As much as I love being away from Jewell...I could care less. The sound of going home for the first time sounded..not bad. But, I don't especially want to be here. But, whatever. No classes, right?

    First, we stayed at Dad's house for a night and day. I like Dad's house. It's so laid-back. And I like my room there. I really wanted to play my guitar and ride my bike...but, alas, things do not always go the way one wishes. For some reason, I wanted to try on one of my old dresses, too. Go figure. But, it's pretty.
  
  Then, we came to Mom's house last night. I kinda forgot how...different she is. And how she judges me. She really doesn't judge me all that much. But, just enough, undetected by others...even undetected by herself, she does. What a shame. It's hard to get away in this house...other than late at night. Then, I can be by myself, at least.
    
 Thanksgiving celebrations were nice. We went to a friends' house...good fun. I played the Wii for the first time.

    A true shame is that my permit expires tomorrow. That damn thing. I could have driven today. But no one ever thinks about me driving. Nope. It's never me. Never. So, tomorrow, I cannot drive. I want to go to some places where I have gift cards so I can get some needed things. And damn. I wish my bike was over HERE. Then, not only could I ride it, I could get away, and do these things by myself! But, I guess that's my luck.
    Hell, I could ride my scooter around....ha. Or not... I haven't touched that in years... I don't think my mother would actually let me. Not that I really care...but for some reason, I don't see myself disobeying her wishes of me not going. Wow, I am rambling. Awesome.

   But anyway, I forgot how hard my bed was here. And how claustrophobic it is. And how I have a totally different sleep schedule than the rest of my family and I get looked down upon for it. It's the best thing ever.


    Ok, I have a question.
 Have you ever felt like you were caught in a marriage that you were not ready for? Not literally...
But, have you dated someone for so long that you realize that you haven't seen as much of the world as you would like?
That you feel tied down....? That, perhaps, your schedules don't match up, which in the end, just causes bitterness?

You may love your "person", and you might not even want to see them with anyone else,
(and hell, maybe you might want to be with them forever, but you don't truly know yet because you haven't had any experience elsewhere) 
---but you don't think that you can just wait around on this never-ending train forever?
If you have, or if you were in that situation, what would you do? Just talk about how you feel...then what?
I want to know. Okay? Thanks =P

I need to get back on a good sleep schedule again. I keep straying from healthy habits =\.

Lunch was the suck today. I'm going to regret not eating much.

I keep getting songs stuck in my head, but I listen to music all the time. ...Almost all day, it seems.
Last night I got one song in particular in my head for hours. And I didn't know all the lyrics. I finally looked them up.
"I love the way you tug on top of me" --> Charming, right?

I don't want to go to work today. Really. It's a great job. Theatre Tech. But, I just don't want to today. But, I don't know what I feel like doing. Mainly, just wasting time. That sounds pretty good. It's just like this post. I don't have anything in particular I feel like writing about, yet I just feel like I need to write. And I do.

I wrote a poem the other day. I keep sketching. I can't stop listening to music. I'm having problems staying focused. It's weird that even though my sleeping is all off, I've managed to stay awake in Responsible Self this week, which, for me, is incredible. I haven't even nodded off. It's an accomplishment.

What's odd is, that even though I can't stay focused, I really am staying focused. ...I can't explain it. It doesn't even make sense. But, it's true.

But hey, my mind is trapped on the other side of the window....

...Maybe I should take some time just to listen to what's around me...

I just walked from my dorm to where I am now,  through the dark and silence with a succulent pear in hand. That's all. Now that I am alone and in peace, I feel the need to write about my thoughts.

Last night I was thinking about my grandmother again. Memories were just flowing through my head. I thought about how I miss her and how I won't get to see her at Christmas,or any other holiday, for that matter. Then I started wondering about grandpa; I wondered (and still do) if he is okay; how he has been since she passed away. I hope that people visit him. I have never been too close to my grandfather, but it's kind of hard to just start now....
And from there, I thought about my dad and how he could have died a few weeks ago. If it had not been for the person he was with at the time, he would not still be here. Then my thoughts went back to my mother. I thought about how lonely she must be in comparison with last year.
It makes me so upset that the phone line in my room has not been fixed. I can't call my mother to give her company. I can't call any of my family to see how things are. I can't call my friends to keep up. It's so hard (and nearly, if not impossible) to get a hold of the people who have always been there for me.... One of my friends has a beautiful baby (almost 1 year old!) boy and a man off in the military, and I can't get in touch with her.

This might sound kind of silly, maybe a little melodramatic.... But where am I to find a phone I feel comfortable using at 1 in the morning or any odd hour that I need one? Once again, I feel like I'm being dramatic. But seriously, just fix my phone and I wouldn't be ranting.

Some memories that keep popping up, plus a few:

-Getting pumpkins and carving them on the patio
-Strawberry Picking
-Enjoying the fruit from the trees in the backyard
-Marigolds
-Making pizza and other things from scratch
-Lunch and Dinner at the same time each day, fully planned out with Cantelope on the side
-"Helping" in the Bearcat Library...and going to the top floor to find the Hidden Snake book
-Playing card games with tobacco-scented playing cards
-Feeding the Goldfish
-Catching Fireflies...especially with the older cousins...
-Fourth of July at Aunt Judy's house...after a big rain...

I learned so many things with my grandma. She always taught us so much. Random facts and crafts and all those other cool things the best grandmothers in the world do.
She always cared about how I was doing and believed in me when it felt like no one else would.
I could go on...forever.... But I think I have reached my stopping point, for now.

I don't imagine I'll ever stop posting about her from time to time. So much of her is within me, how can I not?