girl_named_jordan's Xanga

Friday, August 13, 2004

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 17:29:22 GMT

Sorry I haven't posted much lately....I have no good news. Why can't I see food as disgusting? It's such a temporary satisfaction. I need the energy so bad though....where else can I get it!? This weekend I'm going away with my boyfriend to his friends cabin. Horrible for two reasons....1. I have to wear a swimsuit.....and 2. he'll notice me not eating. Well, knowing me, I'll eat. Geez! I suck. I haven't gained....but I haven't lost. I've been mildly restricting, but I want to FAST! 5'7".......128........ I want to be 115 (at least) asap .....and then down and down and down.....

But hey, at least I can work on my tan this weekend.... : )

Trying to smile, Jordan

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 12:57:39 GMT

Got in my first accident last night. It sucked. The back of my car got it by some crazy lady while I was turning, so it wasn't my fault....but damnit....I love my car. Optimistically, it could have been a whole lot worse but I'm still shook up about it....

I had some spinach with tiny bit of low cal, low carb dressing for lunch yesterday. I was on my way to grab some coffee and chill when I got in my accident....and afterwards I just went to bed instead. So that spinach was it and I feel fine. Kind of just sick to my stomach about what happened. I keep thinking about the 'what-if's' and how I could have avoided it....and it's driving me nuts.

I had an awesome weekend, though. There was this art fair in uptown that I go to every year...it's awesome. Except I've been noticing that more and more food tents are added each year instead of art ones. Americans....pshh. Haha. I love art though, so it was fun. And on Sunday I went to the 'Twin Cities' festival to hear some awesome bands play and Luis Palau speak. It was sooooo hot out, but all that sweating was good for me, yeah? Funny how I think of it that way.... hmmm.

Other than that, not much is new. Weight was still at 127 the last time I checked....but that was a few days ago.

Hope all is well with you girls.

Much Love....Jordan

Friday, August 06, 2004

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 13:38:42 GMT

Duh, like I didn't post this. I got some Xenadrine. I've taken one every morning and afternoon....but the thing is...if I DON'T have some sort of food or non watery liquid (does that make sense?? Like orange juice or milk or something) I feel like I'm gonna puke. Like my stomach is telling me I'm super hungry....but my throat and whatever feels like I'm so full. Ya know that feeling? But I like how much energy it gives me, and I'll let you guys know if I notice a difference. I'm just hoping it can boost my metabolism. Does green tea do that? Or what else does that? I wish I could just find an everyday schedule with what exactly to have when...pills, supplements, liquids...etc. I love schedules. (can't wait for school to start)

Friday, August 06, 2004

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 12:46:08 GMT

My life has just been so boring lately, I swear. I mean there's been no change in my weight....which is just depressing. But on the good side, makes me even more determined and encouraged to fast. There's been no drama with friends or family or my boyfriend.....which is good in itself....but boring to write about. Except I keep going back and forth on the whole "i love you" thing. When I'm with him...there's times I just want to say it....but it's when we're apart that I question it. It's weird....but with even the slightest question in my mind, I know I can't say it. What if he says it? (p.s. he's so saying it first)....and I'm still doubting??....I can't not say it back. Maybe I do love him and I'm just too scared. (yep, still...after 8 months) Ugh. My ex boyfriends sure messed with my head and heart. Damn them! : ) haha

Alright, well....suppose I should work some. I can't wait to get outside and run after work today. It's gorgeous outside!

I hope you all are smiling today, and are feeling well!

<3, Jordan

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 19:38:28 GMT

Just wanted to apologize for being crabby lately. I've just been mad at myself and my lack of control.....but I swear I'm doin ok! Curious, too, any suggestions on diet pills? I've been hearing about stacker 2's?

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 13:08:47 GMT

I'm fat. I won't even let my boyfriend touch me because I am so fat. I've been restricting like no other....but why does it look like I'm getting fatter!? Doesn't help that the scale says the same thing, day after day after day. It screams 127 at me. I hate all of my clothes, I wish I could just wear a big sweatshirt ALL of the time. I have to go to my friends cabin for the weekend, next weekend, and be in a swimsuit etc, etc....I don't want to go at all. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not ALL negative today, because I did good yesterday by not eating besides the bday dinner of salmon and salad my boyfriend made for me. So that's exciting....(not good enough) but really...food is such a temporary satisfaction, it's sick. What's almost as sick is the oxymoronic expectations from everyone.....you're not skinny enough, but you HAVE to eat every meal of every day. Anyways.....

That's it for now. Much Love!!!!......Jordan

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 16:45:57 GMT

Not a whole lot to post today. I'm super tired.

Tonight my boyfriend is making me dinner for my birthday. (it's in april.....he's making up for it because he was studying abroad then)......how do i get out of this?....

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday for my anemia. I'm nervous because last time they noticed a change in my blood stats due to nutrition. I want to talk to them about a specific diet....(pretend)....to see what types of food they want me to eat exactly...then if and when I eat....eat those. I'm also debating a no/low carb diet. IF i do happen to eat...make sure it had no carbs. These are all just ideas.....right now, I'm just not eating, but I'm concerned to get sicker or do some permanent damage.....any suggestions?....

Hope all is well with you girls.

Much Love - Jordan

Monday, August 02, 2004

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 13:03:38 GMT

Such a good weekend! I was so worried going into it and being in certain situations, but I kept strong and avoided them so well. I went to movies to soak up a few hours....went to the park and read a book to soak up a few more....and before I knew it....the day was over and I had drank tons of water and had a spoonful of peanut butter. (haha, remember?...my new obsession) I'm feeling fine though....just super sore from running outside! (which I love the feeling of, p.s.) Usually I'll work out inside on my elliptical or a treadmill at the club because it's always been super hot out....but the other day it was kind of chilly and I attempted running outside. Wow, can we say shin splints? It's funny how you use different muscles running in different environments..... ouch

Sidenote: It's the boytoy's and my 8 month anniversary today.

Random Thought: I wish I was 21. Not to drink though, I'm not a huge drinker....but like I get soooo bored some nights where my friends and I just want to go hang out somewhere and most coffee shops, other than the real freaky ones in uptown, close at like 10. I think it'd be fun to just get semi-dressed up and chill at a bar or something fun. Soon enough, I suppose....

Red bracelets....some of you girls gave me some good ideas (thank you) for not as boldly wearing a red string around my wrist, rubberband, mix it with other colors...etc....(cuz, let's be honest, with the new Mary Kate info out...it'd be more of a statement than a reminder).....and the people I'm most concerned with knowing are my parents, boyfriend, and best friend/roommate. But I totally like having that reminder right there on my wrist. Here's what I did....I went and bought a bright red W.W.J.D. bracelet. This is good in more ways than one. I'm a Christian, and I decided that I want to honor God with my eating....or lack there of. To ask Him for the strength to fast as so many have for Him....and when I do eat, I fail Him. I'm hoping I can feel full from His strength and love and not depend on something as temporary as food. Also, the bracelet is bright red......and the fact that it's a Christian statement rather than an ana statement will cease any concern or suspicion my rents, roomy or bf would have.

Sorry for the boldness of that last para...(religion is usually a shakey subject).....but it's a mentality and strength I wouldn't mind having...and why not make two big parts of my life one? I can post whatever whenever here, yeah?...I expect you all to do the same. : )

Hope all is well with you guys!! <3 Jordan

Friday, July 30, 2004

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 19:31:14 GMT

Have a great weekend girls....Stay STRONG!!!! : ) And thanks again for everything. You guys are the best.

Much Love..... ~ JORDAN

P.S. It's been a good day so far! And I'm feeling fine! : )

Friday, July 30, 2004

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 12:50:42 GMT

126 on scale. Which is ok. A noticable difference from 3 weeks ago. But at this rate, I will not make it to my GW by school.

Yesterday: 3 Starbursts. Two diet cokes. A coffee. Protein shake. 4 Wheat Thins. Elipse for 45 minutes. 100 sit ups. 75 push ups. Walked around the mall for an hour. Played/goofed around playing tag and what not with my bf.

I need vegetables. I wish vegetables had caffeine. That's the only reason why I drink diet coke....otherwise I hate soda. Any other suggestions for pick me ups?

Today's sort of a blah day. I'm excited it's Friday....but the weather is gloomy and the end of my work day can't come soon enough.

Currently Reading.....The Case for Faith......then Angels and Demons. Also, I picked up a copy of the latest 'In Touch'....mary kate olsen is on the cover. In need of some thinspiration.

Hope all is well with you girls.

Much Love....Jordan