and so she wakes up in time to break down
she left a note up on the dresser and she's right on time
you don't know anything right or wrong

I said I know, and she said so
I want to panic but I've had it, so I go
you don't owe anything to anyone

but don't take your life
because it's all that you've got
you'd be better off just up and leaving
if you don't think they will stop

and when you wake up
everything is going to be fine
I guarantee that you wake up in a better place
and in a better time
so you're tired of living
and you feel like you might give in
well don't
it's not your time

looking through the paper today
looking for a specific page
don't want to find her full name followed by dates
because when I left her alone
she made a sound like a moan
"you're known by everyone for everything you've done"

fuck buying flowers for graves
I'd rather buy you a one way non-stop
to anywhere, find anyone, do anything
forget and start again, love
she said she won't go and that's that

it hurts too much to stand by
you've got to stop and draw a line
and everyone here has to choose a side tonight
the moment of truth is haunting you
don't forget your family
regardless of what you choose to do
you can't decide
and they're screaming "why won't you?"

I'll start the engine but I can't take this ride for you
I'll draw the bath and I'll load your gun
but I hope so bad that you bathe and hunt

annie's tired of forgetting about today
and always planning for tomorrow
annie says "the saddest day I came across
was when I learned that life goes on without me"
annie says "if everyone has someone else,
then I ain't got nobody's love to save me"
annie says "I think I'll pass away tonight, because
it seems I'll never get it right if it's just me"

annie says she wouldn't mind
if they never find a cure for all her problems
annie says as long as she has someone near to make it clear
she does not need to solve them
"oh, this loneliness is killing me
it's filling me with anger and resentment
I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again"

and when you wake up
everything is going to be fine
I guarantee that you wake up in a better place
and in a better time
so you're tired of living
and you feel like you might give in
well don't
it's not your time

and even if it was
I wouldn't let you go
you could run run run run but I will follow close
someday you will say "that's it, that's all"
but I'll be waiting there with open arms to break your fall
I know that you think that you're on your own
but just know that I'm here
and I'll lead you home if you let me
she said "forget me"
but I can't

---

I miss you, I miss you...so much.
I hate nights like tonight, when I can't keep myself from missing you. When I wonder why I didn't pay more attention. When I wonder what we'd be talking about right now if you were still here, and you were happy.

I hate buying grave flowers.

Matthew

1.

A bunch of dudes were all related all the way down from Abraham to Jesus. David and the exile to Babylon appeared somewhere in that lineup as well.

How Jesus' birth came about: Mary and Joseph were engaged, but before the wedding she found out she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit. Joseph, of course, didn't buy that right away, but since he was cool and all, he decided to keep the divorce hush-hush instead of advertising Mary as damaged goods. This—the divorce, not the hush-hush—changed when God used a dream to assure Joseph that, yes, He had impregnated Mary, and yes, it was okay to go ahead and marry her. “She's telling the truth, kid. His name will be Jesus and He will rock your world.”
This stuff just goes to show that God is always right in what He says—in this case, when He talked about a virgin birth in the book of Isaiah.

So Joseph woke up and promptly married Mary, but (unlucky dude that he was) was not allowed to have sex with her until after Jesus was born. So He was born, and they named Him Jesus, which was (of course) His name already, but now it was official.

2.

Once Jesus was born in Bethlehem, the rich intelligent dudes started asking around about Him, saying that they wanted to track Him down and worship Him. When Herod, the current king, got wind of this, he was pretty pissed, so he rounded up all the important people and asked where Christ was supposed to be born. They quoted Micah as saying that it would be Bethlehem. So Herod secretly enlisted the help of Rich Intelligent Dudes to go find Jesus. “Keep an eye out for Him, and when you find Him, come and tell me. So that I can, uh, worship Him.”
“Sure thing.” So they trekked off after this star they had been following and ended up on Jesus' doorstep. Much excitement ensued. They saw Toddler Jesus and Mary chilling at the house, so they worshipped Him and gave Him lots of cool expensive stuff. Then, after a dream told them to give Herod the slip, they went out of their way to avoid him.

Afterwards Joseph had another angel-dream in which the angel gave him the heads up that the king was planning to kill their kid and they should split. Joseph thought this sounded like a good plan, so their family left town under cover of darkness, confirming another one of God's predictions-via-prophet.

Herod eventually figured out that the Rich Intelligent Dudes weren't coming back, and he was very put out. He decided to cover all his bases by just killing every boy in Bethlehem who was around Jesus' age. Little did he know that he was playing right into the prophecy that Jeremiah had put down a long time ago.

Once Herod finally died, God gave Joseph the OK and they came back to Israel. But, seeing as how Herod's son was now ruling in Judea and they had a bad history with Herod & Co., they decided that Galilee—or more accurately, a suburb of Galilee called Nazareth—was a better place to settle down. Again, this had all been predicted a long time before.

3.

John the Baptist had a pretty sweet desert ministry going around this time. He would tell people to turn their lives around and get ready for the reign of God—who was already reigning, of course, but was humoring people's delusions for the time. Isaiah had talked about John before when he said that “He'll be just one person, out in the desert telling people to get ready for God.”
John was not the most stylish of dudes, and his diet was largely insect-based. People came from all over to announce that they wanted to start over and to get baptized to symbolize this.

All of a sudden the Pharisees and their goons showed up. John told them off, saying, “Stupid snakes, you're being counter-productive. Don't think you'll get off easy because you're distantly related to Abraham, either. An axe is hovering at the base of your family tree, and if you don't start showing some promise, He'll cut it down. I'm baptizing these dudes with water to show that they've changed, but later another guy will come, an amazing guy. He's so cool, even getting to carry his shoes would be an honor I don't deserve. None of this water stuff for Him—when He baptizes you, it'll be with the real thing—the Holy Spirit and holy fire. He's ready to sort out the good from the bad, and you're one of the bad.”

Imagine John's reaction when Jesus came and told him, “Baptize me.”
John protested. “Whaaat? It should totally be the other way around.”
Jesus said, “Not to guilt-trip you or anything, but this kinda needs to happen so I can get my ministry going.”
John couldn't argue with that.
Once John had dunked Him and brought Him back up, God's Spirit came from heaven, looking for all the world like a bird. It chilled on Jesus while God the Father said from heaven, “This is my Son and I love Him. I couldn't be more proud of Him.”

4.

God took Jesus into the desert for the next phase of His ministry-preparation. Jesus went well over a month without eating, and was (unsurprisingly) dying of hunger. Satan saw an opportunity and piped up, “Since you're God and all, you might as well turn these rocks into food.”
Jesus wasn't buying it. “The Bible says 'We need God's Word more than we need food.'”
So Satan took him to the highest spot of the temple in the holy city. “Since you're God, you should jump from here. After all, your own Bible says that angels will keep you from falling or hurting yourself.”
Jesus said, “It also says not to test God. Jumping and counting on Him to take care of me would qualify.”
Satan decided to give it one last shot. He took him to a tall mountain with a nice view and pointed out all the beautiful cities and treasures that the world had to offer. “All this stuff? Worship me, and we'll consider it yours.”
“Enough already!” Jesus said. “The Bible says not to worship anyone but God. Now get lost.”
So Satan left, and angels came to take care of Jesus.

Jesus heard that John had been put in prison. He then traveled a bit—Galilee, Nazareth, and Capernaum, which was right near Zebulun and Naphtali—fitting nicely into Isaiah's prophecy: “In all of these places—Zebulun, Naphtali, all that fun stuff—there are people who are about to get their worlds rocked in a big way.” From then on, Jesus was telling everyone to quit what they were doing, because God would soon be overtly running the show.

Jesus was chilling on the beach when he saw Peter and Andrew, who were brothers. They were trying to catch fish, since they were fisherman and that is what fishermen do. He told them, “Come with me, and I'll show you how to fish in a way that will matter eternally.” They immediately took Him up on this offer.
They ran into two more brothers, James and John, on a father-son fishing trip with their dad. He gave them the same deal He'd given Peter and Andrew, and they responded the same way.

Everywhere Jesus went good things happened. He taught and spread good news and things that people needed to hear. He healed all kinds of nasty stuff. This kind of thing travels quickly, and soon everyone was trying to cash in on it—bringing Him every kind of injury and sickness imaginable. He healed them all. Soon He attracted quite a following.

In the Matrix, Agent Smith talks about how the original Matrix was a "perfect world," but they had to redesign it because humans wouldn't accept it; they kept trying to "wake up" from it. Sometimes I think that I am like this. If something seems to be going unnaturally well, I freak out and try to wake up from it. Like now.

Highly Abridged GTL:
* Right now, no one is mad at me (or if they are, they've kept it to themselves and I remain blissfully ignorant)
* I talked to two close friends last night--Chel and K--to whom I had not spoken in ages
* The race was great and it's over now, and I think I'm going to keep running and maybe try for a full marathon this time next year
* I have what looks like a bright future with the most amazing guy in the world
* Being in Alaska taught me some things about hoping in the Lord
* My family rocks and we all get along
* I'll be off lexapro by the end of the week, leaving only wellbutrin
* I got all kinds of inspiration for my story while in Anchorage
* MD just bought me an orange shirt that says "Texas Longhorns" in sparkly letters

Also, because I like lists, a list of the songs that make me saddest:

Summer Calling - Andain
Time - Andain
Burned With Desire - Armin van Buuren
The Autumn Leaves - ATB
Rain - Breaking Benjamin
Center Aisle - Caedmon's Call
In These Rooms - Cindy Morgan
Dead Skin - Crossfade
Cutting Deep - Darren Styles
After All - Delerium
Exit Highway - Designer Thumbs
Never - Roc Project ft. Tina Arena
Sweet Mysery - DJ Tiesto
You Are Alive - Fragma
Speeding Up the Octaves - Hawthorne Heights
Como Se Cura Una Herida - Jaci Velasquez
Imagine - Keith Thomas
Numb - Linkin Park
The Departure - Michael Nyman (Gattaca Soundtrack)
Jealous - Nina
The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
Damaged - Plumb
The Art - Rachael Lampa
Be My Escape - Relient K
Let It All Out - Relient K
When I Go Down - Relient k
Angel - Sarah McLachlan
Epiphany - Staind
Right Here - Staind
Everything Changes - Staind
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars
Wishes - Superchic[k]
The Background - Third Eye Blind
Away From the Sun - 3 Doors Down
Yesterday's Feelings - The Used
The Wreckage - Vanessa Carlton
Scream - ZOEgirl

And to complete the randomness:

"I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get!" -RENT

"I guess it's the lesser of two awkwards." -Alan

sistermaynard1 (12:12:12 AM): that's the thing. once someone's your friend you notice the good stuff.