Everything happens for a reason. Right? I don't know. I used to think so but I'm for far past that now all I do is question everything. && lose'n him well.. it just opened so much to me. && talkin to Cara did too. But I fuck up.. it's what I do.. it's just a part of me in a way you could say. I push people away && I don't know why or how or how to change. So once again I lose the ONE good thing I had going for me.

It may be to much to read but it helps.. makes you think MAJORLY

Cara: so like.. what started this whole shit with you n b cuz i thought yall were like amazing
Me: okay here it is
Me: he is amazing he is far better than anything i even deserve hes something beyond what i can explain hes just out of the world perfect he lights up my day hes not just my boy hes my bestfriend. i put all i got into him and he cant see it i dont think cause our ways are different.. and we fight ALL the time now. likes its not even right it cant be healthy it tears me down and i cant do it and i got pushed and dumped him and ill kick myself for it.. for a very long time cause we both know me.. i get hurt to easy and i love to strong. and i did love him i realy did and still do. hes a major patt of me now. but the fact is.. it wasnt easy for either of us somethin changed and changed FAST and i wanted to handle it.. and i did it by losin him.. but everything happens for a reason. but after all this bable'n ( sorry ) the plain answer is i dont make him happy.
Cara: ok can i like give you a BIG ass lecture to what you just said ? you know me i always got something to say back but this is for real and you really gotta listen
Me: kk shoot
Cara: like. i consider you my best friend no matter what happesn to anyone at central cuz you know me and i know you and we can talk and be cool but theres something you gotta understand ok and im bout to sound like a mother so just. dont mind me ok?
Me: lol kk
Cara: if you didnt make him happy dont ya think he wouldnt have gotten with you in the first place? im sure you make that kid feel more than amazing every day of his life and im not just saying that cause your my friend im sayijng that because when i see you guys together its all smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses and no one else i know has that.. not even what me n matt pretend to be oh so happy and we dont havet hat ya know ? you guys look like you're just 560 steps ahead of eveyron eelse. if you didnt make that kid happy dont ya think he woulda stopped this? im sure at one point he was thinking something along the lines of : "do i make her happy? am i good enough or is it that she isnt good enough? does she even care? does she really mean what she says?" you know? like you question yourself all the time about how to handle this how to work with him and love him and care bout him and be with him all at the same time and still find time to be happy and you need to start MAKING time to be happy. i agree with you on that one for sure. you need to make one of your top priorities EVERY day of your life to be happy ya know? i see you tearing yourself down too much about this kid. he loves you babe. i promise and you lov ehim and so what if you love too hard adn too fast your giving that kid everything you have in you and trusting him and if you guys fight you guys fight. thats not always bad. if you guys ARENT happy .. whether you guys r together or u rnt.. but if u guys RNT happy then i promise theres tstill another chpater to this one cuz no matter what anyone says every love story is a fairytale and there is ALWYAS a happy ending.. maybe not together. but theres a happy ending.. i know you love him. i see that. and you gotta trust me hwen i say he loves you. i see that one too. im not good with seeing where love is and where its not but i can for sure see this one and you got something good on your hands. let it fold ya know let it take its OWN place.. your forcing it to look like its YOUR fualt. like hes not happy with you. no jourdan, the problem is that YOUR not hapyp with you. and you should be. cause you havent done anything to make that kid NOT fall in love with you. just let it work it self out and so what if you guys fight and yell and scream and cry and stop talking and then start talking and worry and theres suspicion and all that. if you care about him and he cares about you like i PROMISE he does, then im also promising that he'll be around with a big comeback and you guys will be ok ya know?
Me: that made me cry.. thanks so much! i duno how to not be with him ya no?? like wat to i just sit and wait to he realizes i do care i just suck at showing it cause like you said... the truth is im not happy with me.
Cara: i know thats the truth.
Cara: you just gotta show him ya know?

I Love You Still. I don't know it any other way.

she will chase you around for awhile but there's
going to be a day when she's going to stop
running in circles around you. she's going to
get over you & at that very moment you're
going to wish you had let her catch you

 Heyy !

 Yesterday Bored ALL day like always then at night i have fun cause i hang with Aubrey lol. well lets see... i went over there about 9:30 we ate Wendy's && watched Waitng ( soo funny ). Then we went with her brother. He's house sitting so he hada bunch of people over so me && Aubrey went there.. lol it was okay.. missed Brenden like WHOA though... then at like 12ish we went back to her house and layed down.. and watched some more of Waiting.. then went to bed!!

 Today Got up and my mom picked me up and we went to Bob Evans for breakfast. Bored all day AGAIN but no Aubrey tonight .. i don't think but im not sure yet .. but yeah sat around then my Sister && Megan came home!!! i loved it!! lol cause i wasnt bored anymore we talked about pretty much EVERYTHING!! and i did my Sister's hair for the movies and Me && Megan called Joey ( my sister boy almost ) && talked to him for her.. she was all extra scared then hmmm Carlisha called sayin Micheal, Sam, Cole, Joey, and allll them over at cole's with Carlisha boy ( Nick cole's lil bro ) and that all them boys were callin her a hoe and shit and wouldnt let her talk to her boy nick so i called them up and got shitty and went off they said their sorry's and not fuckin with her no more lol then  yeah.. someone put me in a fuckin shitty ass mood! he always tryna make me feel bad. so me && meagan and my sister got online and i showed *her* to my sis && megan.. they were NOT impressed hehe. it was funny. yeah... but now they at the movies but as soon as my sis kasey && megan come home i wont be bored i cant wait lol cause right now im bored about to watch In th Mix.. again lol

Goals: Shake it off .. Stop caren so much .. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve .. Stop complain'n its nothin anymore .. Let her get her way its Whateva .. Smile more .. Just be me && fuqck everyone else I don't got time for noone else .. Chill with my girls more ..

I Just Can't && Won't Care Anymore </33 Doesn't Phase You Then it Doesn't Phase Me .. !!!!

&& I'm Almost Gone ..

and once you find happiness in this cruel world
there is always someone trying to take it away.
- FiNDiNG NEVERLAND <3

popularity may mean everything
to you in highschool.. but in the real world,
popularity won't be there to get you by.

Obstacles are put in your way to see if what
you want is [ w o r t h . f i g h t i n g . f o r ]

love is the most beautiful of dreams
and the worst of nightmares
`--> William Shakespeare

Don't let a guy build you up with his
words. 'Cause the higher you are, the
harder you fall. And trust me, you
always fall.

&& lately;;you're all I think about.
&& im;; all you can live without

STOP fuckin

PUSHIN me AWAY..

I Won't Blame You If You Want To Leave <33

you’re so typical and i hate you. another
day, same bullshit, this is like a re-run of
some sitcom and here we are, screaming
at each other again. you hurt me on the
inside. Listening to the same songs over
and over again, hearing the same harsh
words replay in my head. Yesterday is
already over, today sucks, and tomorrow
is bound to be just as fucked up.

"Something happens when you look at me
I forget to speak
Something happens when you kiss my mouth
My knees get so weak
Could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
Cuz baby I can't believe...
That something like you could happen to me"

who knows where i would be without you!!***

"i once was doin wrong but i wana do right al because of you"

someone asked me,
"why do you like him so much?"
but before i could even reply, my
best friend put her hand over my mouth
& said, "don't even get her started." <3

but when I look in the mirror
I see a girl whose been through so much
and yet, still finds a way to smile at the past.
She still loves with all her heart
or whats left of it..
& when you see her walk down the hall
I can gaurantee you she'll have her head up high
faking a smile just one last time..
at all those who try & break her
but never will.

smile. It might not make you feel better//but it will keep people from asking what`s wrong

You might not be his first, his last, or his only. He's cared about someone else before and possibly will again, but if he cares for you now, what else matters? He's not perfect and you aren't either. And the two of you will never be perfect, but if he can make you laugh at least once, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He is probably not going to quote poetry, he might not be thinking about you every second of the day, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break. So don't hurt him, don't change him and don't expect more than he can give. Don't over analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there.

It's like once you've been hurt ; you're so
scared to get attached again. Like you have this
fear that every person you start to like is going to
b r e a k . y o u r . h e a r t
</3

A locked door, an old razor, a white towel turned red,
a folded note, a broken mirror,
and a young beautiful girl lying there dead.
Emotions tangle, the room begins to swirl.
She was mommy's perfect angel and daddy's little girl.

Break it, Shatter it.  Do whatever
you want with my heart. Well because
finally, i  just don't feel  it anymore.

she always loved to help other people fix
their mistakes but she never seemed to be able to fix her own.

Shes fuckin 17 a senior goin to college!! and she wants a 16 year old sophmore whos got a girl and that girl loves him and she still cant seem to get over herself and talkin all her dumb nonsense that makes no fuckin sense isnt she supposed to be setting an example for freshmen.. not tryna ruin their lives!! ugh i hate her. shes so IMMATURE! oh well just keep doin what i do i guess dont let her get me to me and win.. oh i try wtfe!!!

©

LA S T W H O . . .

1. Slept in bed beside you? Aubrey
2. Saw you cry?  Caitlin && Brie
4. You went to the mall with? my sister
5. You went to dinner with? family
6. You talked on the phone? my sister
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? Brenden
8. Made you laugh? My Mom just now

You're the last thing my heart expected

Brenden Williams

1.7.o6 <33 && maybe not always at this rate

TRUTH iS ;

I love   you! You had me easy. If you didnt already know i can't be without you. You complete me. I don't care how dumb i sound, I really don't. I'm just so sick of fighting. Youre my everything the reason i smile and your the reason for so many other things. Youre not just my boyfriend youre my bestfriend, and thats a lot. I let you in. I always tell you everything. I'm so happy with you, you have no idea what you do to and for me. I can't even begin to explain what you mean to me and how thankful I am for you. I really do know how lucky I am to have you and call you mine and hug and kiss you whenever I want. But I also know i take all the for granted because there is another girl who would give you everything you need and so much more and all I can say to it is that.. i try. & I already know trying isn't always enough and I'm sorry for everything.. but like I always tell you sorry doesn't usually cut it. Theres much more to a relationship than calling eachother "boyfriend & girlfriend" and i do know that and more. You'd think I'd learn after all the times you've almost walked out. But I have i just really downright suck at showing you how i feel. What can I do anymore to keep you around. Be less shy.. more open.. no secrets.. always tell the truth.. come around more.. call more.. just be me right?? I know every mean thing you do or say or when you push me away or pull away from me is all my fault i bring it upon myself so I don't know why i try to blame you or make you look like the bad guy. I can see why you don't like spending that much time with me too. Im so sorry babe. I love you so much i can't even tell you .. there is so much more to this. Don't let me lose you. PLEASE. There's SO much more to me. I promise.

& my heart can`t possibly break-
when it wasn't even whole to start with.

i think its cute
when you say im pretty
its just that i hate liars

well, here i am. take me or leave me.
but decide quick, i don’t have time
to wait for something that won’t happen.

these words are my d i a r y
screamin` out loud
& i kno that you`ll use them
however you want to . . .

I hope everyone who sees us together
sees just how happy we are. I hope they see the
sparkle in my eyes and I wish they could feel
the butterflies. Then they would understand why
I can't see my life without him in it.

m scared. like one big giant step and everything could become crazy. I know that if I go through with this things will never be the same. and that's hard. But maybe that's what life is-change. all i know, is that no matter how it turns out, it's gonna be worth the risk.

Okay, here it is, your choice..it's simple, her or me, & I'm sure she is really great. But I love you, in a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Backstabbing is so  last season-
Don`t you know faking originality
is in

 i just cant make him happy anymore. what good am i doing for either of us. i mean im annoying and hes sick of me. and so much more i can just tell. if i just make him mad. should i stay? i want to more than anything but i dont do anything right anymore. the only real point i can get across anymore is i love you. <3 but i mean thats not getting us anywhere. he has to. but it is what it is. i cant be what he needs. i have a shy side. im a little childish. i cant do what he wants all the time. im immature at times. we are NOT what we were. its *it* all over again... how far?.. i dont even know anymore. =[ .. how can i make him happy? and im just not * H E R * !! *** oh well. this is how it feels. i did it to myself. so i have to deal. LIVE && LEARN right?? this is bitterness. so far gone now.

 a n y w a y s

this whole week sucked those stuuuuuuuuuuupid migranes are back. ya no the ones when im so stressed... yeah those dumb things. and me and brenden are not on good terms lately. and caitlin is gone. just this sprig break is going to sick so badly!!! ugh!

the world has turned its back on you now. </3

theres no healing this

hes got the smile i fell in love with and the arms i wanna
be held in forever ;; so i guess you could say.. hes a little
more then amazing

Now that I fell in love with you
I can't imagine being with anyone else

"&& no matter what happens
to us in the future, every day
I've spent with you is the
best day of my life."

I want to be your everything, your reason to wake up in the morning, the girl you stay up all night thinking about, the girl you day dream about, && the girl you hit a homerun for... I want us to have that over the fence world series kind of love but... I'll settle for one thought or smile because even something that small could make my day if it came from you

i guess when you`re young first impressions 
are everything sometimes you miss who a person really is 
       -Boy Meets World

how i wish you only knew what i feel inside
for you you probably haven't even gotta clue
but i wish you knew how much ( i love you)

if you don't tell her how you feel she'll find some other guy who tells her all the things that she wants to hear from you

Give me a second chance.
I promise I changed <3

i love you <3 i

PROMiSE

jourdan <3