HTML coding is something that has vexed me since the dawn of time.

i finally figured out this site isn't broken. just had a bad code.

i found a really old site that is untouched and pure of memories.

i'll probably start using that one.

www.xanga.com/harlot_x

Currently Listening The Emancipation of Mimi By Mariah Carey - - shake it off - - see related

sometimes i feel like i am missing out on life. I haven't had any sort of fun in months. the last time i had any kind of "company" with a guy, it was with my shitty ex boyfriend. i haven't been to a show in too long.

i feel like "the best years of my life" are being completely absorbed by work and school. if i'm not studying, and trying to do good in school. i'm at work. i have never worked so hard in school before. i am actually trying this semester. i suppose i realized i'm smart and not mediocre, so i should stop wasting my intelligence? whatever. atleast i feel better about myself. my deal this year was too make it the best of my life. but shit. i have needs. like sleep. and being young. and perhaps a touch of sexual healing?

 hey, i have needs.

i want a boyfriend. but i honestly don't think i even have time for one right now. whatever. boys are shit, and maybe it's for the best.

blah blah blah. i'm boring you to death. but tough. don't comment and don't read if you don't give a shit.

Currently Listening Execution of All Things By Rilo Kiley better son-daughter. see related

I now have a personal vendetta against all forms of drugs.

lets get this straight, it is not alright for you to show up at my place fucked up on pills. you are not allowed to break my heart again. you are not allowed to kiss me, and then avoid all eye contact with me, every time i see you. you are not allowed to have a shitty, ugly girlfriend, and hold her hand.

you are not allowed to ignore my fucking exsistence. got it? can you get it through your valium soaked brain?

those four hours of holding your hand and staring into you eyes brought back a year of complete bullshit. those few hours, a year rolled into four hours. The whole process. falling in love, being in love, and then getting shattered into a million pieces.

it's like your broke up with me a second time. but you'll never fucking get it. i am vulnerable to you. i should have told you no. i should have said, " get in your fucking car, and go home." i also should have said, "get off me". and i should have never let the words i love you escape my lips. i hate you more than anything. and you are still the only thing that keeps me breathing.

but your too high to understand. all you know is that the red lights are flashing, and my nails feel good on your back.

Christmas was super.

Last night was pure debauchery and shenanigans. and i fucking loved every minuet of it. Lets just say i got married, divorced, played twister with no pants on, and got  molested by an ice cream man. i love parties. and i love beer and tom foolery too.

Remeber that "boy" i reffer to in my other posts? i met his girfriend yesterday at work. she came up to me and talked about how, " he says i'm the best thing thats ever happened to him". that sounds familiar. maybe it was in the song he wrote me a little under 2 weeks ago? yes. yes that it sounds exactly like it. i undestand i was the flavor of the week. i get it. but why always me?

i am defective.
i have some sort of chemical imbalance.
i need medication.
save.me.

Always the friend. Never the Girlfriend. But Thats the way it is.
c'est la vie.

the world keeps spinning. life continues. you get over it.

hopefully.

Currently Listening Either/Or By Elliott Smith see related

well. the whole "boy" thing never worked out. tell me how someone can be so into you and then just completely stop talking to you.

story of my mother fucking life.

i guess i can bring it back to why i hate myself so much. people look at me and say i am the face of confidence, that i don't give a fuck what people think about me. but there only half right. they only know the half of it. i hate my body. and it makes me self concious to the point, where i can't even persue someone. i am fucking rediculous i know. beauty is skin deep. if who i am on the inside, was projected as only a skin deep feature. many more boys would be vying for my attention. i honestly don't fucking get it. and probably never will.

i try to make myself feel better. in a year, i will hopefully be tattooed, and further pierced, and a suicide girl like my dream. and for all the people that have made me feel like shit in my life i can laugh because i am sucessful. and won't need them anyways. because i'm out of high school, and life will be better.

please don't comment this and tell me " the right when will come along" because i don't believe you.