| Hi, I have something to post....it's kinda heavy. Probably most people would post it under private but most people that know me, know I'm not very private. Beside anyone that read this is a friend, any rude comments can be erased.
Day after Valentines Day, Jess calls....I don't call her, love is tuff and if ya call it quites I'm gonna honor that within reason of course. 5 months ago all at once it got hard on the ticker....My parents disfunctial marriage has lead to a seperation, my aunt Brenda and uncle Bill were broke but didn't let anyone know until they got evicted and filed bankrupcy....so I was homeless. My other aunt Beth and uncle Randy who moved out to Cali under the persuasion of my bankrupt aunt and unlce, filled with hopes of the family biz booming.....it never did and they had to struggle until they Randy got his job back. And to make it even more personally confusing Jess some how got the idea that she not only didn't have any romantic feelings for me....so definitly would never have any. Oh, don't worry, I double checked.....she ment never. So yeah, I didn't understand that cause we cuddled and when ever I would look at her I could see eyes of love, not flirty eyes...there's a difference.
I guess lookin' back....it was being rejected by the person who was your love, your best friend.... the one who you could trust with the secrets you never were bold enough to share, the parts of who you were that you'd often down play or avoid in social circle because you viewed them as awkward, un-popular, or disfunctional. To end something that was built with love.......that just goes against everything I've read in the Bible. Hebrews says...love must endure...cling to what is good and hate what is evil, ditching a friendship because love got in the way is not how I'm gonna treat any woman I've invested my heart and time with, yes, there will be an obvious difference between what was "in love" and what's now "out" but a good friend is still a good friend.
Dumped, was me.....now were friends, Jess must have had so other manual on dating cause she kept on doing all the things lovers do....frequent calls, long letters, care packages, Christmas gifts, takes of visits???? The whole thing was baffling!?!? If ya don't like it quite doing it! Not saying I'm made of steel but I kept my heart on "friends" mode even though she expressed romantic interest, though I felt like the whole thing was bizarre and degrading. Doesn't it seem like all the fun without the work? Could be wrong, if ya think so leave me a comment.
Something I couldn't figure out was the voice....I don't mean the flirt tone that girls use....NO. I'm talking about the tone that's the sound of a woman's love. It's hard to put into words. When God looked at all he made and said it's not good for man to be alone.....he made something that makes the most beautiful sound when it's loved. It's soft, quite, slow tender....it hints to honesty, vonerability, trust, comfort. If you ever hear a woman speak to you like this, your blessed. I remember the first day I heard her love speak, my whole body went numb....probably because my heart was pounding out of control. It was so loud I could hear it beating, it was fast and hard while everything felt slow.
We were nothing more that friends....but she couldn't keep her voice from showing what she was really feeling. Simple talks led to deeper ones and before you knew it we were talking as one heart.... Feb 15, 2005, she calls to say hi....starts simple.....get's deep. Jess wanted to know why I've been insolating myself and not plugging myself in.....she says I'm just like the Roberto Benigni in "Life is Beautiful" but now(last 5 months) she see that I'm anti-social....afraid to shine like God made me.
I don't know if it was smart but I told her how I was feeling, I didn't know why......lot's of things got broken 5 months ago....really, it could have been all or none of them. Either way I just didn't like life....people seemed to be in a hurry to such up my joy....then....hurry to leave me high and dry. That's how it was for me for 5 months....people over all were disapointing, not worth of seeing my joy, not trusting enough to feel my love and personality. I've skipped alot of Church because I'm sick of all the fake...take, take, take....where is the ones that love you even when you suck it up and your life amounts to crap??? I got to walk a while down the roads that everybody fears.....not may friends or family members bothered to show an equal messuring care to my hurt and missed directions. Proverbs is right, what an amazing little book!!!!
Alright enough of the "Darkside". She asked so I shared it. Then she goes on to say.....sorry. Come to find out, Jess does love me, so much that even when she tries to hate me it blows up and she's sad and worried about me. From what she told me, she loved me but didn't like the way she felt because everything was "marriage bound"....has a lot to do before marriage and is scared but ready and not ready for marriage. ??? She thinks of me always and it eats her up but if we are together it...it...eats her up. How can I win for loing??? Seems like I'm loved by a girl that doesn't want to commit, loves the fruits of love but hates the work. Knows what she wants but thinks the grass is greener? If ya see it differently leave me a comment.
I feel like a love whore, I don't like what this has become and my soul feels like a million bucks now that I know our love failed because she couldn't cope not because I was her freak of a friend that miss read kindness for true love. For the past 5 months I thought my love was defective. That hurt something fearce. Honestly, I have been so happy, I get up early and don't sleep for more than 7-8 hours. I thought of church, school and other community settings brings me joy just like before, actually even more becuase I missed it deep down. I'm over whelmed with being me! I love this life, it seems rude to say but every since Jess told me the truth I have a restored out look. I remember what was good about life and how precious I am. THERE IS ONLY 1 ME!!!!!!!!! Love it up ya'll!!!!! I'm only gonna get to love ya back for a little while, then I' m home to go love my Daddy in heaven!!!! Everyone that I've loved I still love, I felt like nobody gave a flip about me but that was only feelings talking, I LOVE EVERYONE!!! Who am I to take love the ingrediantes of God and bottle it up? No way, sucka!!! The air is good and my soul is stronger than even imagined!
Conclusion: Jessica lied to me. It could very well be that she even lied to herself, that is hers to consider. If or when she and I get to talk about that, I don't know. I do know that I'm free from my restless abandonment. I can answer the phone when life call me, with out hurt and doubt.
When I don't think of Jess 10% loves her....90% wishes she never heard my voice.
When I think of her, 30% (old feelings remembered) love her....50% understand she's very young still....20% wants to change her name.
Comments would be helpful, but not required.....whatever, I want comments 
|
