"...I found myself fantasizing about a career in television. It was my dream to create and star in a program called 'Socrates and Company', in which I would travel from place to place accompanied by a brilliant and loyal proboscis monkey." -Dave Sedaris --Naked

"The first time I met her she didn't know how to fly. In fact, she didn't even have any feathers. None that I could see anyway, but then again, she was always pretty good at hiding things. Like the first time we slept together when she took off her shirt and I saw she wasn't really as heavy chested as her padded bra had led me to believe. It’s funny, the only thing I can remember thinking about that- as I hugged her close to me and reminded her that I loved her for her mind and not her breasts- was why did she even bother? Seemed to me that worrying about what other people thought of you was a pretty good waste of time. I told her that, and later, she threw away all of her lacies and started wearing sports bras. She told me once, over coffee, that when she was younger she knew how to fly. Honest, she’d said, really and truly. Sometimes I wonder if I knew, too. And maybe I just forgot."

My overwhelmed pupils contain illegible mortification.

If I had a tail, it would wag.

I've gnawed on my nails 'til I've pushed through my skin. I've quit everyone and destroyed all of my friends.