as i relaxed with my cuz this weekend i was brought upon issues that have prolly been stated before.  he likes this great girl who is showin him signs of liking him, but she is goin out with a dick.  this brings up the frustration i feel when i see a great girl goin out with a jerk.  do i have to be a jerk to get a great girl, do i have to be an ass to get a girl that most guys can only dream about.  i find it rediculous that girls are so blind as to what they are doin.  or is it that they actually like being treated like crap.  i don;t understand any more.  im not to sure that i care anymore.  i have a lot to do in my life.  i still can;t certain feelings out of my mind but i guess i either have to move on those feelings or sit back an foget about em.  wut can ya do ya know. 

new years was aight.  was at my cuz's place so we had some great lobster an steak.  then we left the adults an went out to a casino then to a club.  the casino was aight, had some fun there.  then we dicided to go to this club, thought it would be aight, but it wasn't.  the girls were ugly, then music was tight, but there weren't that many people there.  it sucked for the most part, but i was there with my cuz so we found a way to make it fun. 

in closing i can;t wait to go back to scool, bein away sucks.  its like im trapped and can't get out to do anything.  im bored an i miss my friends.  oh well, wuteva.  late.....

well it's beena while.  I have been pretty busy and i almost forgot about mr xanga.  then a friedn told me that i wasn;t cuttin it not writing.  good point.  been a while, since last entry i have seen friends experience sorrows like no other.  one of my best friends is goin through a tough time with his girlfirend, and its killing him.  another friend jus got royaly played by a girl, who in my opinion isn;t worth him giving the time to, who lied about the entire 8 month relationship.  this making the whole thing fake devastated my friend.  then finally my roomy's asst pastor/ good friend died suddenly of a heart attack.  he was crushed.  never in my life have i felt so helpless.  i hate to see friends go through ish like this, an it angers me that it has to happen to such good people.  i haven't really had any sorrows, but i have been thinking alot.  ive been thinking about wut i should be doin with my life.  do i have a major...nope.  do i have a clue, yeah, but its not a solid one.  all i know is that i want to be a "something."  i hate the idea of bein a nobody.  i want to make money so i can give it away while still living comfortably and being able to treat my girl like a queen.  when i have kids i want then to worry about notin but which toy they have to play with, an which one i want to play with along with them.  thas jus one part of bein a somebody.  i can't imagine a girl liking a guy that is a nothing.  i dont; want to set myself up for failure, and i donlt want to be single anymore.  thas another thing ive been thinking about.  women...why don;t i have one yet.  wut is it about me that keeps me from gettin a girl.  im not a dick, i donlt treat women like crap like some of the guys ive seen around.  wut the hell does a good guy have to do to get a good girl.  eff it!!!!  ive givin it to God yet i still look for a girl.  is it so hard to find a girl that likes me as much as i like her.  wy can't i have the girl i like right now.  i would be so happy.  of course my balls would have to drop for me to approach my friend and tell her i like her.  but why the hell must i go through this torment of whether or not i have a chance or if she likes me or any of the gay ass insecure questions i have.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!  other things ive been thinking about are my relationship with God.  i had a discussion with my friend adam "pokey" bohemus.  the realization i think we are both comin to is that we can;t figure out all the things we need to do to make our walks perfect, and we both know that there is no way that there is enough space on this web page to discuss it. 

ive decided that i need to change things in my life, but they are lil things that i know i can change with God's help.  the biggest thing ive realized in all my thinking is that i need to turn to Him with everything.  i can;t do things on my own.  i know i can't, i tried and failed.  so im gonna look to him for everything.  i have gone through days of frustration, not over anything specific, but all things piled up.  instead of looking to other things for help need i need to look to God. 

i don;t really have to many shout outs.  i have friends that know i love them an with out them iw ouldn't have been able to make it through some of the stuff i have.  i can;t list all of them an i hope i don;t offend anyone by not putting their names up, but i know way too many people.  dave, you knwo i love ya liek a brother, qt you got my back an i got yours baby, pokey reality is your best quality, don;t change your ways because someone says thas the way to be koo, mike reed i can;t beleive the stuff a guy as good as you had to go through, its a load of sh*t, d neff you an anna are the cutest thing in the world, make it happen, touch her butt or somethin..jk,  jeff judy your the man, you know it i know it everyone knows it, t love where would i be with out "ross," the lax boys i love you like family, an i love some of your family (penno feels that, ask him).

its been a while, which made this long, but its me an my page, you don;t like it...ill laugh at you when you tell me.

not a bad weekend.  very chill.  hung out with a beautiful girl on fri nite.  went to a jazz thing which was awesome, cuz i like jazz and it reminds me of home cuz we listen to that all the time.  then went to a coffee shop an chilled the rest of the nite away.  very relaxing to be honest.  sat i proceded to go to the soccer game.  our soccer team is invigorating to watch.  i guess i get a lil excited.  it helped out the day cuz my cuse boys got it handed to them on a silver platter.  like they didn't jus get beat, they got masacred.  but wut eva.  sat nite chilled wit my boy dave an enjoyed ourselves.  talked about women.  its to the point where im not worrying about getting a woman, cuz i know God has a woman thas gonna knock me off my feet when i find her.  who knows i might even know her now an jus not know it.  but i came to the realization that i don't wanna a girl for most of the shallow reasons that most others do, like the physical stuff.  im not sayin i don't want that, but im more concerned with the comapnionship that comes with a significant other.  i have times where i would rather stay up all nite talking than kissing.  that doesn't go for everynite im with a woman, but i think you get the idea of wut im saying.  so for now i say no worries mate, an sign off in a state of contentment for the moment.