It's A Wonderful Life Parody

By: Ashley

Characters:
Gilderoy Lockhart
Cameron Lockhart
Larry Paddock
Kara Abbott
Lily Evans
Lindsey Cauldron
Alfonzo Zabini
Narcissa Malfoy
Amos Diggory
Cedric Diggory
Kaspren Lockhart
Mercy Lockhart

It was the night of Christmas Eve, and friends and enemies of the like were gathered together at the Lockhart Manor. A small party was being held this year instead of the usual elegant Christmas Ball where everyone who was of high society was invited. No, Kaspren Lockhart who was the owner of the Manor decided he was too tired this year to hold such an extravagent event.

The Lockhart children and their friends were in the dining room setting up the Christmas decorations. Narcissa and Kara were hanging holly around the doorways, Alfonzo and Cameron were setting up the Christmas tree, Lindsey and Lily were enchanting plastic snowmen to sing and dance, and Larry was testing out the punch which had an odd taste to it. But where was Gilderoy?

Cameron: Quit shaking the ladder Zabini!

Alfonzo: *trying to keep the ladder steady* I'm doing the best I can! Evans stupid snowman tried to run over me.

Cameron: Well all I have to do if fit this stupid star then we're done. So quit shaking the ladder!

Alfonzo: *grumbles*

Lindsey: Lily, how come my snowman looks demonic?

Lily: *examines the snowman* Hmm...maybe it's possessed?

Lindsey: Eek!

Narcissa: Mistletoooooooooooooooe! *hangs the mistletoe on top of the doorframe*

Kara: Is there any need for a mistletoe?...

Narcissa: Yes! *starts to dance around the doorframe*

Kara: Err.... *backs away*

Larry: *taking a sip of punch* Hmm... *smacks lips together, takes another sip* Hmm... *smacks lips together, takes another sip* Hmm...

Cameron: *after much agony and motion sickness from the swinging ladder, manages to place the star on top of the Christmas tree* Finally!

Alfonzo: Is it ready?

Cameron: It's ready.

Narcissa: I'll go get your parents! *runs out of the dining room*

*Gilderoy enters the room*

Gilderoy: Hello! Merry Christmas everyone! *he swings his arms up in an embrace-like gesture and accidently whacks Kara in the face who falls back and grabs the holly to try and catch her balance. The holly rips off the doorframe and swings over to the possessed snowman, knocking it on it's side. The possessed snowman rolls into a few glass vases and shatters them. Then the snowman rolls straight into Zabini who lets go of the ladder, the ladder and Cameron fall right into the gigantic Christmas tree which in turn knocks over into the fireplace. Ornaments fall and shatter into the floor as the Christmas tree is set on fire. Cameron manages to flee from the burning tree and runs into Larry who spits his punch out everywhere and falls into the table. The table falls over and punch is spilt all over the floor.*

*At this moment the Lockhart parents and Narcissa enter the room*

Mercy: Gasp! *clasps her hands to her mouth*

Kaspren: What the devil happened here?!

Cameron: *staring at the burning Christmas tree he and Alfonzo have been working on for hours* I can't believe this...

Lindsey: My snowman! *she freaks out as the snowman goes haywire, continuing to roll around and knock over anything that's breakable*

Lily: *manages to think up a quick spell and freezes the snowman*

Kara: This is awful... *she picks up the singed mistletoe*

Narcissa: *seeing the mistletoe* No.... ;_;

Alfonzo: Is anyone going to put that fire out?...

Kaspren: *mutters a few choice words and the fire is out* Who did this?!

*Everyone in the room points to Gilderoy*

Gilderoy: *jaws agape* I...I-I I'm terribly sorry about that! *nervous smile* We can fix this!

Cameron: How?!

Gilderoy: We can all do this together! Just get this place cleaned up, go get a new tree and some decorations...easy! We'll be done in no time.

Kara: No time? It's nearly midnight!

Lily: And where are we going to find a tree and decorations at this hour on Christmas Eve?

Larry: Sugar! It was missing sugar!

Alfonzo: err...what was?

Larry: The punch!

*Everyone sighs*

Cameron: I could have been burned to death! Or worse! My hair could have caught on fire!

Lindsey: *muttering* We don't want that...

Mercy: Gilderoy you risked your brother's hair catching on fire!

Gilderoy: I'm sorry!!!!

Kaspren: I can't believe all this...

Cameron: You ruined Christmas!

Gilderoy: I what?!

*Everyone is glaring at Gilderoy*

Gilderoy: *taking a few nervous steps back* I'm terribly sorry...I didn't mean to, honest...

Narcissa: *shakes a torn mistletoe in his face* Look at this mistletoe! It's ruined!

Cameron: Look at this room! You're more clumsey than Paddock.

Narcissa: I hate you Gilderoy! *she cries into Kara's shoulder*

Mercy: It's a good thing we didn't put the presents out here...

Kaspren: Our first Christmas without a tree...

Narcissa: *still crying* You should be ashamed of yourself!

Gilderoy: *stuttering*

Larry: *crying* The punch is gone!

Cameron: *growls and kicks a burnt ornament out of his way* There goes Christmas...

Gilderoy: I didn't mean to! I just...I'm sorry. *hangs head* I'll go now.

*Gilderoy runs out of the room. He ran out of the house without a coat. He ran through the snow and into Hogsmeade. The Hog's Head was still open. He entered the dodgy pub and sat himself on a stool. He ordered a beer for the very first time in his life. Gilderoy felt awful.*

Gilderoy: I ruined Christmas....

Bartender: Why did you do that?

Gilderoy: I didn't mean to!

Bartender: Oh... *goes off to wash glasses*

Gilderoy: *takes a long swig of his beer* I am an awful person! *he sobs and hugs his bottle of beer* I hate myself!

Random Guy Who Just Got Laid Off Work: I hate myself too! *drowns himself in beer*

Gilderoy: *hits his head on the bar, still sobbing* I hate life! I hate it! I wish I had never been born!

*He continues to sob, not noticing the twinkling sound appearing behind him and the angelic music playing in the air*

Bartender: The jukebox is broken again!

??????: *from behind Gilderoy* Hello Gilderoy.

Gilderoy: Eeee!! *jumps and spills his beer everywhere* Look what you made me do! *he swings his stool around and comes face to face with a teenage boy who is glowing*

o___o

Gilderoy: Whoa I'm really smashed...

??????: You only had one beer.

Gilderoy: My first beer ever, actually

??????: Oh, I see.

Gilderoy: Err...who are you?

??????: Me? I'm your guardian angel.

Gilderoy: My guardian angel? Aren't you a bit young? That's depressing to die at such a young age.

??????: I was killed by Voldemort.

Gilderoy: Good God! Were you really? That's tragic.

??????: Well, I haven't been killed by him yet. He kills me in about 15 years.

Gilderoy: Then how are you my guardian angel if you haven't been killed yet?

??????: Give it a break Gilderoy, the author couldn't think of any other dead person.

Gilderoy: Oh...I see. Well, who are you?

??????: Cedric Diggory.

Gilderoy: Cedric Diggory?! Amos' boy? You get killed by Voldemort? That is awful. But right now you're only about a year old or more.

Cedric: Yes, yes we've gone over this.

Gilderoy: Well...what are you doing here?!

Cedric: Oh that's simple. I'm here to show you what life would be like without you if you were never born.

Gilderoy: Now why the devil would you do something silly like that?

Cedric: Umm...because you just wished you'd never been born. Not in the Christmas spirit this year are you?

Gilderoy: No, I'm afraid not. I kind of set our Christmas tree on fire.

Cedric: Eesh, not good. Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't want to be born.

Gilderoy: Wow, thanks. You're great at comforting you know.

Cedric: Oh pish posh! I'm only joking. Now c'mon, we've got a lot of people to see.

Gilderoy: Why do you care if I were never born?

Cedric: Look if I don't do this and persuade you to want to be alive again, I'm not going to get my wings. You know how they treat wingless angels in heaven? We always get tables instead of a booth at restaraunts.

Gilderoy: That's mad!

Cedric: Tell me about it. So could you do this for me? Just let me show you a few people lives? Then me and you can both get on with our lives?

Gilderoy: You don't have a life though.

Cedric: *frustrated* Just come with me!

Gilderoy: All right, don't get huffy. I'll go.

*Gilderoy and Cedric approach the exit of the Hog's Head. As the door opens, Gilderoy realizes that it does not lead outside. Instead, it leads into a common room at Hogwarts. Gilderoy soon realizes it to be the Slytherin common room. He and Cedric step inside and see Alfonzo enter the room.*

Gilderoy: Alfonzo Zabini? What does it matter to him if I am never born?

Cedric: Well he was your brother's best mate.

*They watch Alfonzo pace around the room reading the Daily Prophet. Gilderoy gasps when he sees Alfonzo walk through Cedric without noticing. Alfonzo chunks the Daily Prophet into the fireplace and hears a tapping at the door. He freezes for a moment and waits. There comes another tapping and he seems relieved about something. He approaches the door and opens it. Kara steps in.*

Alfonzo: Took you long enough.

Kara: *smiling* Sorry dear, couldn't get past that awful hall monitor. Then Filch's cat nearly spotted me. It was terrible.

Gilderoy: *whispers* Did she say "dear" to him?...

Cedric only nods and they both continue to watch.

Kara: *giggles and jumps into Alf's arms* Hmm, so what did you get me for Christmas?!

Alfonzo: *smirking* It's in my pants.

Kara: *laughs and whacks him in the shoulder*

Gilderoy: *still whispering* Cameron always says that. Why isn't she with him?

Cedric points to the couple and Gilderoy turns to see them making out intensely. He gags then looks back at Cedric.

Cedric: *sighs* You were never born remember?

Gilderoy: So?! Why would my not being born change Cameron and Kara's relationship?

Cedric: Since you were never born Cameron wasn't the child always having to compete with you. He was an only child, therefore spoiled and pampered, and not sorted into Slytherin. You know Kara secretly has a fetish for bad boys. She'd find Cameron to be ridiculous.

Gilderoy: You're ridiculous.

Cedric: Don't believe me? Then lets make a visit to your parents.

Gilderoy: Good. At least I'll be away from those two. *He nods his head to Kara and Alfonzo who are now eating each other's faces and ripping their clothes off.*

Cedric: And I always thought he preferred black women....

Gilderoy: As did I.

Cedric: Oh well. Time to go.

*Cedric opens another door. Gilderoy walks through the door and finds himself in his living room. It was slightly different, more exotic. He saw his father Kaspren, but his mother was no where in sight. He felt something rush through him and realized someone had walked through his body.*

Kaspren: There you are hunnycakes!

Gilderoy: Hunnycakes?..o.O

*A younger, bustier blonde girl giggles and sits on Kaspren's lap with a plate of cookies in her hands. She begins feeding the cookies to Kaspren.*

Gilderoy: What is that harlett doing with my father?!

Cedric: Playing Santa Clause, it looks.

Gilderoy: Where is my mother?!

Cedric: Oh she's in the study.

Gilderoy: What is she doing in the study?!

Cedric: Studying I assume.

Gilderoy: *sighs* Why is she putting up with this?!

Cedric: Oh that? Your father always did have a wandering eye I thought. But then again you weren't there to give him endless lectures about loyalty and goodness. No one was there to make him feel bad.

Gilderoy: I see...*hangs his head*

Cedric: Are you all right?

Gilderoy: Fine, fine I guess...

Cedric: Would you like to see Larry?

Gilderoy: *shoots head up and smiles wide* Larry! Yes, Larry! I can't imagine his life without me! Yes, do take me to Larry.

Cedric: *shrugs* As you wish.

*Another door opens. The two of them find themselves outside a bank.*

Gilderoy: What are we doing here? Where's Larry?

*His question was answered just as soon as he asked. A siren went off and the front doors to the bank broke open. A man dressed in black with a mask covering his face ran out of the bank with bags upon bags of money.*

Gilderoy: By God! That man is robbing that bank!

Cedric: Lets follow him!

*The two pursue the robber. He's fast but since Cedric was an angel they were able to keep up. The robber turned a corner into an alley and leaned against the wall. He stood there silently until he was sure the cops had lost him.*

Gilderoy: He should be ashamed of himself!

*The robber opened his bag of money and laughed deliciously. Then he took his mask off. Gilderoy gasped. The robber was none other than his best friend, Larry Paddock.*

Gilderoy: Larry...no...no! This can't be! Why is Larry like this?!

Cedric: Well, you know how he is. Everyone picked on him so much at school he was tired of it. He dropped out and turned to a life of a crime. It makes him feel tough, feel like he's becoming something.

Gilderoy: Becoming a criminal!

Cedric: Well, you weren't there to protect him and be his best friend.

Gilderoy: *suddenly feeling guilty* Oh, I see...

*The two stay a bit longer as they watch Larry go through his money. He cackles every once in a while. A half hour passes before Larry makes a bed out of his money and turns in for the night.*

Larry: Merry Christmas to me...*falls asleep*

Gilderoy: *sighs sadly* Allright...who is next?

Cedric: *grins* You'll see.

*Another door appears. Cedric opens the door for Gilderoy and he steps through. He finds himself inside the Ministry of Magic. He spots Amos Diggory working hard on some papework.*

The Minister of Magic: By God Amos, it is Christmas Eve! You need to go home to your family.

Amos: Oh I will, I'm nearly finished up here.

Gilderoy: What are we doing here? Amos doesn't seem to be any different.

The Minister of Magic: Amos, there is something we need to talk about. How does a promotion sound?

Amos: A promotion?! Well, that would sound excellent, sir.

The Minister of Magic: Merry Christmas Amos!

Cedric: *grins* Isn't my dad cool?

Gilderoy: This has nothing to do with my life you git! Why did you bring me here? -_-

Cedric: Just felt like showing you how successful my old man is. *wide grin*

Gilderoy: *grumbling* You want your wings or not?

Cedric: Oh yes, right. Lets get on with it then.

*Yet again, another door! The two step through.*

Gilderoy: *gasp* Lindsey!

*The two had stepped into a run down apartment. The floor was an awful mess with stains, empty beer bottles, left over food, and cat droppings everywhere. And sitting in a reclining chair was a very fat Lindsey Cauldron, and she was eating a bucket of chicken.*

Gilderoy: By God! What happened to her?

Cedric: Well...

Gilderoy: How could this happen?! Lindsey was always so pretty. Cameron always called her a cow...but now, look. She is a cow!

Cedric: That's why.

Gilderoy: What? I don't understand?

Cedric: You see, since Cameron was never sorted into Slytherin he was never a bad guy. Therefore he never called Lindsey a cow. Since no one was there to call her a cow, she wasn't obsessed about her weight. Since she wasn't obsessed about her weight, she ate whatever she wanted.

Gilderoy: Now that does not make a bit of sense!

Cedric: Shut up, yes it does.

Gilderoy: Does not!

Cedric: Does too!

Gilderoy: Does not!

Cedric: Does too!

Gilderoy: Does not!

Cedric: Does too!

Gilderoy: Does not!

Cedric: Does too!

*They were interrupted. The front door swung open and Lily Evans stepped in. She didn't look any different, thank Godric. She didn't have the usual engagement ring around her finger though.*

Lily: *frustrated* Lindsey get up! You're going to be late for work!

Lindsey: I called in sick.

Lily: You what?!

Lindsey: I told them I had a stomach ache.

Lily: You're eating a bucket of chicken!

Lindsey: It calms down the stomach ache.

Lily: Argh!!!

*Lily gives out a frustrated sigh and approaches the window. She draws the curtains and looks outside. Her anger suddenly leaves her and a bright smile sneaks onto her face. Lily turned to Lindsey and giggled.*

Lily: He's here!

Lindsey: Whose here?

Lily: Come on! We've got to get to the book store!

*Lily flees the room. Lindsey sets her bucket of chicken down beside a stray cat that just came into her room. She heaves up and lets out a painful groan. She then wobbles over to the door and follows Lily downstairs*

Lindsey: *out of breath* Hold on, LIly!

*Gilderoy and Cedric follow the two girls downstairs and exit the apartment building. They run after Lily who is now in Diagon Alley. She hurries inside a bookstore and they notice Lindsey is a ways behind her. Gilderoy and Cedric enter the bookstore. There was a crowd of people inside and Gilderoy noticed two of the many people with a notepad and quill were from the Daily Prophet. Cameras were going off all over the room. They spotted Lily with a group of excited girls who were crying and fanning theirselves.*

Gilderoy: What is going on? *He notices a curtain in the back of the room where the crowd is surrounding.*

Lindsey: *finally inside, she holds onto a bookshelf and breathes heavily* Made it....

Gilderoy and Cedric notice a familiar blonde walk out of the curtain and shooing the crowd. It was Narcissa.

Narcissa: Make way! Make room! All you people settle down now! Hey you, don't cross that yellow line! What is that? Did you steal that book?! You best put that up! Hey you, yeah you! You crossed the line!

*They flinch when they see Narcissa hitting a fangirl with her clipboard.*

Gilderoy: What is she doing?...

*The curtain flies open again. Gilderoy can't see whose gone through it due to the flashes of all the cameras. He's blinded for a moment but he can hear the girls screaming and crying out someone's name. He can hear Narcissa bellowing at more people about crossing the yellow line. He heard someone introduce the person they were all screaming about.*

Narcissa: Ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Lockhart!

*There were more screams followed by more flashes of the camera. Gilderoy's jaws dropped open as he watched his younger brother smile and wave to the crowd. He threw his hankerchief to the crowd of fangirls and watched Lily tackle every girl down until it was in her hands.*

Cameron: Ladies! Ladies!

*The girls quick screaming and stared at Cameron with dreamy eyes.*

Cameron: There is plenty to go around. *flashes a smile*

*The girls start to scream in delight again.*

Reporter #1: Mr. Lockhart! How does your latest novel compare to the others?

Reporter #2: Does Voyages with Vampires contain the same page-turning action as your werewolf novel?!

Gilderoy: Voyages with Vampires?....

Cameron: But of course! Voyages with Vampires is a true tale about my time in Romania and how I saved a princess from Count Dracula himself.

The fangirls screeched.

Lily: He is so brave! *dreamy sigh*

Cameron flashes another pearly smile and the cameras go off again. The reporters are writing like mad in their notepads.

Gilderoy: I can't believe this...

Cedric: Believe it.

Gilderoy: This is just awful....Just awful. Cameron has...he has...taken my place!

Cedric: Well, not exactly...

Gilderoy: What do you mean?

Just then a woman runs into the bookstore in a nurse's outfit. She pushes through the crowd and crosses the yellow line to approach Cameron. Narcissa doesn't say anything about it.

Healer: Mr. Lockhart! We have a man in the ER who has just been hit with two bludgers at once! It looks like he's going to suffer from brain damage. We need you at Mungo's now!

Cameron: *looks serious, nods, then smiles to his fans* Unfortunately my dears there will be no book signing today. I must be off to work.

The fangirls give a sad sigh.

Gilderoy: He's a doctor too?!

Cedric: Yep.

Gilderoy: That's insane!

Cedric: Quite so.

Gilderoy: I can't have this....

Cedric: Well you know what to do. Don't you?

Gilderoy: I'm having a moment here, Cedric. Just shut up a minute.

Cedric: *stomps* But I want my wings!!!

Gilderoy: You'll get your blasted wings!

Cedric: Then say the magic words!!!

Gilderoy: Please?

Cedric: NO! >.<

Gilderoy: Fine, fine. I want to be born again, life is wonderful! blah blah blah

Cedric: Yay!

Gilderoy: Now can we get out of here?

Cedric: You already are.

Gilderoy: What?

Gilderoy blinks and looks around. He is back in the Hog's Head and Cedric is no where in sight. Gilderoy breathes a sigh of relief, pays the bartender and makes his way home.

Gilderoy: *opening the front doors* Hello?

He steps inside the house and enters the living room. He finds everyone in there sitting comfortably around the fire. There was no mess. Everything looked as it did before the chaos that had occured earlier.

Gilderoy: What happened here?

Cameron: *groans* Show-off over here did her rewind spell.

Lily: *beams*

Gilderoy: That's great! Thank you Lily!

Lily: Oh anytime! *looks surprised*

Gilderoy: *laughing and dancing around the room* Everything is back to normal! *throws confetti*

Everyone gives Gilderoy a weird look.

Gilderoy: Lindsey! You're not fat!

Lindsey: -____-

Gilderoy: Larry! Larry! You are a good man!

Larry: awww..*blushes*

Gilderoy: Oh and Kara! Kara you stay away from that Zabini fellow!

Kara: err...ok?

Alfonzo: What do you mean by that?!

Gilderoy: Cameron! And Cameron! *jumps around him*

Cameron: What do you want? -__-

Gilderoy: *ruffles his brother's hair* You're still a nobody!!!

Cameron: *whacks Gilderoy in the face*

Gilderoy: Ow!!! Oh, I forgive you since it's Christmas!

Cameron: Whatever...

Suddenly a bell goes off. It is the breakfast bell, signally it is time for breakfast (duh).

Larry: *giggling* Look Mr. Lockhart! Professor says everytime a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!

Kaspren: Err....right...

Gilderoy: Hey...thats right...*he looks out the window into the sky. He sees Cedric off in the distance, with wings. He waves to Cedric and sheds a tear of joy*

Cameron: What are you crying about you pansy?

Gilderoy: An angel got it's wings!

Larry: *crying* It is all so beautiful!

Narcissa: It's snowing!

Cameron: Duh, its winter.

Narcissa: Shut up. -_-

Larry suddenly runs outside and he is screaming at the top of his lungs.

Larry: ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE! ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE!

Gilderoy: HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!

Gilderoy goes outside and joins Larry in the "Its a Wonderful Life" screaming contest.

Alfonzo: *throws an empty beer bottle at them* SHUT UP!

Narcissa: *nudges Cameron* Guess what? ^.^

Cameron: -_- What?

Narcissa: *throws a mistletoe over his head* YOU'RE UNDER THE MISTLETOE! HAHAHAHA *runs off*

Cameron: *blinks*

Kara: *beside him* She's going through his mistletoe phase...*looks at him*

Cameron: *looks back at her*

They start making out. (Yay!)

Lily: Ew...-_-

Lindsey: They have to come up for air sometime!

Gilderoy: *runs back in the room* I love you guys! *hugs everyone, even the snogging Cameron and Kara*

Larry: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Narcissa: Where is my presents?!

Kaspren: We must all have breakfast first!

Everyone gives a small cheer and runs into the dining room where there is a prepared breakfast waiting at the dinner table for them. Gilderoy stays behind.

Gilderoy: *smiles* It sure is good to be alive.

THE END.

A note from Ashley: Merry Christmas dears! I hope you enjoyed the story. I hope everyone has a safe holiday and a very happy New Year. <3