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glasscrasssmash
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Name: Liz
Country: United States
State: Oklahoma
Metro: Tulsa
Birthday: 7/16/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: classical music, enjoying creation, U2, modern art, greek food, languages
Expertise: pessimism (i am fortune's fool), my made up game of guess-the-composer, languages, navigation, wanting things i can't have, falling in love easily.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  glasscrasssmash
Member Since:
11/4/2002
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| haha. a student of mine made fun of me for having xanga. for that reason i just HAD to update. | | |
| I'm ready for the pain to pass. I'm trying to find the balance between dwelling on it and shutting it out completely. I'm ready to be able to think clearly. I wonder when that will happen. I wish I didn't live alone here in this apartment. Breaking up in the dorms was so much easier: I had a roommate around all the time and I didn't have any significant memories with the other person in the dorm. But this apartment...I feel like I'll die if i have to stay alone in here. To my friends who are reading this: I need your help. Please help me stay strong. Please help me stay focused.
I find myself completely unable to think clearly. We ended this relationship so that I could go fulfill my dream of seeing the world. I thought that once we parted ways I'd feel freedom, a renewed passion. Instead I feel the complete opposite. I find that I no longer want to do any of the things that had been the cause of our break. None of them matter to me now. And this is what I feared, an absurd duality where I am never satisfied with one side: once I have the one, I long more for the other and vice versa, on and on and on and on.
That's why I'm ready for the pain to pass, I suppose. I'm curious about whether these feelings are valid. Would I REALLY surrender my dreams for him the way I'm ready to do now, or is this just temporary because the void he left hasn't been filled yet? This will take some getting-used-to.
It has been years since I've had to end a relationship with someone I was really attached to. I do not miss this feeling. I had told myself for so long that I'd never have to be in another relationship again because I thought that this was it. I really thought that this was it. (Just read down a few blogs.) I guess I didn't realize that certainty plays such tricky games.
I suppose that it is not the worst, however. He and I are still in contact (I've been told this will make things worse) and our split is an explorational --- so that we can see, while separate, whether or not we should really be together. It's much more difficult to make that decision when you ARE together. This was the healthiest thing. We were having too many difficulties. and you know, the difficulties were not even relational! The relationship itself, in my opinion, was fantastic. He has been my best friend for a long time. There is nothing easy about this.
I find myself thinking, "I can't wait to go back to the old Liz." I've had conversations recently however in which people have told me that I shouldn't go back to the "old Liz." Honestly I don't even know if I can find old Liz. I feel so different from that person. Last night I did some things that old Liz would have done, like sneaking into Hammons Field in the middle of the night and running across, or climbing up to the rooves of downtown buildings. But I don't know if I can regain the passion for life that I once had. I mean, last night we watched people toss around flaming sticks and ropes to the beat of twenty djembes right in the middle of downtown Springfield and I didn't even care. Before, this would have been some HUGE, crazy experience that I would have been so wowed by and I'd have felt so fortunate to have gotten the chance to experience it. But now? Eh, I mean, whatever, it happened. It was funny, weird, and unusual. But nothing else. (By the way, I don't think I felt such indifference because of my current despondency. I've noticed this trend for months lately.) So I don't know if there is any getting old Liz back. I kinda tried to lose her three summers ago in the name of "growing up," and I regret that, but isn't there a time where we all have to grow up a little? When I think about going back to old Liz, what that means to me is having an overwhelming sense of abandonment to anything and everything around me, recognizing its beauty now while I can and knowing that I'll soon leave everything and everyone I know for a foreign place with foreign faces. I want to be that person again. I don't know if it's possible. And I don't know whether I SHOULD be that person again. I don't know who to be. I guess I am who I am, and current Liz wants to have her best friend back.
I guess blogs are supposed to have supercool zinger endings, but I don't think that there's anything supercool about this situation. I'm ready for clarity of mind. That's really all I can hope for. | | |
| i'm not really writing this for anyone but myself, so...
anyway. so i haven't really "gone" to church in about 3 years. i've visited places, you know: when i go back home to see my family over a weekend i will go to church with them, and the other weekend i visited jonathan and went to his church, but i haven't really gone anywhere in springfield, you know, by choice.
recently i heard some crazy stuff about the church i used to attend here in town. a lot of awful things happened to them because of greed and politics. their community is still trying to survive through it. i was so moved by the information that i heard that i determined myself to start going there again. i wanted to show my support.
it was a few weeks ago when i heard everything, but today i finally decided to go. it was definitely weird getting up on a sunday morning and heading to some big gathering. that's not at all what i'm used to. i remember how i used to be so against that idea; actually, i was against most of the ideas of traditional church structure. that's why i hadn't gone in so long.
when i got there i noticed that the parking lot was shockingly emptier than it used to be back in its "glory days" i guess you could call them, back when i used to go there. however, i was really surprised when i walked into the main sanctuary area. things were drastically rearranged: instead of rows of chairs facing the front where the pastor would give his presentation, there were about twenty small round tables set up around the room with chairs for about 5 or six at each. at the back of the room there were long tables full of food and drinks (panera bagels, coffee, and orange juice this week). when i put it all together i noticed that everyone was eating together at these tables and enjoying each other's company. i remember thinking, 'wow. this is church?'
i think the eating and talking went on for a good twenty or so minutes, then the pastor that i so lovingly remember appeared and started to welcome everyone, spending time at tables, then he proceeded to address us all. he talked about a few things going on in his life, then he encouraged us to continue eating and drinking for even LONGER, getting to know each other and so on. after a while longer, some people started to play music at the front and the talking quieted down. i asked the girl next to me if this was what worship was, you know, if everyone just stayed seated at these round tables and could stand up whenever they wanted to. "yep," she said, "but usually everyone ends up standing eventually." wow. no pressure to stand and join the group? no cattle calls?
after worship the pastor asked us to talk about some very real things with the people at our table. we were supposed to come clean about where we are with God, where we are in our relationships with others, and what we crave. he gave us a few minutes to discuss. it was refreshing to be honest about these things with strangers. they're also very important things to be honest about.
all of these things had shocked me and attracted me to the point that i knew i'd be back next week. but the sermon started and i was even more amazed. i shouldn't have been too surprised though; it was the same reliable, challenging, understandable, and "real" sort of teaching that i was so used to hearing from who they call "pastor paul." (i'd rather just call him paul.) at the end the band played another song. typical, right? a final "ending song" to wrap the whole thing up, get everyone hyped for the rest of the week (which never really happens anyway)? nope. it was quiet and soft; paul encouraged us all to just stay seated and to listen, to pay attention, to breathe God in: we are in his presence and he is in ours. what an ending.
i hate to admit that i was "impressed" by a church. i kind of think that's ridiculous. churches don't exist to impress. we shouldn't expect to be impressed. but i think there's something to be said for this experience that i had. i haven't gone to church in so long because i've felt that the church structure is highly ineffective. i mean, we REALLY need to rethink our methods if we want to get anything done. i believe that God wants to do some radically drastic reform in the way we do things. so far, i haven't been able to find anything that comes close to what i think He is looking for, so i haven't participated in anything. however, to come into something today that was so nontraditional, so focused on community, and so focused on God... it was refreshing. my soul seems to be cleansed. i feel new already. i think God was really able to do something in me. and i think he wants me to go back there. i think we have missed each other. | | |
| perhaps life is too short to NOT think intensely, to really consider actions and decisions, to make sure you're doing the right thing, to avoid resentfulness because of bad choices.
"You only live this life once, and despite what some people think, God wants you to squeeze the absolute marrow out of life."
"After all, it's is a very big burden to be a thinking person, but it's nothing compared to the nightmare of being someone who buys into the bogus bullshit of mainstream pop culture. Super sweet 16? Ugh."
(quotes from one of the best breathing beings: jonathan griffin) | | |
| tonight i went to a bible study and i guess that was okay. i was scared they were going to do some deal about "you should break up with your boyfriend" or "overseas missions are extra good and awesome." you know, the things that i hate to confront most. i guess that is why God insists on shoving them in my face at every opportune moment. i was certain that tonight would be one of those times, you know, where i FINALLY decide to open myself up to a churchy event and then they hit me with something ridiculous like that. but they didn't. it was about worship music. eh, whatever.
then i talked to dana for a long time. we drove around springfield, took familiar routes, country roads, etc. we talked about how ambitions are frightening. she told me about a series of unfortunate events (if you will) that "my" old church underwent very recently. ironically, this increased my support for that church all the more, and i'm very anxiously awaiting this upcoming sunday so that i can attend, showing how much i am behind them 100%. oh, scandals. things keep popping up around here, situations that remind me of the messes paul (the apostle) must have heard about which worried/angered him to the point of writing a letter. i wonder what he'd say to the situations i see now. someone should write a book, pretending they are paul, and fill it with letters he'd have written to the churches that succeeded his existence. he'd be pretty upset.
dana prayed for me tonight just before we watched the office (the episode abotu the christmas party). i rambled on for quite some time about a great deal of confusion which has been plaguing me lately and she prayed for clarity and wisdom. that was nice. i don't know the last time someone just came out and prayed for me like that. i was very thankful. i am still very thankful.
there are times when a small little something deep in my chest tells me to go ahead and accept the fact that aaron and i will break up eventually. little does that voice know that its persistence only drives me to insist on the opposite of its prediction. i'm so tired of being .... ugh.
does anyone want to trade lives with me? have you been waiting to dream things beyond your imagination's capacity? do you long to be told constantly that you will do great things in this world? have you been waiting to make a difference? are you ready to leap out of the mundane into a frightening adventure? have you ever longed to travel? don't you desire to leave it all behind and start over? don't you wish God had some amazing, mind-blowingly exciting plans for your life that are specific and special, plans that will take you many places and help many people? are you ready to surrender everything for them? are you ready to forfeit every romantic attachment you've ever dreamt of having in order to pursue the dream? don't you want to break up with people you've been desperately in love with just to jump into an unknown void where nothing is clear and you have no idea where you're going or why you left it all behind but are full of resentment, anger, and fatigue? don't you just want to LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND YOU, including comfort, a loving boyfriend, your family, everything you treasured? oh, you think you'll find something you treasure more, but no one bothers to tell you what it's going to be.
doesn't someone want to trade lives with me? | | |
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