I've been thinking about why we keep secrets lately. I don't mean the "I like him but don't tell!" kind of secrets. I mean the "I slept with my boyfriend" or "my brother is in prison" kind of secrets. Why aren't we more honest? Why are we so ashamed of our mistakes? Or even the mistakes of others?

Maybe more later. I want to think about this some more.

ahh babies!

For the past hour, I've been reading about human development for my pyschology class. It's mostly about babies so far, with unnatural, bordering on creepy looking children making weird faces. It's a really interesting section-so far I've read about language formation and sight and parenting strategies and attachment theories.

As I'm reading this,  I'm struck by how much I want children. Reading about the attachment that babies feel towards their parents (particularly mothers) and the effect that being loved on and snuggled and talked to has on a child makes me want to have a baby really, really badly. I want to be responsible for another human life like that. I want to raise a child right, to teach them right from wrong and bandage up their scrapes and say prayers with them before bedtime. I want to rock my baby to sleep and know that they're warm and comfortable and safe. I want to know the selfless love that I'm pretty sure only comes with having a child.

I know that I won't be in the position to have a child for close to another decade, and I suppose I won't be ready for a while either. I need to have money set aside and a house and to have had the chance to work and be on my own. And a husband would probably be helpful too. I'm not looking to have children soon-the idea of actually giving birth to a baby right now is terrifying, because I know that I still have some growing up to do and there is no way that I could raise a child the way I want to at this point in my life. But still, the desire is there, and I can hardly wait until I'm at that point in my life!

Serve

I want to serve God more fully. I get frustrated most of the time because it seems that my opportunities as an 18 year old girl barely over 5 foot with no incredible skills or impressive talents are very limited. There's only so much physical stuff I can do, which has been proven again and again at UMARMY, and I'm scared to put myself in situations that might be dangerous. (I know that God will protect me, but I've been hearing for my entire life about playing it safe and watching out for bad guys that it's really hard to forget all that.) 

There are a few service programs around campus. I view myself as more of a go accomplish something in the community-build something, work somewhere, serve someone-kind of person, and I'm feeling like those events come few and far between. I registered to be part of a Habitat for Humanity program at the beginning of the year, but I have yet to hear from them. There's a food bank nearby that I really like working at. I think I'll try and go there more often.

Lately I've been feeling as though I haven't been putting my faith into practice as much as I should. I don't mean in my life- I think lead a fairly respectable life, and I try to live up to the standards Christ set. I've been trying to reach out to those around me and to show everyone I meet how much God loves us all. But I'm missing the action part of it all. The doing things part. I want to go build a house or cook a homeless person a meal.

Faith without works is dead, right? I need an outreach program that involves more than the girls that I live with and the people in my classes. I'm determined to find one. Something more than just words-something with tangible results, that will make a physical impact on someone's life.

I got to sleep in this morning, till like 11. My roomie is already gone for the weekend so I have the whole room to myself. I just got out of the shower and feel clean and refreshed and ready for today. I sat down to have my quiet time and got a little introspective. It's weird, because I think that I've learned so much the past 2 months. Maybe even more than my whole senior year.

Over the past week or so, God has answered my prayers like crazy. I was upset and ungrateful and kind of a brat towards Him. I kept complaining and whining and feeling sorry for myself. My quiet times were so-so, nothing phenomenal. I'd been memorizing Colossians, probably the best interaction I was having with God, but I'd lost my passion for it a little and it was seeming more and more like a chore.

Then something happened. I made myself vunerable (word of 2008, right Claire?) and it was the best thing that i ever could have done. I stopped trying to do it all on my own. And then, God came and He filled me. I found not one, but TWO different ministries to be involved in within like 5 days of each other, one that I'd given up hope on a few weeks ago. When I opened my Bible, it didn't feel like a chore. It felt real. God is alive and He's been revealing Himself to me like crazy. I've been trying to hard to pray without ceasing. I just feel so full, so ready to pour into someone else! I want to serve my God and He's finally giving me ways to do it!

Things aren't perfect here. I'm still a little homesick and I really do miss my fam and my bffs. But right now, I know I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be serving the Lord in Belton at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor.

Amen.

Better

Life is a lot better now. I have friends, real ones, and we talk about real things. No church home yet, but I've got it narrowed down to a few that I liked. I know God will put me where I need to be. I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel like I still haven't really gotten plugged in. Maybe I'm not making the most of my college experience because I'm not crazy invovled. I really need a ministry, and I haven't found one yet. That will come though, I'm sure of it.

I'm having one of those afternoons where I feel like crying at everything. Not because I'm upset, I think its just because I'm tired and sick. Its a good day though. I can feel it.

I miss everyone. I love that I have new friends and yet still feel connected to all the wonderful people I know from home. I spend at least an hour on the phone every night, and despite the fact that I went wayyy over our cell phone minutes last month, its one of my favorite parts of the day. I go walk around outside and look at the stars and the moon and enjoy how beautiful the Lord is. He keeps providing and keeping me close and loving me. I found this nice little hiding place and so I started studying there and making phone calls. I think tonight I might take my Bible out there.

I finally finished the blanket I was knitting, so I started another one. I have nothing to do with everything I'm making, so if any of you want a very plain blanket buy enough yarn and I would love to make you one. I've taught my roomie and a few other girls and so now sometimes we sit and watch Grey's Anatomy and knit. I laugh at us a lot.

I think I might get an on campus job. We'll see. I'm torn between loving that I don't do anything most of the time and feeling useless/wanting to make a little extra money. Also, I rediscovered my love for country music. I listen to it constantly. Ryan and I tried going twostepping Saturday night. We were a little less than successful, but it was really fun anyway!

I'm so excited for the future. I love thinking about being a social worker and helping. My social work class is one of my favorites because I know its going to really apply to my life. I can hardly wait to see where I'll be in a year or two or by the time I graduate. Its not scary, just exciting.

Ryan and I are going to A&M again this weekend, and I'm picking up Sarah and bringing her back here. I keep telling everyone how amazing my little sister is and I can't wait for her to meet all of them.

I love that most of my relationships are focused on the Lord. Most people I meet are Christians and its so wonderful to hear everyones testimonies and find out what God is doing in their lives. I love praying with people almost as much as I love talking to God on my own! He's perfect, and I want all of my relationships to reflect His love.

Life is good. So is God. I made the right decision in going here. I'm happy and satisfied.