The Pain.

It's done.

I didn't let it bother me until it finally happened. My heart was beating super fast because I was so scared and nervous. The tears would not stop falling.

Afterwards, I couldn't stop tearing.

The guilt. The pain. The actual pain. The pain coming from inside.

Pain. It hurts.

What's worse. People who could understand aren't next to me. People who are around I can't talk to.

Never have I felt so alone.

Travel for Fun...where did it go?

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. That seems to happen a lot since I moved to Taiwan. Never thought the working world could give me so much pressure.

Before we started working, traveling is just something we look forward to. We were excited about traveling. But now, it's just a break from work.

I just went on a 3-day trip with my cousin's company and my mom's side of the family. It was great...a break from all the pressure. But it felt different. I wasn't excited the night before.  My little cousin hardly slept and woke up at 4am because he was excited. Me? Not so much. I didn't even pack until the last minute. It was just...a break to me.

When did traveling become just a break?

What happened to the fun in it?

It's more. Much more.

If it ever happens, I know what to do.  I had a plan. I knew what must be done.

Now...it's happening. And shouldering all the burden that comes with it, seems harder than I thought. The pain. The guilt. The fear.

All the bad things that I thought I was prepared for...are much more than expected.

stomach problems

I went to the Emergency Room on Monday night because my stomach was bloated for two days and it started hurting real bad Monday night. The doc gave me a shot to stop the pain, in which it did...thankfully. However, from the x-ray, he said it's obvious my intestines are filled with air bubbles (that's why it's bloated).

Today, I went back for a check-up with a Digestive System specialist. He said based on my blood test from a few months ago, some measurement from my liver is pretty high (liver cholestrol/fat volume????). Normal is 36, my number is 65. Not sure how horrible that is, but it sounded bad from the doctor. So now, I have to:

1. Stop staying up late. 1am to 3am is when the liver needs its rest, so I must get myself to sleep before that time.
2. No more alcohol intake. Sorry friends, no more heavy drinking from yours truly.
3. Eat slowly - I tend to eat too fast...making it hard for my stomach to digest.

I have to go back next week for an ultrasound and a stomach check (you know, they put a tube with a camera thing at the end down your throat to your esophagus, and finally to your stomach). Yeah, I heard this process is very uncomfortable. Who has done it? Is it painful? I'm kinda scared.

Must eat healthy....

truth shall set you free

 Last week, I was thinking...wow, now that I'm content with my life and everything seems "settled," it seems like all the pain before is nothing. They're just tiny little pokes, even though it felt kind of like hell hole to me at the time.

Truth.

How wonderful it is to know the truth. At the same time, how pitiful it is to know the truth. Wonderful for me. Pitiful for him. Well, not entirely pitiful...more like, knowing he's pretty naive.

A love from the past turned out to be a huge crush that never became a relationship. He called it love- he gave his heart away. But after knowing the truth from the girl, the feeling was one-sided. He claimed they dated for a week. That one week was so memorable to him. She said they were never together. She knew he liked her but she never accepted him. That one week doesn't exist in her life.

It's good for me because I'm no longer haunted by this girl of the past. I thought their love was so grand that I can never get over it.

It's sad at the same time because something he thought was so grand...was unimportant to her.

Anyways, enough blah blah blah.

Life is pretty good. Busy with work. Paying more attention to work. A lot of things are turning into a routine. There is no confusion in my love life. I'm more free. Not entirely free, but more free.

For now...I'm good.