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Name: Amy
Birthday: 4/11/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: little kids!, chess, my friends, my family, being outside, swimming, running, the bible, jesus, art, poetry, reading, knitting, crotcheting, playing outside, walking around in sand/mud, and playing in the rain.
Expertise: speaking/acting wtihout thinking??
Occupation: Education/training
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/4/2004
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| If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. (10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. (11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. So Tuesday night before I went over to hang out with Justin, I prayed and asked God to protect me from myself. And to please help me not to hurt myself. What that means for me, is to not let my fear of man (codependency) and anger juts rage on him. Don't know if that makes sense, but it does for me. I worry so much about what he thinks about me. I want him to love me and like me all the time. And that just doesn't happen, because we don't like everyone all the time. I want him to like everything I do, to think I am just wonderful all the time. And that just won't happen. Especially because I make mistakes, but in general anyway, it just won't happen. So, in times when it doesn't, then I get angry with him, and take my feelings of insecurity out on him. I hate when I do that. Or if something he's done hurts my feelings, then I get angry with him.
So anyway, Tuesday night, he told me something that really hurt my feelings. And immediately, I was upset, and wanted to do what I do. Especially when I had asked him a few questions after that, that he didn't want to answer, I thought immediately, I can't do this, and I went and called my sponsor. Well she wasn't there. So I called another friend from my group, and another friend, until I got a hold of somebody. Instead of raging on him, I talked with them about what had happened. Talked about what I needed to do, how I could respond in my pain, in a loving, kind way, what I could handle, and what I couldn't. And you know what? I felt a whole lot better about me for not getting so angry at him and saying things that hurt him. I realized, God had answered my prayers. He had protected me from myself. He did for me, what I couldn't do for myself. He helped me to handle a situation that would have baffled me previously, and I would have taken my anger out on Justin.
Praise God. The end.
Amy
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| This morning I went to Al Anon with my sponsor. It was good. They were talking about the 12 Promises of AA. Here they are...
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
(1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
(2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
(3) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
(4) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
(5) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
(6) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
(7) Self-seeking will slip away.
(8) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
(9) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
(11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
(12) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly,
sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I was glad it didn't get around to me. My sponsor and I went out to breakfast after that. She asked me what I was going to say if it got around to me. I said, I just thought that I was going to say that I was new to recovery, and that I didn't know if I really believed that this was going to work, and that these things were really going to happen.
I'm still not sure if they will. My sponsor did encourage me though, because of a few things I did last night, and being able to identify a few things I do as far as my codependency goes. She said all other addictions stem from codependency. Anyway. So I realized things I do like last night, asking Justin (because tomorrow is our off day) if he was happy to have a break from me that day. She asked me well, why did I ask him that. And I said I didn't really know. She kinda gave me the answer on this one, well, because I was already feeling insecure, and bad about me, and that I wanted his approval to make me feel better, instead of getting it from God, and being a child of God. I realized when I did that, that that wasn't ok, and that was my codependency. I just need to learn how to accept myself as ok, as a child of God.
Anyway, the thing she was really encouraging to me about was when I shared with Justin and was vulnerable with him. Anyway, so we went to see Get Smart last night, and I was having a hard time with it because in the movie agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) is like half naked lots in the movie. And I know Justin thinks she's attractive, and so I was feeling insecure and sad a little. Now normally, I would have pulled away, and with held physical affection and been all upset and stuff, but I didn't do that during the movie. And I enjoyed my movie. And it was good. And I was glad I didn't to that this time. And at the end, I just decided I would share that with him, not expecting anything back from him in return. So I just said, "I'm feeling sad and insecure because of her being so naked in the movie, and I know you think she is attractive." And he kind of just answered and said ok, I kind of wondered if you were, acknowledged me, and then we went on. It felt good to just let him in and let him know, and then to move on. Not to ask, oh did you think she was, oh, were you looking, etc. Anyway, my sponsor said she was proud of me for being vulnerable, and sharing with him.
I didn't mention the other stuff I shared earlier in the day.
Anyway, I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm trying to trust the process. I'm trying to trust that God can help me recover. I think he can. I hope he can. I'm learning. And at the same time, I love Him. One day at a time.
That is all.
Amy
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| Today was a hard day, in a lot of ways. But I really feel like God is big, and loves me, and is in control, and is good. I'm happy about that. A kid at the church I work for killed himself today. I feel so sad for his parents. Someone I am closer with at the church was decent friends with him. Anyway, the email that was passed around to all staff contained these song lyrics, and I LOVED them. I bolded the ones I really loved! In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid. Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay. Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, sin’s curse has lost it’s grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I’ll stand. My favorite part of that hymn is the "What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled when strivings cease." I love that part, because I'm always trying so hard to control, so so hard. That's why I fear so much. I'm so scared of what will happen if I'm not in control. Slowly, slowly, God is showing me another way. I know that he has me exactly where he wants me, because He's good. And loves me. So much. I'm scared right now. But I know I can trust him. And I'm going to pray hard, and trust. I'm going to try to do something different. I'm going to love. I want my strivings to cease, and to rest in the peace that God has, and have him still my fears. I know he can do it. Yay for this good song. Today was a GREATish, haha, day at work. I got to take 18 kids to church from the after-school program. And two of them asked what it meant to be a Christian. I forget that this is the whole reason I do this job. So it's worth it after all. And I have an amazing boyfriend, just so anyone who reads this knows. And he's hot too. :) That is all. Amy | | |
| I keep going in a cycle of negative behavior patterns. Blah to that. Tonight in my CR book, it was good. I came home from work, plopped down on my bed, determined not to go to CR tonight, and then something in me said, ok, just open the book and at least look at the lesson. And there it was, the exact encouragement from the Lord I needed. God is kinda good like that. And I love him. I sin, and need his grace. And I've got it. So that's a good thing.
Pray for me if you read this, I'm awfully sad and missing my dad a lot these past few days.
Amy
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| I'm having some serious trouble sleeping as of late.
There are many reasons why that could be. Every night I sleep, I dream of things I want to forget.
It's weird to sleep in a room with someone. I love April. A lot. But it's weird to not have it be my room. I want my room. But at the same time, I don't. There's no space in this house. Not in a bad way, as in a, I don't like my roommates kind of way, because I do. I do so much! And I like April a whole whole lot. But it's just, it's not my room. I can't sleep in whatever I want. I can't leave the door open to the bathroom while I shower. I can't change clothes without trying to have privacy. It's weird.
The last time things were this way, was in college. I shared a room with Mary, and Kellie. I didn't like either situation very much.
Possibly I'm afraid of sleeping because sleeping could bring dreams of my Dad's death again. and again. I don't know why I can't stop dreaming that night. It's seriously not fair to have to relive that in my dreams.
Somehow my inner time clock has realized that it's 6 more days. And I can't sleep. So I'm up. Reading. Watching Gilmore Girls. Typing this crap.
My apartment is up and down. Today's ending is blah. My volunteer orientation went well.
I hate being dependent on other people for my job. and my budget isn't big enough.
All those complaints aside. I love Jesus. I'm happy for where I am right now. I feel it's exactly where God has me, for my good. Even though I feel like boo. I'm convinced that His plans are better than mine. I was reading in 2nd Corinthians the other night where it said just that. A good verse for that night. So I'm off, to read. Until sleep comes for a few hours, and I go in late to work again.
Maybe I'll go in on time. My roommate April makes me get up. I get up long enough for her to think I'm awake, then go back to sleep. :) She doesn't know I have this xanga, so she won't know. haha. Although I know Amanda, you'll read this. So boo, don't call me. Plus anyway, I worked all my hours today, it just requires no lunch break and staying an extra hour. meh. and blahish. Because I'm also thankful and grateful for where I'm at. It's somehow peaceful in the midst of blah.
It's a lot easier now. 3 years really does make a difference. And I'm doing ok. And God is good. And I love him more than ever. This makes no sense. I just ramble in these things. But It's mine, so I can do whatever I want with it. Well, that is all.
Amy
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