getting along last summer, but after this summer, i dont think we can ever be friends. i guess it just hurts more to know that we can be friends, but hes just gunna be a dick b/c he wants to take everything out on me... than him just being a normal dick that i dont get along with. and with the way that he treated me this summer... i just cant get over that. he really hurt me.
and now my parents are dissapointed that i didnt call him and say goodbye before he left... even Tim thinks that was immature of me. but they all just dont understand. he really took advantage of me this summer and had no respect for me, my feelings, or my property. i dont wish him death anymore after last summer... but i dont wish to ever see him again either. other than to get back the 200 dollars he now owes me.
School: So classes don't seem that hard this semester, they are at good times and the such. But there will be a lot of reading and orals. god do i hate to do orals. dorming has sucked ass. theres no one near me that i like... in fact i literally hate most of the ppl next to me. ive had bad experiences with them all. and they are not being any better this year. they are all loud drunks who are rude and inconciderate to the others in this building. ive only been to spellman to eat like 3 times, and its been two weeks. normally i would have gone at least 10 times by now. but im practically all out of money... so i will certainly be going there more often now. plus, im sick of take out and even fast food.
Car: And i still dont have a car, as much as i saved up, i am now worried again about money b/c i spent a shitload on books this semester... and still dont even have all of them. and i was supposed to be getting one for free through bake and tia from tom... but ever since he went into the hospital that idea seems highly unlikely. and so i think i might just have to buy and car with a car payment. i just cant keep taking the bus to work. its just not realistically helpful. it wastes soo much time, makes life soo much more stressful, and it makes me late all the time. so i guess this is me again trying to save up money so that i can put a downpayment on a car. maybe ill have enough by november. ill just have to work a lot.
Work: i dont like unos. and it just seems to be getting worse and worse. i like it at home sooo much better. actually, i dont like it at either store. i miss chris. when chris was my manager i loved unos. when chris left, i stopped loving it. a good manager really does make the work environment that much better. down here im stuck with a manager who sexual harrasses all the girls, a manager who isnt smarter than a peanut (which for those who dont know, a peanut does not have the ability to think, or make decisions, or do anything productive), and a manager who thinks its ok to constantly tell his employees that they are ugly, stupid, and a bitch with an attitude. up there im stuck with a manager who no one liked before she got the position b/c she was a bitch, and now threatens to fire everyone, a manager who obsesses about going by the book, a manager who chooses favorites, and makes life for the ones he doesnt like hell, and then a random other manager from who knows what store playing by a whole other set of rules.
Other: Christopher Anthony Grant the first would like me to take portraits of him soon. which im excited about, i havent photographed someone in a long time. i think that i just might randomly do a shoot sometime this semester. take some time to do something that makes me happy.
i might go to bake and tias some time next week. i need some new music, even though my phone deleted half of the music i wanted randomly.
What I just Realized: Being depressed makes me especially hungry. i thought that it was all in my mind and something i could ignore. but my belly is gurgling right now... totally not cool.
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| So I started to talk to a customer from Unos this past Saturday when I gave him my number. He seems like a really good guy, but I'm not sure. There is something about him that just feels like hes playing me. If he were just in it for ass he certainly wouldn't have spent as much time as he has on the phone with me... I think the feeling is more like, hes not just in it for ass but that hes talking to more than just me in this kind of way. We go on our first date tomorrow night and although I have gotten to know a lot about him over the phone I am excited to finally get to know his personality in person. People always seem slightly different over the phone that they do in person. I guess we will just have to see if he is all talk or if he is really the kind of guy I could see myself getting involved with.
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| Last night I let everything out to him. I told him how I feel and I did not hold anything back. I miss him and I love him. But he does not miss me or love me, enough to be with me. I made him choose between now and never, and he told me never. He's broken my heart with his words before, I should be used to this by now. But it hurts soo much. I have been hopeful for soo long that he would realize what I mean to him and take me back, and now it is time to let that hope go. I fought my last fight for him last night. Once again I lost the battle. After losing so many times, it is time to call this war over and to move on. I will stop defending my feelings for him and let them slip away over time. At least I can walk away from this knowing that I really did try my hardest to win him back. But it didn't matter what I said or what I could have said. I can't change his mind and it won't change itself either.
My mother always taught me to fight for what I love... no matter how hard it is... but mommy, how do you fight for love that isn't returned. or how do you tell make someone realize they need you.
And now that I have told him I will fall out of love and that i will no longer wait for him and hurt in the mean time, how do I do that? How do I become more than this? More than this shell of a person. How do you regenerate a heart that no longer beats? How do you piece together a heart that has shattered? How do you love when all you feel is empty pain? How do you smile when life makes you cry? How do you get out of bed when you have nothing important to wake up to? How do you open the shade and let in the sun, when the darkness is more comforting?
People fight. People get sad. People are confused. But people also love. And despite all the other crap, if there is love there can be happiness. And I could have been happy with him for the rest of my life, b/c I loved him. But what happens when that love is gone? When you are a sad confusion left to fight against the world alone.... what happens then?
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| I wish life had a traffic light. Something just just told you when to go ahead, when to try, and when to just stop and give up. I think thats the hardest thing in life, figuring out when something is worth the fight. I feel like there have been sooo many times in my life where I have interpretted things so wrong. It's like someone who is colorblind looking at the traffic light. My father is color blind red/green, which means he sees red whenever we see green, and green whenever we see red. I think my heart is colorblind red/green. Its green for guys who will never love me, and red for guys who will always love me. Do you think that people go into things red and green? Do we enter into a relationship telling ourselves how we are going to feel, or do our feelings grow over time? I'm not really sure. How would I feel now, if I had met a guy who liked me aroud the time I was getting to know Sergio. Was I just sooo ready to fall in love that I was green for anyone? Or was it really that Sergio is such a good guy in my eyes? Because think about it.... Our relationship sucked pretty bad, a lot of the time, yet I still fell hopelessly in love with him. What if, once we are green for someone, the light never goes yellow or red? Do we love forever, always? And what about when love turns to hate? Is that like green to red? Can there be any warning that red is going to come? Or is it already too late once the light has gone yellow? Is there a point of no return halfway through yellow? If so, then wouldn't that just be red? What about Europe? Yellow doesn't mean be careful, use caution, or be prepared to stop. Over seas, Yellow means be prepared to go, get ready to go. Maybe by this theory, we all enter into a situation in yellow. We are prepared to go. It doesn't mean that green will happen for us, but we are prepared and willing to take the challenge on. But a green light can't really last forever? At some point it is going to have to go yellow and red. But maybe love is like a cycle or greens, yellows, and reds. Maybe when your heart feels naturally how it wants to feel, if will always want to love, it will always have its hateful moments, and it will always have to protect itself by going yellow and preparing to stop. What if true love, wasn't unconditional... what if it is understanding that there will always be conditions, bumps, and barriers... but always striving to get back to green. | | |
| I have always felt like I had to say the right thing for him to stay with me. Like I had to be the best that I could be so that he would just be with me. And it would just be so nice, if for once, I wouldn't have to ask him to love me... if he could just love me... just on his own. He said he knows that he could be a better bf now, but still not a good one. Yet the bf he was before is what i miss. I miss him soo much I don't even care if he treats me like crap. I wish he would stop with the mixed signals. Its either over for him, or its not. I just need to hear its not, one time and I'll just get over him. One more time and I can be done with him forever.... but if he just once says he could be with me, you know I want to love him forever. b/c I could do it. b/c my heart doesn't want to stop. I have tried, and it just didnt work out so well. I hate this torture. God wasted a heart when he gave me mine. B/c a heart is no good if no one will love you back. | | |
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