hey, kids!  hope your first day of vaca went well.  :)  mm. . .this post is mainly to let you know that i have my first page of gackt screen caps up!  YAY!!  it's really worth checking out even if you'd rather have gackt dead.  and you better not hope that.  anyway, you can see them here.  they're from a video i downloaded today in which this famous guy dressed up as a girl [though he keeps his manly voice] tries to show gackt his love and affection.  it's super cute.  um.  yeah.  also worth checking out if you like mayonnaise.

in other news, I'M GOING TO THE MUSEUM WITH ELLIE ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i know i just made you jealous.  i'm jealous of myself too.

rachel - yes, you're an excellent messenger!  if the US is ever under nuclear attack, i'm sure the president will choose you to spread the word.  sadly, i have a feeling we'll all be dead by the time you get to us.

my sister is forcing me to work on the love therapy site all day again tomorrow.  she's threatening not to pick up my malice mizer dvd from the post office.  damn her!  oh well.  we'll definitely have the official site up by the end of this holiday so start getting excited for that!

ellie :cheer: also told me that livejournal now gives away free journals.  so i signed up for one.  unfortunately, i discovered you can't change the layout that much unless you have a premium account.  so i'm just going to use livejournal for joining communities and stuff for now.  i'll still be posting at xanga until i can buy myself a paid account [it's $25 if you want to donate because i'm in debt $30 to my sister for spending $40 at hancock fabrics - i only had $10].

/fin.

changed my layout yet again.  the hard-to-readness was bothering me.  but after looking at this one, i've realized it's also slightly hard to read.  too bad.  um. . .this one features camui gackt, or just gackt [pronounced gackuto], an ex-lead vocalist from malice mizer.  now gackt has his own solo career as a pop star and from what i can tell, is pretty successful.  he seems like. . .the japanese justin timberlake.  anyway, his image has changed a lot [he's now a clean-cut pretty boy] but i liked him best from the merveilles period in his cyberland costume [which is what he's wearing in this picture].  you can't really see them, but he's also wearing big black feather wings.  most of malice mizer's best songs came from the merveilles cd, and gackt also looks amazingly gorgeous during this MM era.  :sigh:  oh, how i love gothic japanese boys.  it's a pity the way he turned out, really.  other things to note about gackt are that he loves fan service [when he's the center of it] and if asked, he wouldn't deny that he's bi, though he says he's not gay.  i've heard that when gackt left the band, a lot of fans deserted MM but i still think mana is the band's best asset and klaha [the vocalist who replaced gackt] wrote better lyrics anyway [+ he's also gorgeous].  okay, i know that's more than you care about so i'll stop here. 

[note:  i know it's hard to read the parts where the scene of tokyo is - which is where all those buildings are from - so just scroll down a bit.]

okay, so i just finished downloading/watching the "brise" live and loved it.  every second.  i'm now downloading the "illuminati" music video with the hopes of it being very dirty [since i can't find the illuminati live which incorporates much fan service].  but that's not what this entry's about [i just realized i've blogged like, 4 times now this weekend]. . .

do you ever feel like. . ."why me?"  okay, sure, you take a test, get a suck-ass grade, and then you're like, DAMNIT!  WHY ME?!  right?  but that's not what i mean.  have you ever wondered whether or not you were born at the right time/right place?  i know that sounds so cheesy and ridiculous, but i'm so sure i can't be the only one who's ever thought that.  there are times when i feel so disconnected from everyone, even my best friends and my mom [who i'm soooo close to].  make that, many times.  maybe even most times.  especially now that i'm "changing," i guess is the word. 

i know a lot of people have said, or have thought, "gee, amy sure is different since those 8th grade days when all she could talk about was *NSYNC [where did they go anyway?]." or maybe even "amy used to be so border-line normal.  what happened?" 

but the thing that i don't think most people realize is that i'm really growing into myself.  i'm really happy with the way i am now, even though some people [mostly my family] totally disapprove.  if it wasn't for them, i'd probably be a lot crazier than i am now.  picture piercings and tattoos galore.  plus, i'd probably be in japan screwing some indie visual kei star right now.  and possibly wearing heavy makeup and false eyelashes every chance that i'd get.  actually, i'm not crazy at all if you think about it. 

but anyway.  i have known most of my friends for such a long time [since toddler-ship, even!] and it's really hard to let them go.  and it makes me sad to see that i've drifted apart from so many of them, or that they're now so different from me.  but i guess that really hasn't stopped me from having really close relationships with them.  there are some people that i can hardly bear, and yet i tolerate them because they've been there for me before, and i can only pay them back what they deserve.  and then there are those people who i sometimes think about in class and say, "i hope she never goes away" or "i wish i knew how to make him happy."  unfortunately, sometimes, those are the people i see the least of, and i think that may be why i need them so much.

i've also made a few new friends this year.  it's really strange to me how i've suddenly become a target for people to meet.  no, that doesn't sound right.  but i mean, if i were wearing abercrombie, the "tree kids" wouldn't even look at me.  i remember how just last year i would see them and think, "those are the people i fit in with."  and now, i know quite a few of them, all of them having approached me.  i know this sounds really cocky or whatever, but that's not where i'm going with this at all.  i feel like, since my style/personality has changed so much [and for the better, i'd say] the people i want to get to know are finally recognizing me because i'm like them in some aspect.  also, i guess i'm a lot more confident with who i am - maybe that shows.  and the strange thing is, the ones that i know give me a lot more attention than i expect.  than i could ever have expected. 

with friends like mine, we often do things together, right?  in middle school, i lived for the weekend.  i loved to go out to the mall and watch movies, etc.  but now, when invited, it's hard for me to say yes because i prefer solitude to the popular idea of fun.  being by myself is fun.  i'd rather be at home singing along with whatever band i'm listening to at the time than out chatting with friends and disturbing people to the greatest degree at the new blockbuster movie.  i like being alone because what person do i have more in common with than myself?  and while that probably turns a lot of people off, so what?  mana doesn't like to talk because he believes that two people cannot converse without eventually disagreeing.  isn't that true?  i bet if i spent an hour straight with each of my friends, i'd find at least one reason to dislike them all [see below]. . .

when i came into high school, my goal was to be popular.  isn't that sad?  in my deluded mind, i believed that being popular was the key to getting through high school.  god, did i watch way too many teen movies.  now that i'm actually in high school, and in my third year, no less, i actually feel sorry for the "popular" kids.  many of them [but definitely not all] are as dumb as rocks and the only thing they really care about is who's wearing what to the next dance and/or which party to go to next.  when i'm wearing my "strange" clothes, i see a lot of them looking at me and that's totally okay.  i figure, i have a much better future than them right? 

and that's yet another thing that's changed.  remember how i used to have a one-track mind and was like, "I'M GOING TO BE A SINGER.  THE END."  well, now, i have a realistic goal.  i plan on going to college, either major or minor in japanese culture, study abroad for a year, and possibly become an english teacher in japan.  and then maybe marry mana.  :)  i'd still LOVE to be a singer, and being one would definitely be a dream come true, but i guess now that i'm older, i really have to realize that dreams rarely do come true.  but that's okay.  why?  because i just have this gut feeling [and i've had it for so long] that i'm going to have an awesome future, no matter what.  even the stars say it.  i don't particularly believe in astrological crap, but i've read predictions about my future according to my birthdate in both english and chinese and they've all said the same thing:  all signs point to yay.  my mom believes it too.  and strangely enough, out of her 4 daughters, she believes in me the most, though i've never really done anything to provide her with those thoughts.

but i'm scared too.  while i'm more confident about myself than i used to be, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.  i have so many friends who are smarter, prettier, more talented, and more fun than i am [sound like a lizzie mcguire episode to anyone?] and sometimes when i'm around them, it makes me wonder why circumstances/chance would choose me over them when they possibly have more potential than i do.  because the strange thing with me is that it's not good enough for me to be one thing - i want to be everything.  you know?  but it's hard to do that sometimes because, yes, everyone knows it, i'm a push-over.  :sigh:  i'm rarely heard and i try really hard not to piss people off.  i hate when people dislike me, and while i know there are always going to be people who probably talk behind my back or whatever, it's comforting just knowing that i tried to make them like me better, and maybe they'll think better of me at least a little.  sadly, this means it's hard for me to say no to friends.  and i think it is true what they say, "nice guys finish last."  of course, i'm not saying i'm nice.  oh, god, no.  i can be the biggest bitch if need be.  when it comes to words, mine aren't pretty.  i may be really nice to you just so i don't hurt your feelings [because i hate doing that, really - i.e. 8th grade incident] but when you're not looking, i could be the president of your "i hate _insert your name here_ club."  as long as you don't know.  disgusted with me yet?  look at yourself and tell me you don't do it too.  ;)

wow, so i've strayed so far from my original question.  so again, "why me?"  now that i've become more "me," there have been many instances when i wondered whether or not this is where i'm supposed to be.  am i supposed to have this family whose opinions are so different from mine?  am i supposed to have these friends who know close to nothing about me, even though they've known me for years?  am i even supposed to be in this place, where nothing satisfies my curiosity or need for entertainment?  it's like, what if i was someone else?  what if i was so-and-so and did this and everyone thought i was something special?  or what if i was that person and lived there and could do that?  but how do i know for sure that someone else has the better life?  when i compare how i'm living with people like in the movie we watched in w. geo, where they couldn't even afford to learn about birth control, i'm so extremely grateful for what i have, and then i feel bad about complaining.  but there are all those other times where it just seems like i have to say something, in case the planets are listening and they want to align a certain way for me.  but i know that won't happen.

okay, i'm really sleepy and i've been writing this for quite some time now.  and you know?  i don't even remember what i was trying to say anymore.  but i think you got the gist.  my apologies if you got lost along the way.