Today went all right.  I had an apple and salad without dressing for lunch--all negative calories.  Awesome.  I did have a little bit of dinner, though.

But I worked out really hard tonight and drank soooo much water. 

I also put the scale in my room so there's a constant reminder of what I want.

And I just realized that I missed America's Next Top Model.  shit.

But I'm going to get a bath and get ready for bed.  If tomorrow is slightly better than today, then I'm doing well.  <3

My uncle took my cousins and me out for breakfast this morning.  I had no choice because I spent the night at their house last night.  I had french toast... and I tried to eat as little as I could without feeling bad because he paid for my meal.  I always feel obligated to clean my plate if I'm not the one buying.  idk.

So I felt disgusting after that.

I came home and changed into a pair of jeans that have gotten even tighter.  These birth control pills are really kicking my ass.  I need to cut out food completely if I want to maintain a low weight.  gah.  I read that it's just water weight, though... so maybe laxatives will help me take care of that.  I should try.

I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day.... UNTIL.

I got into a fight with my parents, and I have a senior project due along with an English notebook and a test tomorrow.  I went to get my driver's permit renewed and they wouldn't let me.  I have to retake the written test.  blah.  I can't get my license until I get a car, I can't get a car until I get a job, and I can't get a job until I get my license!  It's such a big mess.  I'm so stressed out.

So yeah, I binged.  I ate a bowl of cereal and four oreos with milk.

Then I purged.  For the first time in like a month.

I didn't want to start that again, but... if that's what it takes.  Whatever.

Well I got tons of my favorite candy for Easter...  and I admit, I gave in and ate some.  But then, I felt horrible and disgusting so I threw it all in the trash. :)  It's no longer a temptation... I just wish I had done it before I ate any of it.  Anyway... I found this and I thought it might be useful to you all.  <3

Why Do I Eat When I'm Not Hungry?

Why is it we eat when we are not hungry? Why do YOU eat when you are not hungry? Here are several reasons:

I'M BORED. You're sitting there, at your desk at work, or on the sofa at home and you suddenly think, "Hmmmmm, I'd like some food, I NEED some crisps, chocolate, fries". You go and get them, you eat them, and then you need, "Oh, just a bit more." Are you really hungry or are you just bored? Sometimes we eat food as a way to curb our boredom. Think about whether or not you're hungry - is your stomach growling? If not find something to do - knit, sew, read a book, clean - anything to take your mind off food!

IT'S TASTY. Yes, it is! But be careful how much you eat. If you're not hungry but you really fancy something tasty or someone has offered you something tasty, and you've been very, very good with your diet have a SMALL piece (if you have the willpower to resist more!). Eating more will not add to the taste sensation - it's still the same taste as the first bite you had! Treat yourself occassionally...but in small amounts!

THERE'S NO-ONE ELSE AROUND. How many times have you done this? You're sitting there with the family or a loved one near you and you're thinking about the tasty piece of cake in the fridge, or the Haagen-Daas in the freezer. You sort of hope that the people around you will go soon so you can indulge because, in a weird way, when there's no-one else around you're not really putting calories in your mouth! The fact is, if you wait for other people to go away and leave you alone in the kitchen you are likely to eat a LOT more than you would if they were around. Have some of that cake or icecream but have a small portion and do it when there are people around you. That way you have had something tasty but you haven't binged. If they ask you why you're eating it when you're on a diet say, "I'm allowed a treat a day," or "I've already counted it into my calories for today." We need to get over the GUILT of eating when other people are around - even in our own homes

IT'S STRESS EATING. This is a tricky one and one that a lot of people can relate to. Like smokers smoking after a stressful event or drinkers have a shot of something alcoholic many people with a weight problem tend to turn to food for solace when the going gets stressful. The best way to stop stress eating is to confront the stress. With the stress gone so will the eating. If you can't ease the stress actively try doing a relaxation tape, taking an aromatherapy oil bath or asking your partner to give you a shoulder massage.

IT'S COMFORT EATING. This problem is very similar to Stress Eating. Things go wrong, disappointing news, a break-up, a bereavement - it's easy to reach for food to make us feel temporarily better. It's so easy to do but so important to avoid. If you can seek comfort from friends and family, talk about the issue that is making you unhappy, try to find ways around it, write a list of things that make you smile or things you are proud of. If you feel angry or disappointed with someone write them a letter - put all your feelings down into it - then throw it away. Treat yourself with massages, home facials, a new nail polish or bubble bath. Look after yourself. Overeating won't help in the longrun.

BECAUSE MY FRIENDS/PARTNER CAN EAT LOTS. This is a really unfair one. How come all those skinny friends of yours can go to a fastfood joint five days a week and not put on a single pound? How come your partner can have portions double the size of yours and still look slim? It stinks that life is unfair like that but it IS the way life is. You have to figure out which you want more - to eat lots or to lose weight? Is it REALLY so important to be able to eat fast food 5 times a week, or eat HUGE portions? It's not a race, you don't have to 'keep up' with anyone. Go at your own speed, follow your own plan and you WILL lose weight.

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU'RE THIRSTY. It sounds very strange but often you may be reaching for a cookie when what you actually want is a drink! Before you snack try having a glass of nice, cold water - it may be what you were after the whole time!

REVENGE. Been there - done it! Ever had a disapproving partner or parent who would monitor everything you ate and constantly comment? Ever get really annoyed? Ever eat 'bad' food secretly just to get back at them?! There are more of us out there than you think! It is VERY irritating to have everything you put in your mouth commented on by someone else (particularly someone you care about) but who are you really hurting by eating in secret? Not them. They're not the one with the weight problem. The only person you are hurting by eating in secret is you. Instead TELL the commenting person to stop - explain to them that their remarks are not appreciated and that if you feel like having a treat you'll have a treat. Keep focussed on your weightloss and don't let others put you off.

blah.  The birth control pills are definitely taking a toll on my body.  It's so disgusting.  I don't even want to take them anymore.  I'm debating whether being pregnant is as bad as being fat.

Not only are they making me gain water weight, but I have mad cravings.  ickkkkkkk.  It's really depressing.

I really want to be healthy.  Is there a such thing as being thin and being healthy?  I don't even know.  I can't eat normally because I gain weight and if I starve myself I'm so weak and blah.  It's a lose-lose situation.  I need to find some kind of middle ground and I can't.

I haven't purged in like three weeks, though.  I'd say that's probably a good thing.  I really wanted to today, but I refrained.  Mainly because there were people in my house.

I went shopping for clothes that aren't so tight so that I don't feel so depressed about getting dressed in the morning.  I got two pairs of jeans from Aeropostale that are size 1/2.  I don't see how I can look and feel like a size 9 and fit into a size 1/2.  It doesn't make sense.

My friend Alyssa lost seven pounds.  She doesn't know how.  Probably stress.  Nonetheless, she looks great.  I'm so envious.  I wish something miraculous like that would happen to me.

Good luck, ladies.  <3

I found this and thought you all might enjoy it..  hope it helps. :)

10 Tips to Boost Your Metabolism

1. Build lean body mass. As mentioned above, metabolism slows as we age – by as much as two percent a year! But there is something you can do to counterbalance nature. “Muscle is the single most important predictor or how well you metabolize your food, how well you burn calories and burn body fat,” insists Shari Lieberman, author of Dare to Lose. Strength training with dumbbells or resistance bands at least twice a week is essential to boosting your metabolism. Repeat – essential. And here’s the really good news: Your metabolism stays pumped for many hours after you finish your workout.

2. Get moving. You know the drill, but here’s a reminder. At least 30 to 60 minutes of walking, jogging, cycling, swimming or some other form of aerobic exercise a minimum of three times a week is the other half of the exercise equation. “People don’t like to hear it but you have got to exercise,” says Lieberman.

3. Eat. It may sound crazy to those trying to lose weight by severely restricting their daily caloric intake, but the problem with this old school of thought, explains Michigan dietician Julie Beyer, is that it actually slows metabolism. “Every cell of the body is like a flashlight bulb,” she explains. “When our bodies don’t get enough food, or fuel, every cell burns less brightly.” Recent studies show that eating smaller meals every three to four hours aids metabolism and weight loss.

4. Ditch the sugar. Of course, you still have to make good choices about what you eat. “When you eat sugar you throw your metabolic switch into fat storage mode,” says Lieberman, who suggests a predominately low glycemic index diet, meaning foods that, unlike sugars, are broken down gradually to help maintain an even blood-sugar level.

5. Don’t skip breakfast. It’s a fact that people who eat a healthy breakfast are skinnier than people who don’t. And try to think outside the box. A breakfast bowl of vegetables and brown rice is a great way to kick-start your metabolism for the day.

6. Include hot foods. If Mexican and Thai are favorites, you’re in luck. “Spicy food that has hot peppers in it appears to boost metabolism,” Lieberman says.

7. Drink green tea. “There are unhealthy things that can boost your metabolism, like a really strong cup of coffee, or nicotine, but I would never say go have a cigarette!” says Michelle Streif, a personal trainer in Nebraska. Nor overdo it on caffeine, which also has undesirable side effects. Instead, go for green tea, says Lieberman, which is known to stimulate metabolism longer and more effectively than coffee.

8. Don’t forget H2O. Staying well hydrated is essential to flushing the body of toxic byproducts that are released when fat is burned. Cold water may also give your metabolism at least a small boost because energy is required to heat the body.

9. Avoid stress. At all costs. “Stress can actually cause weight gain, particularly around the tummy,” says Lieberman. Why? Because physical and emotional stress activates the release of cortisol, a steroid that slows metabolism.

10. Sleep. Research shows that people who don’t sleep for seven to eight hours a night are more prone to weight gain. Additionally, we now know that lean muscle is regenerated in the final couple of hours of sleep each night, says Beyer. Which takes you right back to tip number one!