seconds ago i got off my uncomfortable futon and cleared my makeshift desk made of 2 filing cabinets, brushed the untouched textbooks aside, and booted up my comp with nervously clicky fingers. I sit in front of my makeshift desk, in my makeshift office/bedroom/loft tapping my foot while the windows screen loads anxious to get these thoughts out of my head and onto notepad. Im in the middle of my jerry mcguire moment where the TV that i had just left to go outside was still on pause and leaving me at the crossroad of enduldging in a newly purchased DVD .. or actually do something constructive and get my version of a mission statement off. jerry (not that whacked out scientologist) but jerry wouldve called it not a memo, ill call it the BUSINESS PLAN but the business isnt the monetary type but the business of life ..excluding the american express commercial taste of the line. rollercoastin it out: moments ago, i was outside having a stoge in my white t with the hidden blue sail boat, oversized basketball shorts, semi-cold out on my front door steps in green brook freakin new jersey.. no one home but a gingerale in the fridge and stacks of mail/certified letters/solicitation ads/car magazines etc looking out at the sky .. thinking, pacing back and forth from the front steps to the driveway and back thinking about where i am, where im supposed to be, what im expected to do, my expectations of myself .. basically doing the analytical thing. Everything prequel to where i am right now fastforwards through my mind all before i hit the half way mark on my stoge. All this leads me to a recoup of a memory a couple months back faintly resembling the following: Dana Library comp lab, rutgers newark .. the road to graduation powerpoint on screen. In my billion years and billion classes and billion printouts of my academic audit later.. i find my quasi-jumbled curriculum in front of my face and realize these classes leave me close to some special qualification certification type ordeal that is outdated by current competive standards. Nonetheless, it leads me to glimpses of a newfound general career idea, although just a glimpse and not clear .. i find a way to relate what i like to do .. to what possible companies might not realize that they want me to do. One might say i came up with a directive goal but i like to call it that i came up with THE PITCH. reminded by the pitch, the due process'erization i had going on leads me to remember that i had plans . that i have plans . and need to get those plans planned, executed, and have a shredder standing by when i finish the plan and get my rainman on and make some new and better plans. Thinking about plans sometimes can get me kinda phased .. because i hadnt come up with a better plan, a bigger plan. I tend to settle and convince others to settle for the sake of being the realistic one. I pitch the tangible and what can fit in your pockets by the end of business tommorrow while in the background we work on getting you someone to sew you a bigger pocket for the payout youll be eligible for because you did your lightwork. The problem lies within .. where you grind on the regular and the next thing you know that lightwork becomes pretty bright .. and you forget you have your johnny drama shades in the van to see past the light that in the background .. that you have your guy that you put in motion .. almost done sewing the big daddy pockets. Looking up in the sky as a plane passes throught the mid-night, I realize i live off of 78 west which means had that plane come from california or the like, that plane would be passing my house on its way to newark or JFK or laguardia. Its not enough to wish i was on that plane, but that id one day be on that plane telling it to stop in green brook or wherever i might live on my personal jet. Thinking of what the future may bring, i envision meeting my college roomate "grandpa" in south beach coming from ny while our private jets rendezvous at the private landing strip, miami skyline, red carpeted out leading to my maybach and his vintage hummer.Im gonna be on that passing plane and its gonna be mine. Everyone you see on your mtv documentaries, your cd/itune rip albums, your miss america pageants, american idols, apprentice winners, etc anyone working hard towards a goal arent making it up when they say that you have to envision success, and then make it happen. Jay-Z in his fade to black DVD says "i gotta envision myself tearin it down, get in my zone, and tear it up" or something to that extent (excuse the loose usage of quotations) No one become successful alone, no matter who you are. Its been a bitter week for once. I felt as if i left the black shox under the bed and were walking in the shoes of those i consciously and subconsciously critisize often by walking around bitter all week because things hadnt happen to go my way. I watch alot of DVD's probably moreso than actual human interaction so i relate alot situations in life to a DVD title or quote but anyways theres a part in the movie annapolis that says with high expectations sometimes you will fail to meet them which is good because failure is a far greater teacher than success. From the movie Rounders "great champions oddly enough rarely recall huge pots that they have won, but can recall with remarkable accuracy the tough beats of their career" In the grapefruit sourishh mood'erization realizing how uncharacteristic it is of me and how punkbitchish it is .. that in the path of "destruction" id cast out those that support me in any and everything i do. Thinking of where i wanna go, im greatful for everyone thats helped me get there and helped me become who i am and i thank them Part of my mentality this week was failure to be that big brother that i expect me to be. I grew up in an environment that fostered multitasking and have strived to acheive multiple goals at a time but years later see the remnants and consequences of such methods that although partially accomplished it leaves prone to not do any one of said goals WELL. To not be there for someone when they need it .. who knows where it falls under but i know it doesnt feel good when you realize your not. In taking that deep breath that we all know we should take sometimes .. we realize that lifes what you make of it, situations are what you make of it, that its what you take away from situations that matters .. all that boy meets world good guy lesson stuff. Belittling it as i may, its true and what makes you a stronger person is learning from the things we do and utilizing it. Utilization will get you far but is useless unless your greatful for what you have.
in doing so, I wanna say thank you to my lil's rex/tabz/roger .. thank you for always being there
to my brother the subject of nearly 99% of my thoughts .. youll always be my lil brother and ill always worry about you for reasons i hope you can understand to all my roomates .. grandpa/dale/crash.. that know the weird quirks that cant be expressed but only had to have been there to experience .. the wisdom we share and validity given as we walk/walked the path of finding out who we were to the bros that are more than bros .. twin/kev/latenite .. the thinktank crew when the world doesnt seem to make sense to the female endeavors ..that i have extreme respect for and henceforth will not publicly list .. are the ones ive learned the most from, and influence me in a way youll probably never know .. thank you to those close friends and family that accomplish indistinction between the two categories esp alex/slice/albert/jaques/gpdub69/jerome/terno/d/peanut/benizzle/toomany to entirely mention .. those that constantly make me step out of my comfort zones for my own good .. you know who you are .. thanks for pushing. to anyone that would hug it out with me if i asked including the guy pound/pat on the back thing in a real way is the sign that i let my guard down because i consider you a dear friend i thank you. Theres no structure or even an actual purpose of this entry but to get these important mini long needed epiphanies from my almost sedated state out and on paper/notepad so the act of marking it into something tangible makes it the first step for execution. "theres an idea, an execution of that idea, and hopefully you dont lose everything in execution" - JayZ and its on.......
Bonus plug .. fill in this line from annapolis (in mike tyson inpersonasion voice) "Everyone has a plan until .. _________________" .. The forces that be want to see how you hold up, when your lil plan goes to sh**
thanks for reading. your the truth'ism-erization. | 
