hey girls...i know i've been gone for a while but i have a new xanga

dying2bthin1188

please subscribe and comment. i miss you all so much and i'm sorry i've worried you.

much love girls <333

ok i'm back again...my mom had put me in yet another hospital in gainesville. i overdosed and severely cut my arm...she took me off all my meds so things aren't that great right now but o well. school is impossible. i don't know wht i'm going to do. i'm 3 weeks behind, this sucks. *sigh* i joined the gym again!

much love ladies <3333

yesterday i talked to 3 different school employess...my counselor, my psychology teacher, and the nurse...i even called my mom and cried through the phone asking for help. i skipped out on the biggest test for history (worth 3 test grades). asll i could think about was going home and overdosing on something and if i got lucky dying...i wanted to die so badly and part of me still does but then another part of me wats to make soething out of of her life. i wrote a letter to my mom (3 pages front and back) explaining everything that has been going on over the past few years. i didn't hold anything back. i told her about the eating, cutting, and depression. EVERYTHING. it's sitting right next to her purse and i keep going in there and looking at it and wondering if i'm doing the right thing. it's right if i want help. i don't know. like i said ealier part of me does and the other part wants to just wither away and die. i'm so scared of this outcome. i have no idea what's going to happen. my counselor and psychology teacher wnat me to go back to medication and see a therapist regularly like i used to. my counselor thinks i have ADD because i can't concentrate or anything and class all i do is space out even when i try and forcvew myself to pay attention i can't...i have no control over it but i think it's because of the anxiety and depression. i guess these next few days are going to be crazy. i don't know what to expect and it's the scariest feeling ever.

i have this unknown fear inside of me...i am constantly worried about anything and everything. it will not go away. i did not write all weekend and now my feelings are all balled up inside and i can barely comprehend anything. omg i left my journal in the bathroom last night and i'm freaking out. anyone could have read it and my journal has EVERYTHING in it. i'm thinking about purposely failing my AP classes so they'll put me into regular lit and history classes. pretty pathetic i know but i can't take on those classes at this point...not with me like this. i'm barely getting through trig....psychology is my best class, yet that's what i'm planning on studying in college so i guess i can understand why.

my dad was in my dream last night...wow i just realized that. it's like i miss him but i don't. i don't miss him i just miss the idea of actually having a REAL father figure...something i've never really had. i hate how my posts are nothing but depressing stories of my so called life...i'm so sorry. i wish they could be about parties, sucessful relationships with guys, and just great times...but they're not.

i don't have to work today so i'll update when i get home from school.

much love <333