to the roomie, and all of you

To Lauren (yet everyone must read it.)

two days ago....

I used to think...

I used to think I was invincible.  I honestly believed that I could do anything, at anytime, and be 100% successful at that feat.  Now, while confidence in life is key...sometimes life hands you really bad apples, or spilt milk past it's experation date.

I used to believe that I would always be healthy, vibrant, and have the energy to stay up until two every night and wake up at four, ready to meet the day.  I used to think that eating 800 calories a day was not only a great way to stay reed thin, but also a great health choice.  I used to believe that the King James Version of the Bible was the only version to read and everyone else was confused in some type of false doctrine.  I once believed I could trust anyone and everyone.  I honestly thought I would always be healthy, and I was....until I wasn't. 

I was the healthiest person I knew.  I had the immune system of a cyber-aged robot created by Stephen Spielburg and the ability to drink three venti americano's every day without skipping a beat.  Then, all of a sudden I wasn't.  And when the first surgery was over, I thought I was in the clear, but things only got worse.  I had the second surgery, and after that I was plagued with horrible blood problems.  Suddenly, I realized that I was no longer the invincible girl I knew once.  I depended on people, but then again, I did not know who I could trust.

I used to think I could give my heart freely, and that 'love' was all it was cracked up to be.  Yes, I didn't kiss a guy till I was 20ish, and yes, I'm still a virgin, but it just seems that sometimes life and love do not end up the way you envisioned them.  I've decided maybe I should just be celebate (in the most extreme sense of the word!)  I have learned to wait for trust, I have learned to wait for the right time to act, and until I am whole, and not scary and damaged, I'm going to knit.  Knitting is my new release.  I have no idea how to do it, but I think it will be a good idea.

I used to think that I could put my full trust in the Republican Party, and yes, I am partially recanting my past blog at the advice of a dear dear friend.    I am sick of body bags coming back instead of families being reunited, I'm mad that we can't find anything better to do than blow up innocence.  Where has the good gone in this world?  And what in the world am I supposed to do about it?   I have learned that even good people do stupid things.  Yes, my last blogging was a little extreme, but I have a right to say that you'll never make a difference if all you do is conform (by the way protestors, there were only like 100 of you total there....NICE). 

I don't want to be a lawyer, I want to make poverty history.  Last night my dad told me that was impossible, and maybe he's right, but I can make a difference.  Sometimes I just wish I knew what the hell I was supposed to be doing right now, at this very moment to get to the place where I can help change the world, to bring peace and light to the darkest of regions.  Should I teach?  Should I train new leaders?  Should I be a lawyer and fight for rights?  Maybe I'll just start a band, be the lead singer, and hold tela-thons?  Who knows...If anyone has any idea as to how I can save this world please tell me. 

This blog is stupid, I know.  Grammar is completely off, so go ahead and judge me.  I'm tired, I have a 9-5 job now (for a whole week!) and I cannot get my diet to work no matter how much I work out.  I also need workout tips.  Ha ha....I'm just kidding, but the fact I want you to see here is the fact that no matter how much you have going for you, you're still breakable.  I've had one boyfriend in my entire life, and I'm still damaged, but not by him?  We're all damaged.  My hope is to bandage up this world's wounds. 

To everyone who voted for bush...didin't...particularly for those of you protesting

President George W. Bush is coming to speak at Oklahoma State University this weekend, it is one of only four universities he shall make for their commencements this year.  I was Bush's greatest supporter during the last election season, and like most, have not approved of all his actions as of late.  I do, however want to highlight on something.  I was reminded of a passage in a book a while back to those of you who insist on protesting (although, as I have stated, I do not completely support this administration.).  Yes, we have a right to free speech, however, I believe it is a shame to hold your 'Christian' title and hold no respect for the governing authority above you.  I could be wrong, chatize me if you will, but here is my passage, and I merely ask you to read it:

I once had a crush on a guy who went to a rally against Bush's plan to attack Iraq.  We were sitting around in my friend's living room and talking about it and he was in a huff and at one point, raised his fist and said, "Down with Bush!"  After that, I didn't have a crush on him anymore.  He only went to a rally where there was a lot of hype, cool kids, and cool people with cool clothes and hippie haircuts.  He decided what to believe based on whether other people who believed it were of a particular fashion that appealed to him. 

The Thing I have to work on in myself is this issue of belief.  Ghandhi believed Jesus when He said to turn the other cheek.  Gandhi brought down the British Empire, deeply injured the caste system, and changed the world.  Mother Teresa believed Jesus when He said everyone was priceless, even the ugly ones, the smelly ones, and Mother Teresa changed the world by showing them that a human being can be selfless.  Peter finally believed the gospel after he got yelled at by Paul.  Peter and Paul changed the world by starting small churches in godless towns.

Eminem believes he is a better rapper tahn other rappers.  Profound.  Let's all follow Eminen.

Here is the trick, and my point to all of you:  Satan, who I believe exists as much as I believe jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons.

You believed in something enough to rally after it, to take the effort to registar and vote six years ago, and again two years ago.  Now, it suddenly is cool to rebel, to go against the authority which not only God has placed over you, but we have placed on ourselves.  I don't know about you, but guys, we are sounding more and more like the postmodernist children of priviledge who care nothing about making the 'difference' and following people with 'beliefs' like we always promised ourselves, but rather we want to 'protest' because suddenly it is 'cool.'

I personally am still going to support George W. Bush and wish I could hold up a sign that says, 'I STILL support the man WE elected."  It was just a thought, but really guys, stop conforming.  People who follow will never lead.

really, we're a whole lot smarter than we give ourselves credit for

There are some of you who know my opinions on this particular matter, so you can either exit this browser, or be once again reminded of the importance of message. 

Something which is extremely scary has been awakened to my senses within the past weeks, months...perhaps I have noticed these things my entire life, however have refused to simply address them.  How many issues, problems, and violations of human rites do we see and experience daily, however it is much, much easier to conform to their standards than to create our own?  Honestly ask yourself that question.  We hail ourselves as 'people of non-conformity', but it appears to me ALL we are doing is conforming to the status quo of what tabloids, television, and teachers tell us to do.  For this I am unfeinly frightened, and disappointed in myself.

Recently my sister drew me into our game/computer room to view a music video she thought I would enjoy.  It was called 'Stupid Girls' by Pink and made fun of practically every starlet in Hollywood today asking the question, 'where, oh where have the smart people gone?'  Now, I am not much a fan of Pink, but I believe that her 'stupid' video brought to my attention an even more important concept.  We don't look for smart people anymore.  Life has become watered down, or 'champanged down.'  Making a difference, doing something with our lives is no longer important, but ohhh..looking cute, that is the supreme ethos of life. 

Aristotle said that a life of contemplation was the greatest aim, and our culture says that 'looking cute is.  does that concern anyone?  I just thought I would check.  I have a younger sister for those of you who did not know, and she is the covergirl for this generation.  She is beautiful, and works day and night to make that beauty everpresent.  My sister is the type of girl who is wonderful and excels at anything she puts her mind too.  She is reed thin without exercise, amazing at any sports she attempts, and pretty much anything else she decides she actually wants to try to do. (such as school.)  However, she never develops any talents in her life, she sits in her room, cuts pictures out of tabloids after she has read them, and creates new 'outfits.'  She carries around a $800 dog in her purse, and talks in public in a voice which is completely unidentifiable to a young woman who lives with her.

It is not my sister only, but our entire society.  Women are attempting the unthinkable....we are making ourselves look 'stupid' like "oh my god!  I lost my lip gloss!  The world is over!  MEN!  HELP!" when these young women are the smartest, brightest people who could use the time they are using getting their bikini waxed to promote world peace or something.

I look at myself.  I am a girl of the same age bracket, growing up in the same generation.  I want to save a dying world.  But....they are winning.  The 'plastic robots' are taking root in every part of the world, even in religion.  Our ministers now seem to look more like Ken than Lewis and have billboards with photo-shop edited photos of themselves being glorified.  What is this world coming to?  A certain mainstream denomination last year had over 250,000 conversions to Christianity, however can account for only 4,000 memberships.  We are packing out 'stadium' churches zapping people of the world with meaningless messages and crazy music.  They walk out, and their lives are no different.  Is not the point of salvation a complete change in life?  Perhaps I am gravely mistaken.

What I am saying is, how in the world is this female supposed to end up making any difference on the universe when if I dress up I am glorifying the 'stupid girls.'  If I look 'professional' I am automatically a lesbian?  What am I supposed to do?  GET FAT?  No, no, no.  We are living in a society filled with Paris Hilton, the Playboy mansion, and the scariest epidemic this world has ever faced.  The 'Plague of Materialism'.  I believe we are in more trouble now than we were with the Nazi's in Germany.  The Plastics are winning.....People of Flesh....stand up and fight.