| the truth. the reality.
IMPORTANT NOTE
( in reply to some of the comments )
... i think you've got it all wrong. i don't want to make any money. i don't want to be the best-selling author or whatever. so why do i write? i write for the pleasure of writing. i write on issues that i think are important. and in a way, my life is so screwed up right now that i want to make happy endings come true. i've been obsessed with weight my whole life. though i never knew why exactly. i mean i was always "normal" i was 5"0 and 85lbs without any dieting to begin with. but ever since i've researched a project for school on anorexia and found these hidden xangas and all these pro-ana site, my mind twisted on me. at first i was commenting hate messages, saying how bad not eating was for you, but then slowly i was absorbed by this and became even more obsessed. though my feelings are somewhat unclear, the truth is, i know what's right and wrong. i know how much people suffered and i want to express that to others. and in a way, i guess writing it all out and everything encourages -myself- to stop doing this too. i didn't think it was that serious at first... i mean, a lot of "ana" people on xanga are just "fat people trying to lose weight" (no offense whatsoever) ... but then, the deeper i look, into the people who actually have the ed. , i knew i got it all wrong... maybe i'm just trying to convince myself that starving to death isn't funny. or maybe i am trying to convince the world. but money or fame is in no way part of what i had in mind.
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please read everything. this means a lot to me and i'm spilling my heart out to you guys.
<333
i've decided that my goals is just to eat less than 1000 calories for now (a big fat number. i know) ... since i'm still adjusting and getting use to not eating as much as before.
there is just no way i would allow my self to binge again. the best way, i figure, is to limit the amount that i eat, not what i eat. so my plan is to eat up to 1000 calories. eat as much healthy and negative cal food as possible, but still eat some fries and stuff so i won't crave for it later on. i've done several tests for BMR and RMR.
My results were as follow:
|
As BMR and RMR only represent resting energy expenditure, adjustments must be made to reflect activity level. This can be done by multiplying your BMR and RMR by an activity factor: |
| Factor |
Category |
BMR |
RMR |
| 1.2 |
Bed Rest |
1,519 |
1,375 |
| 1.3 |
Sedentary |
1,646 |
1,490 |
| 1.4 |
Active |
1,772 |
1,604 |
| 1.5 |
Very Active |
1,899 |
1,719 | |
so even if i am sleeping for 24hrs straight, doing nothing else at all, i'd still burn 1.2 x 1375 = 1650 calories. but if i work out and everything ( which i will be doing alot since i have gym next semester and is trying out for track, soccer etc ), i'm going burn way more than that.
so 1000 calories isn't such a big number after all. i mean, i don't care if i lose 10lbs this week.
i want to lose weight and maintain that weight.
i'm not dumb. i don't want to just lose 10lbs and gain them all back then getting all upset and shit. i'm sick and tired of letting myself down. i am going to be reasonable and honest with me. 1000 calories is it. ofcourse, i could go less than that. i could go 0 calories for weeks for all i care. but 1000 calories is the max. no matter what.
do the math hunn. let's just say i'm sleeping for 1 entire week. which, according to this, i'll need 1650 * 7 = 11 550 calories. and let just say that i eat my max. the whole week , 1000*7 = 7000 calories. 11 550 - 7000= 4550 calories i've lost.
now here's the thing. 3500 calories = 1 lbs. so it means that even if i eat 1000 calories ( the big fat number ) , i still lose like a pound and half a week! and best of all, i get to eat what i want , when i want.
now you may counter me and say. well if you just eat nothing, then you can lose 3.3 lbs a week ( assuming that you are sleeping the whole entire week). well that is true, but how long do you think you can keep that off hunn? a week or two before you start binging and gain even more calories?
studies shown that if you fast, your metabolism slows down ( see i've done my research! .. lol ) . so. before i've ever been on xanga or was ever on a diet , i've been 5" and 85lbs. how is that possible you may ask? well i've been eating alot and believe it or not, eating raises your metabolism! it works better than green tea or whatever :P
now, i've gone ahead and be stupid this summer. i stopped eating as much and i've been 5"1 and 82 lbs in the end. then i went ahead and eat my heart out, like my usual self before i've ever dieted. but my metabolism failed on me. and i've gone ahead and gained myself 10 fat lbs.
and there i was, wondering why. what the fuck happened?
the truth is that when you stop eating much, you metabolism stores up fat and gets rid of water and muscles. and basically, when you starve yourself, your metabolism gets slower and slower.
one of my friend is extremely obese. yet she doesn't eat breakfast , lunch or dinner. and sometimes have an apple when she's really tempted.
and i was like "omg you are so anorexic"
she looks at me and says. "how can i be anorexic when i'm so fat? look at you. i see you eat junk food all the time and you never gain a pound. but here i am, eating nothing but an apple and still i don't lose weight!"
honestly. her metabolism must be so slow. what's left of her is nothing but fat. while for me, even when my eat, my body burns it off a thousand times faster than if i don't eat. that's why i use to go to mcdonalds and wendys for lunch everyday of the week ( no kidding! ) and still not gain weight!
i'm not trying to make a statement or whatever.
no. i'm just trying to do what's the best for me. a pig that i am. i get so tempted by everything around me. it's so hard to not eat. and why bother starving myself when, in the end, i will binge and gain more weight because of dead metabolism?
i think, this is the only possible solution for me. i envy you girls, who can starve yourself and purge and everything. i can't do that. i don't have the strength to. and i'm as scared as hell. i know exactly what shit i can be getting myself into. and i don't want that. i just want to be perfect.
so sorry if i let any of you girls down. but you know what? you guys are going to do great! you have the inner strength that i seriously lack... i'm so proud of you girls. i'm sorry for backing out and eating up to 1000 calories a day. i can't help myself. and i do not want to gain more weight again!
good bye my beautiful. stay strong.
*parting is such sweet sorrow ...
<333
will miss you guys . ox
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My Epilogue.
going to try and write a novel on ana / mia ( i love writing <3 ) ... so i will spent most of my time doing that ... i just want to reflect my feelings and such through my writing... since i'm feeling a billion emotions right now that i want to spill to the world... my hopes, dreams and inner most secrets -- ana ...
PLEASE HELP OUT BY POSTING COMMENTS ON HOW YOU BECAME ANA / MIA AND WHAT MADE YOU NOT EAT OR PURGE AND SUCH. ANY HELP OR SUPPORT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!
<333 YOU GUYS TO THE BONES |
