gimmemygo0ober's Xanga

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 17:39:14 GMT

hello alyn. just thought i would write you something since now i know you check this all the time [lameass]

last night was funny. we talked for a while about how weird i am. and about how youre uglier than treys penis. haha! it was good to talk to you though. i know we've been talkin a lot but it was good to have one of our regular conversation instead of one of us being sad and needing the other to cheer us up lol.

well. last night i woke up at 5 am cuz my back was having sharp pains all the way around to my ribs. and everytime i would have the pains i would get sick to my stomach. needless to say it was not a very good nights sleep. u jinxed me!! you kept askin if i felt well since i havent been eating a lot. everything woulda been fine if you wouldnt have asked haha.

my back still hurts though so im done playin on here, too bad you cant leave me comments. douche.

<3 u

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:16:51 GMT

well youre the only person i know who reads this which is funny [esp cuz u dont even have a xanga] but you told me you wanted me to write something happy..

i really dont know what to write thats happy cuz, i mean, im alright. im content. but im not happy.

i miss you though.. more than you think. i just hope im not gettin my hopes too high about seeing you this summer.. i dont wanna get let down. but i hope youre doin well. i hope everytime you paint naked you think of me lol jk.

love.you.sir.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thu, 10 May 2007 02:14:14 GMT

i was wrong. plain & simple. i thought we would be together in the end. i thought you would always love and support me no matter what. i thought you at least would always be there to listen to my problems when im down and pick me back up like you always have done. but no. not anymore. because shes your world. she totally consumes you. i guess im just bitter but go DAMNIT. why cant you see how much i need you?? have i not made it clear enough every time you start drawin away? you cant possibly not see that. you must not care. i cant believe things have come to this with us. not me & you. were ALWAYS a pair. even in 9th & 10th grade everyone thought we went out. even your fuckin brother thinks were gonna get married! but youve moved on from me. youve found better. someone who is willing to make sacrifices for you. someone who loves you so much. someone BETTER than me. i remmeber the days when u couldnt stand to see me upset. i think knowing i was hurt, made you more upset than ii was to begin with. i miss that. i miss howmuch you cared. i miss the simple text messages that would brighten my day. i miss our 2 hour phone calls about anything & everything but at the same time nothing at all. i miss the feeling i got when i would see you were calling me. i miss the excitement that used to run thru my entire body when i knew i got to hang out with you in ga. i miss sleeping in your arms. i miss you holdin me makin me feel safe. i miss the way you USED to love me. im so fucking stupid. youre really the most amazing guy that has ever been put into my life and out of my stupid assumptions that everything would be fine, i didnt accept to be with you when i had the chance. what the fuck is wrong with me?? i decided a long time ago i would never regret anything in my life. but i regret that. i regret not takin that chance to explore that amazing opportunity that was handed to me. how fuckin naive can one person be? to think that somethin would really last forever... not in my life. in my life there is no certainty. nothing is guaranteed. especially nothing that is important to me. i cant even keep my betst friends... i hate this. i hate this feeling. i hate the decisions i make. i hate myself for doing this. there is no one to blame but myself. even after all this, after how low i feel about myself, i still want nothing more than to call you & hear your voice even though i know if i did that you would be annoyed. you would hang up to go talk to rylie. you would tell me i need to move on and quit living in the past. i dont know how to not live in the past when the memories of the past are the only things that make me feel happy. i have no security in my life anymore so i have to vicariously obtain that security by remmebering the times i had it. theres nothing more to say. its all been let out. the only thing left to say is that you, Alyn Michael Gray, will forever hold my heart. & never will i forget the laughs, kisses, stories, beds and love we shared.

Forever & Always

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 02:40:27 GMT

whooa! im back :]

xanga.. how i missed thee...

well im pretty sure no one reads this. & if they do, they sure dont leave comments. but i think i may start writin in here a lil bit more.

just to get a few things out...

I WANT HIM TO COME BACK TO GA NOWW. i havent been that happy and that carefree in the longest time.. he brought out the old Carly that i want to be again

i feel kinda like hes my bestfriend now. I know no one can EVER replace Emily but without her theres an emptiness.. & he makes that emptiness feel less like a bottomless pit. my other bestfriend... i dont know. things arent the same. but at the same time they are & always will be. it seems like we have gotten so predictable though.. & that takes a lot of fun out of how crazy we used to be.

i want my old life back.

but its 07 baby, time for me to make this year exactly what i want it to be. & thats exactly what im gonna. do.

-CARLYRAYYE-

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 04:07:35 GMT

www.myspace.com/gimmemygo0ober

go there =) it way better than xanga,

umm.... since last post, things are worse with granddaddy.. which means everythings worse for me.

july 24-28

-rookie camp: 8:30-12

-guard camp: 1-6

july 26-28

-work 6-12

all while tryin to help julie & heath with the boys sothey can move, help out around granddaddys, & sumhow have time to actually go see granddaddy...

i love life.................

Friday, July 14, 2006

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 01:35:27 GMT

i quit..... ive accepted the fact that i cant be content with my life anymore. lets see, i was for about hmmm.... a week. exactly.

im so tired of this!!! im so mad and sad and just totally discouraged i dont know what to do with myself.... first Emily, now Granddaddy?? i cant sit back & watch again...

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 15:14:04 GMT

my luck would be that as soon as i actually say sumthin about havin a crush, somethin happens to mess it up. yupp. just GREAT.

so.. my summer started off pretty good. some of yall thought i went wild. but its kool. i guess after bein in a serious relationship for so long i needed to get all that out of my system. but after all that ive kinda realized how much i miss bein in a relationship. i love just bein able to take care of the person that means so much to me. like get them some food if theyre hungry, or sumthin to drink when theyre thirsty, or a blanket & cuddle with em when there cold. i love just doin everything they need for them. like if theyre gettin ready for a trip i would help pack their clothes or whatever, i would be there to do all the little things they hate doin. thats exactly why i cant wait to have a family so i can stay home with the kids and clean the house & take care of them & get them to their ppractices, then take care of my hubby when he comes in from work =) im excited!

but seems like no ones focused on relationships at all at this point. they just wanna get some. & thats it. is there really something that bad about bein in a relationship? i mean c'mon yo, i'll spoil the hell outta you AND you get some! whats wrong with you? lol im jk. kinda... but yea, thats just whats really been on my mind a lot lately so i figured id throw it out there. dont know why ive been thinkin about it so much... i guess even though im out all the time with everyone i still feel lonely without sumone to dedicate myself to =/ but i guess i got plenty of time for that.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 16:07:03 GMT

methinks i might have a crush on someone....

& methinks this might actually go somewhere..

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:43:28 GMT

sorry Randy---

this is the one apology of yours im NOT forgiving. you said the most hurtful thing anyone could say. & you dont deserve my forgiveness.

have a good day! i love you all!!

& im sure Emily had an amazing birthday dancing in heaven <3

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 02:08:30 GMT

so here it is... Sunday June 18.... 4 days from a day that usually would be a lot of fun, but this year is a day i dread. i absoultely dread it with every fiber of my being. A day that she would have been planning for MONTHS already. she would always be worried that someone wouldnt have fun, or not enough people would come, but all in all it would always be a blast. whether we just went swimmin at Carol & Willa Jewels, went to mountasia, or just stayed at her house and did makeovers... i always loved it. i didnt know half the people there, but she would always be soo happy. just full of excitement & it was fun to be with her like that. i would always make her open my present last. i dont know why. we both always did that. & the gift was always a bunch of little things put together that no one understood but us. small things to remind us of funny inside jokes we had or sumthing that only we would find funny, like the glow sticks! from when we were at the beach and busted glow sticks everywhere to the point it looked like we had slaughtered a smurf =) but no one else understood why a glowstick was a good gift.. but she loved it. This year, i dont know what to do. i dont want it to come... im tired of having these days where everything is just so hard & theres nothing i can do to make the pain i, or anyone else around me, feel go away. i want so badly to see Julie Bonds not hurting, seeing that makes my pain intensify to atleast 5 times what it was before. & to think, some of these people just see this particular day as being a hard day to get thru, when in actuality Julie deals with the same pain day in and day out.

This summer ive tried my hardest to pull myself together and be the old Carly i was before all this happened but it backfired. ive been doin stupid things that are fun in the moment & i look back on it & dont understand. It was quite rudely brought to my attention by Randy, someone im not fond of anyways, that Emily would not approve of the things ive been doing. I have a question for Randy & anyone with his mentality.. how could you honestly stoop that low? I may do things that Emily didnt do, but ill be DAMNED if im gonna go thru all of this pain & heartache for 7 MONTHS just tryin to pick myself from this hole ive found myself stuck in, & not have fun. ive always done things Emily didnt do. for example, i was the one who would approach guys at the beach and flirt to get conversation going.. you may think its slutty, but i know for a fact Emily liked that about me. that i was confident. she admired that quality i had. & yes. i have had sex. probably with more people than i should. Emily knew. i told her EVERYTHING. she knew. & you know what? she laughed. she enjoyed asking questions and hearing the stories ihad to tell. When i made a mistake with my decisions in that area, i told her, & she laughed again & this time told me that it didnt matter i was still Carly, & because i was Carly, it could never change how she saw or felt about me. But, you didnt know that one did ya Randy?? So before you go and tell me how MY BEST FRIEND AND GODSISTER would feel about the things i do, & tell me that she would "bitch slap me" why dont you actually take a minute and think about that.. best friends are best friends because they love each other for who they are, you immature asshole. For that one comment you made, i hope you feel lower than dirt & realize maybe that attitude right there is the reason your life is fucked up. Because of nothing but yourself.

Happy early Birthday babydoll-- June 22, 1989

I love you Emily Diana Bonds- - nothing can ever change that <3