Currently Reading Becoming the Woman of His Dreams: Seven Qualities Every Man Longs For By Sharon Jaynes see related

It is Official

I figured it was time for an update...so those of you who have been pestering me can now calm yourselves!

I think that I have been dreaming about this season of my life since I was young enough to understand the concept of adulthood. I can remember dress up games that spun around being this strong woman who fought for her family or rescued orphans from concentration camps or a wilderness woman blazing a trail across the prairies and forests. Obviously, my expectations and perspectives were a bit off as grew up. I honestly remember still watching those adventurous movies in my head as I went through high school, and college just brought about new chapters to the saga. I am not sure at what point it happened, but I look at my life now and have discovered that I grew up without even realizing it. At some point, I woke up an adult and went about my day as if I had always been in that role. Somewhere along the road I dropped off the fairytale dreams of being a medieval princess and traded them in for the dream of finishing grad school and paying off student loans and starting a family. So it is an official moment... I am now on the other side of childhood, finding that the adult version of me now stands at the forefront.

I think that a big portion of this change is in fact due to love. I know that doesn't bode well for my viewpoint of love, but let me explain. 99% of my relationships in the past have been marked by unrealistic expectations and disappointments brought on by the failure to mirror the cinematic picture of romance in my heart. Each one that came along was based on a fantasy of what would happen when I found love...but never based on love itself. The last fiasco ended during a season of loss in my life. I had lost one of my closest friends, and was left to live alone because of the fallout of our friendship. I lost many of my friends to the separation that comes after college and grown up decisions like moving for jobs or getting married. I lost my brother to Colorado. I lost my home with my spiritual parents where I was safe and happy for probably the first time in years. So in the midst of all this, my heart sought comfort in anyway it could. I chose not to give myself permission to grieve the changes of seasons, and in an essence set myself up to be exposed to unhealthy options for comfort. The relationship was short-lived, but scarred my heart in ways I did not think possible. It caused me to question my faith, my value, and anything I had to offer to others. I stood there, knowing that I had to continue in the daily requirements of my life as if I was still invincible; wondering if the shattered pieces of heart were visible to rest of the world.

I am still amazed in God's timing. He allowed me time to lick my wounds and attempt to camouflage my pain from others before He stepped in to rescue me from myself. His hand wrapped around my heart just as I was about to trash the pieces forever, and slowly began to breathe restoration over them. It began with a trip to Colorado with a friend, where I discovered that God still loved my heart, and wanted so desperately for me to know that I had captivated His attention forever. I came away from that time with Him as if I had just discovered this thing called Grace. I was so excited to share this experience with a new friend I had made weeks before, and this very conversation sparked an interest between us that was slowly starting to catch fire. Tangibly, I saw what it looked like to be pursued. But more importantly, I saw that my heart was worth pursuing and worth protecting. Jason never once complained about the fact that he had to push through all the scar tissue from others' woundings to reach to heart that he was falling in love with as each day passed. Love was restoring and love was making me step out of childish beliefs that no longer served their purposes. My childish beliefs had helped foster dreams and hopes when I was young, but the longer I held onto to them, the less room I had to receive the Truth about who I was in my heart. Love set me free, and freedom allows me to turn around and love my Father and others with reckless abandon. I don't miss the past, for I have celebrated the victories and grieved the losses and can now release it to be archived and no longer relived on a daily basis. It can now fade away and be just the Past.

I got my fairytale after all. After a year of our hearts growing together, Jason and I are getting married next March. New dreams now blossom, and new adventures await. It is time to move forward... I am officially a grown up now.

"She was patient…awaiting her turn.  For in her heart, she knew it must come."

It is interesting to me how surprised I am when the things that I have hoped for come to pass.  There was a season of my life where I begged God to save me, to change my circumstances, to rescue me from snares that I had chosen to step in.  I remember thinking that freedom would never come, that I was destined to live out this miserable hysterical cacophony as punishment for not paying attention earlier in the journey.  But then it just happens.  I look up, and everything has changed.  Not only my circumstances and the scenery of the journey, but my heart has endured a metamorphosis that I was unaware even was in process.  God has a way of listening to my heart, to my ranting, to my tears of joy as well as pain, and then spinning a breathtaking story of redemption and restoration where all I saw was frustration and impossibility. 

I was in Colorado last month, and if you know me at all, you will not be surprised that one of the places I spent the most time was a tiny hole-in-the-wall coffee shop with my journal and eternal refills of deliciousness.  The shop had a balcony that was hidden away on the back side, a spot that everyone else seemed to forget even existed.  The chairs all faced the mountains, and there, in its entire splendor shined Pike's Peak.  I sat for what seemed like hours just breathing in the glorious majesty of the sun rising over the mountains, listening to their song that told a story of adventure and joy beyond our wildest dreams.  As I flipped through the pages of my worn journal, my attention was drawn to several entries from last October.  I actually had been in Colorado at the time, and had found a similar chair on a porch of a similar coffee shop where I spent several hours pouring my heart out to the Lord, having a very genuine and real conversation with Him.  And in a moment, I was overwhelmed by the goodness of my Father.  I read page after page where, for the first time in my life, I was brave enough to risk exposing the longings of my heart to the Lord in multiple areas of my life.  I wrote about pain, about brokenness, about fear, and about the dreams that danced across my heart when I was quiet.  Dreams of making a difference, of touching the lives of others, of offering peace in exchange for chaos.  I can honestly say that I spent the rest of my time up there this last month just completely in awe of God and His faithfulness.  Each area had in some way been touched within the last six months.  God has brought me into a season of transition in every area of my life and asked that I be brave enough to dance with Him despite the surrounding distractions.  And I have to laugh, because that is what we have been doing…just dancing for the last six months.  I stop to look and realize that everything is different, but the biggest change is within my heart.  My heart is different.  My heart is stronger, and beating with purpose and passion that I thought were reserved for only an elite few.  I think of all the other things that God has promised me, and I now have a renewed sense of excitement and anticipation, of Hope, because He is still working, and still moving and still transforming hearts.  My prayer is that my eyes would be open enough to see that transformation along the way.  May Hope continue to dance across my heart forever.

Currently Watching Gilmore Girls - The Complete Sixth Season By Gilmore Girls see related

Pensiveness

I have missed you all.  It feels as if an entire lifetime has passed since I was last on here to update.  The last few months have been ones of great and massive transition, marked by moments bursting with great joy and excitement, as well as times where the heaviness threatens to drown the life out of me.  Since it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I updated on here, I probably need to fill in the gigantic holes in my saga of a life. 

            After much turmoil and many nights ending with tears and yelling, my roommate finally decided to move out around Christmas.  Some days my life’s biggest regret was the decision to move in with her, even though I can now see God’s hand all over that time.  In essence, by September, I was living in our three bedroom house alone with our dog, and wondering what I had done to lose one of my dearest friends. The conflict in our relationship continued until the end of our lease when all our associations ended.  She ended up marrying the man that led her back into a self-destructive lifestyle full of alcohol and drugs and away from all the things that she at one point had held so dear.  My heart still breaks over the situation, and over the loss of not only my relationship with her but for the destruction and brokenness that she now knows as normal life.  I pray daily that God will continue to call her heart, for I have made the conscious decision to release her to His keeping.  I trust Him, and know that He will continue to pursue her no matter what it takes to soften her heart and bring her to a place of restoration.  I am believing and standing on faith for this. 

            Looking back it is evident to me that God’s heart has been to bring restoration in the midst of brokenness in my own life as well.  The summer marked the end of an extremely unhealthy season of relationships for me, ones characterized with pain and heartache and desperate cries for someone to just envelope me with love.  In His infinite mercy and grace, the Lord orchestrated His own miraculous rescue mission, captivating my heart once again with His ruthless love and faithfulness.  Once free from the bondage of those relationships, God began a healing work that He is still unfolding today.  I fell into His arms and experienced love beyond all measure as God revealed an entirely new facet of our relationship and His heart for me. 

            One of the most incredible and surprising ways that God decided to stretch and tenderize my heart was through Jason.  Through a random twist that only the Lord could orchestrate, Jason and I met and began talking.  He had attended DBU back when I did, and what started off as two alumni swapping war stories of our freshmen days and boring chapels and fire drills in the snow, slowly transformed into something well beyond anything I had anticipated.  November 17^th is the day that we now look back and mark as the official beginning of our relationship, putting us now at close to six months together.  Honestly, I have never really felt ready to be a girlfriend in any of my past relationships.  The idea of having to trust someone with my heart was scary beyond all reason, and the risk of being back in that place of picking up pieces of my bruised heart off the floor was not really a concept that made me jump for joy.  Unfortunately, Jason has had to deal with the repercussions of my past relationships, but he sees my heart as something worth the effort, and has faithfully pushed through all my walls of hurt and pain in pursuit of the woman that I am becoming.  There are so many times I have looked back at the men that came before Jason and my heart cries over the regret of time and effort and what I considered to be such a waste of my heart.  All those moments that my heart was not prized as something precious and worth fighting for and wasn't seen as a thing of captivating beauty.  But honestly, if I had to do it over again, I don't know that I would change it.  One of my favorite songs says "I didn't have a clue where I was goin', I had no way of knowin' that I was on my way to you. There were things I didn't understand and I didn't see the plan but now I do. There were no mistakes and no bad moves. No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through on my way to you." Every time I begin that process of beating myself up about the past and thinking about it being such a waste, I think about how God, in His infinite mercy and passionate love for me used EVERY single one of those bruises on my heart to shape me into the woman I am today as I was on my way to Him.  There is no waste, for my God transformed my ashes into beauty, and that is what I now can offer to Jason.  Not the brokenness, not the sorrow, not the regret, but the redeemed and restored beauty of who I am Christ.  

Jason has fought for me, protected me, been my covering, provided love and laughter and comfort to me, and desires to do this forever.  I look at our relationship and am completely overwhelmed with God’s goodness.  He gave me a relationship at a time where there was no way that I would ever be able to say I had earned it or deserved it for good behavior.  Jason and his love has been a gift from the beginning, one without strings or conditions, one where he has been willing to put his heart on the line repeatedly just to demonstrate his love for me.  He has become the tangible expression to me of what it looks like when God has pursued my heart.  Our relationship has caused me to walk in a deeper understanding of what it means for me to be a woman of God, one that embodies His beauty and grace, and embrace my femininity in a whole new way.

I have moved this last week into a new home.  One of my dearest friends offered her spare room to me while I get myself back on my feet again. And so begins a new chapter in this season, marked by a new home, with new friends, and a new church and transition happening every where I turn.  But this I know for sure and I therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end.  They are new morning, great is thy faithfulness Oh Lord!!!!

Currently Listening Living For You By Gateway Worship see related

I know that it has been a very long while since I wrote anything on here.  I must confess that the current season that the Lord is leading me through has been at times extremely overwhelming, but has been full of wonderfulness as well.  What a random dichotomy life can be!  I find myself looking with expectation, knowing that God is actively moving and stirring my heart for something of significance yet to be uncovered.  This weekend He brought me back to a newsletter I wrote about a year ago, and through services and conversations over the weekend reinforced the truth of what it means to seek Him for His guidance.  Just thought I would share, and hopefully it serves as a graceful reminder of His passionate love for our hearts. Blessings my friends!

David is one of my favorite characters in the Bible. His walk with the Lord displays such intimacy and honesty, and paints a beautiful picture of what an authentic relationship with the Lord can look like.  He was a man who was aware of his standing in the eyes of God, and the enemy hated it.  He was spiritually and physically attacked countless times throughout his life, but through it all, he stood firm on the truth of God’s character, even when it felt like God had abandoned him to his enemies. 

2 Samuel 5:17-25 chronicles a portion of David’s war against the Philistines.  In verse 17, the Bible says, “When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king of Israel, they mobilized all their forces to capture him”.  When we begin to step into the freedom and destiny that God has for us, the enemy comes. And when he does, it isn’t in a pussyfooted sort of way; it is an all out 150% attack where he seeks us out with destruction as his goal.  He does so with vengeance, hatred, and loathing of who we are and what we stand for as Christ-followers.  David’s reaction in verses 17 and 18 shows us that there is no need for us to fear our enemy.  David went into his stronghold and asked the Lord for a battle plan for the presenting attack.

David displayed a confidence in God as his Protector and Defender and a boldness that came out of a genuine security in his relationship with the Lord.  There is no mention of David approaching God with fear or dread and in response, God faithfully provided David with a counterattack that led to triumphant victory.  But the story continues with verse 22 where the Philistines returned again, hell-bent on trampling the kingdom that God was establishing through the line of David.  Our enemy is relentless and will not abandon his mission just because he loses one fight.  It is a guarantee that the enemy will continue to initiate warfare until the end of time when God puts an end to the enemy’s power once and for all.  This is not an indication that God has abandoned us or forgotten His promise of freedom, but only emphasizes that our hearts are worth fighting for!  David’s response is not one of defeat, but one of tenacity.  Again, he boldly approaches his General and asks the Lord for a battle plan.  The thing that strikes me is that David seeks out the Lord’s heart for a fresh word instead of just responding on what worked the previous time.  How often have we become habitual in our approach to dealing with the enemy? There are certain truths about warfare that will never change, but that does not remove the essential element of seeking out the leading of the Spirit with each encounter.  In David’s case, God had a different plan for the next wave of attack, and went before David to defeat the Philistines.  God does not intend for us to fight alone, but goes before us into battle, fully equipping us for the fight and engaging in the combat on our behalf.  

Where is the first place that you turn when you sense a battle is coming?  Are you tempted to agree with the lies that the enemy shoots at you, or do you choose to stand on the truth of God’s Word? Do you allow the attack to push you into isolation and hiding, or do you immediately turn to the One who has the plans for every battle you face? 

The enemy is powerless when faced with the truth of God’s Word.  We have not been called to cower in fear of the enemy, but to take authority as children of the King and stand on the truth of who we are in Christ. Jesus said in Luke 10:19 that He “has given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.”  I pray continually that when the enemy comes against you in full force to rob you of the new name that God has given you, you will have the courage and boldness to follow in David’s example and stand upon the truth of God’s Word.  Allow those times to be an opportunity for you to press deeper into the heart of your Savior, and to stand boldly for your freedom.  Your heart is worth fighting for!!

It clicked last night.  I am not sure why it took so long, or why it was so difficult for me to see the truth, but last night it finally registered with me.  I had a wonderful quiet time a few days ago, a moment frozen in time where the craziness and clamor was silenced and God whispered His Truth to my heart.  He led me through specific passages in Isaiah that described the journey I have been on over the last few months, and it was amazing to see that through all the ups and downs, God's character remained faithful and His heart bent on pursuing his Bride.  Gently He reminded me that nothing has changed, that He is still actively engaged in the pursuit of our hearts as His beloved.  

I once heard a speaker describe how she asked God to tell her one of the names that He called her, and the way in which it truly revealed the depth of God's love for her.  This has been one of the most intimate ways that God has spoken to me over the last 6 months, revealing different ways that He sees me, and different desires He has for the woman that I will become.  Although there are several special names that He has given me, the other night the one that jumped off the pages of the passage I was reading was from Isaiah 62...and she shall be called Sought After.  Over the last few months I have begun to answer to it willingly, longing to truly grow into a captivating creation that reflects His glory.  But one of the things that he started to speak to my heart was He is not the only one that seeks me out.  There is an active and aggressive enemy that desires to pursue me as well.  The enemy would love nothing more than to take the very thing that is precious between me and the Lord and tarnish it, turning the treasure into repulsive reminders of shame and guilt. 

I have ended a very unhealthy relationship as a result of the Lord slowly opening my eyes to what is true.  I think the interesting thing is that no matter how many people encouraged/ordered/argued/begged me to walk away, I couldn't do it until I could say I was doing it for myself and not for them.  I have to believe that God's desire is for my heart to be at peace wherever He places me, and that was not the case here. For those of you who have been hit by the tidal wave of emotion and confusion in my world the last few months, I greatly apologize and ask that you forgive me.  And for those of you who I have avoided because I was too ashamed to face you, I am so sorry.  Please forgive me and my foolishness in thinking I could handle this alone.   

So I stand today, a bit more bruised than before, but I stand nonetheless on the promises of God's Word and the Truth of who He is and His heart towards me.  His strength is perfect, and that is what matters.  He will take this tarnished canvas and create beauty out of brokenness.  Because I am Sought After by my Lord.