wow where do i start?? i have no idea but i just wanted to write. first of all, i guess i am a tad more confident to write here now than i ever have been for the past i don't know how long it has been cause you know what? i've been so super conscious about how i write or what i write and it totally made it impossible for me to write! so i've enrolled myself in a creative writing course and what i learned in the first session is to just write and don't think. yes that is called flow writing and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me! hahahaha! basically it's just writing without stopping and just not worry about anything like punctuation, grammar and all that crap but just pen down your thoughts or what comes across your mind. i know by the end of this whole sentence it may seem as though i didn't have a valid point to begin with but who cares!?? i shouldn't any more. cause i just want to write.

but of course i care, cause this is my blog. and i shouldn't waste so much space writing crap. right? hmm. see there i start thinking and no...first lesson says don't think. but it also says don't just write words, write feelings. eh..was that what it said? i forgot. bwaahahaha. alright, so i realized that this whole flow writing isn't exactly something new. i write crap all the time and tend to start off with something and end up talking about something else so yeahhhh. nothing different. the difference...and the the biggest difference really, is that i should just forget about being conscious and just let my mind talk itself out in whatever form, in whichever ways using whatever words. and walllaahhh.

alrighhhht. so that was all written in like a few minutes and yes, i didn't stop to think or go back to delete my words or think twice about writing it so yesss i did it! but it's hard not to think cause honestly i really want to say things that gets my points across like immediately cause i can't be writing like i talk can i? well maybe this comes to show what kind of a talker i am. like yap yap yap yap yap...yap yap..yap yap yap yap yap. yap yap yapp!!! yap ya yap yap...yap?? yaaaaap. yap yap yap yapp. yap yappy yappy yapp yap. yappers yappy yappppp. i like this yap word. yap yap yappp yap yap yap yap. yappadoodleyap. yap yappp yap yappp yap yapppp yap yappp yap. wow that's like the world's yappiest yap song ever!! and i'm damn yapp about it!! hahahayapyapyapyaphahaha!!!

so...i guess i think i wonder i know, this is a totally yappy bullcrap post that probably wasted anyone's time to stop by and read. i don't think anyone actually read up till here, did they?? i mean, did you? hahaha if you did...cool. i don't know, i guess that's what i mean...cool. actually i meant another thing in another word but whatever.

alright. so you think i'm crazy? well i'm just writing and forgetting the fact that i should write something substantial. is that the word?? ooh i just realized my vocabulary SUCKS and i admit that. yes. it sucks. hahahhaa. i love my the writing course. thursday's coming babaes!! i mean babehh!! oooh and i start my brand new job tomorroowww!! yippee!! i'm teaching kids to write. HAHAAHAHAHAH!!

not funny. i'm excited!! ohhh and my dear dear friend weasel's getting engaged sooon and then married sooon and we gotta plan her hens night partyyyy weeee...ohhhh biggest (edited) another big news i think is me starting to wear the hijabb!! yess!! I AM A HIJABI YA'LL!! and i'm proud of it!! hehehehehe!! and and and what else...oh yeahhhh i think i wanna talk about..i lost my trail of excitedness...wow i guess i can type pretty fast la? hahahaha crazy. i'm laughing and then ooohh yeahhh!! i'm so excited about the whole new change!! i'm also helping a friend who's organizing a career carnival in kedahhh!! it's visit kedah year 2008 heyyy so yeahhh!! and i'm excited cause it's been so long since i wrote in a technical way i was soooo happy to help her out. hope i didn't pass her crap though. up next is getting sponsors and of course we need the sponsorship letter so i'm so happy with that project!!! but i haven't started work yet, which has quite weird hours happening but lets just give it a go yeahh??

ooohh..and i went for an interview with the integrated islamic school in kota damansara and i hope to be able to contribute there some day. maybe not now but maybe soon. :) i'm happy. happy happy happyy...so many things has changed...i'm not saying EVERYTHING's going great. i still have loads that i have just seemed to put aside and let it stay there. which is really bad honestly. i feel like shit still do, but at least i am spiritually different....soooo much more different i cannot help but thank HIM ALL THE TIME. haaaaaaaa. love.

love love love. i love. but yes, the other stuff has got to be settled. i cannot just go on flying elsewhere like always. i need to be responsible. OOOH that's the other thing i'm not getting used to yet. being responsible. I SUCK! but i'm hapy in so many ways. YEAY!

so...the last time i washed my car with my own two hands was...

lets see...

2 years ago!?

er, no...that was the year i left for australia. meaning i got benny about two years before that...

okay...

4 years ago.

and that car was my little black mini.

black = easily dirty. thank goodness this black love of mine is a small car so i really had no complaints whatsoever giving him a wash. and the outcome was bliss! cause he always looked brand-spankin', shiny clean and handsome. and of course i always gave myself a pat on the back for such a small thing like that la...hahaha!

mini - or fondly known as boy to me (as is the pet catfish, btw) - was sold off and dad got a bigger car for me (yes, i am one lucky motherchod). as a matter of fact, i believe 99% of cars made are bigger than him...including the produa kancil. anyways, since i got benny...i kept bringing him to the carwash, either at mobil or petronas. mobil was the manual, spray carwash type while petronas offered the machine, drive thru kind. both was bad on the paint i believe...not free...and blew my opportunity to get a good workout.

and these days, we have jean at home to help wash the cars. so yes i've been spoiled mad! and no, it's not good. i was working on benny's plate number today cause it came off twice in 2 weeks and was taking off the previous double sided tape that was stuck on it and on the car and realized...i've never spent any quality time with my car before. no, i've never waxed nor polished this baby's rims, tyres or its interior before. nope. and since i went to perth, i don't think i've given him a good vacum, other than taking the floormats out and giving it a good few whacks, sending all the dirt into the environment. yes ladies and gents...that was 2 years ago i gave him a real vacum. bwahahaha! but thankfully, it doesn't look like a moving garbage truck. it's pretty clean...and currently smells like vanilla. a little dusty on the dashboards...but yes...it does need a vacum.

it also brought me back to one of the days in perth. i was hanging out with kenny while he was trying to fix his...breaks...? actually, what was it huh..? i totally forgot what we were working on. well, i mentioned 'we' cause i was trying to help see, i know how to jack a car up, change a tyre...but after that, things with the break pads and whatever else other than the tyre...is something i've just never seen so it was interesting for me learning a new thing or two and playing around with the tools in the box and amused myself trying to pick the correct tool he'd needed. also, i remember going to the car accessories shop and was so like, wow...cause i've never stepped into one before. so he brought me there and to another place where he got his white fog lights (is that what its called?) and gear knob. so at the place i got to check out the most coolest things ever. from carseats, car monitor, audio, pedals, lights, fuzzy dice...whatever!! i was like a kid in a candy shop for the first time. okay...the candy store's another story to tell. anyways, that was the local, australian auto accessories shop. we also went to another place which was more asian, just as cool but with other gadgets that made me go, wow too! see i love japanese cars and it just brought me thinking of the honda ek and prelude. i looove!!

so my trips to get kenny's auto stuffs had been exciting and fun. i never thought of accessorizing my car until i met him and got the opportunity to check out the stuffs at the shops. i fell in love and wanted white lights!! and maybe a slightly darker tint on the windows. oooh, and i wouldn't mind a white light underneath benny.  anyways, dad's pimped the car more than i can ever wish for...it's a 1992, 2nd hand stock...but a a few months before i left for perth, dad changed the rims and got new tyres...he also repainted benny, put in new seat covers, and of course, fixed up all the dents i caused. but when i got back to malaysia guess what he surprised me with? since the washer wasn't spraying no water any longer, dad decided to change the washer nozzles with white windshield washer lights. so i was like coooool!! i've got white liiiiights!!

anyways, writing about cars...besides just installing little accessories here and there, i am loving cars which has been modified with great taste. i love those cars with their bumpers and skirtings going almost all the way down, almost touching the ground...you just have to wonder how they make it through lethal, or rather, KILLER bumps on the road?? yes, i've seen on rare occassion, these kind of cars trying to pull out of their garages in perth, or getting into a building when they needed to get up a what seems like a ramp?? - almost immediately upon entering the carpark. *gasps*

but yea...modified cars. the best thing about malaysian cars, is that so many of them has had their body parts modified. some look, personalized. some, totally a clone of another car. see, malaysian cars (especially the protons) have a lot of mitsubishi influence. i personally think that the proton wira/ looks like the mitsubishi lancer. actually, i just googled the proton and wikipedia states:

Based on technology and parts from Mitsubishi Motors, production of the first model, the Proton Saga began in September 1985 and was based on the Mitsubishi Lancer Fiore.

In 1993, a model called Proton Wira was introduced based on the Mitsubishi Lancer/Colt. 

Proton Perdana, based on the Mitsubishi Galant/Eterna, was first produced in 1995, intended for higher end market.

The Proton Satria (also called the Proton Compact in the UK) is a sporty 3-door hatchback based on the Mitsubishi Mirage / Mitsubishi Colt.

The Proton Putra (also sold in the United Kingdom and Australia as the Proton Coupe or Proton M21) is a 2-door sporty coupe based on the Mitsubishi Mirage. Considered by many as one of the better looking of the Mitsubishi-based models, the Putra was well-received and commands good second-hand value.

The Proton Juara is an MPV based on the Mitsubishi Town Box Wide.

...

(gosh, i didn't know this hideous looking moving box was also mitsubishi inspired???)

anyways..

Proton Waja (Proton Impian in UK) is the first car model designed internally by Proton. It was launched in early 2001. However, the car's chassis and engine were sourced and adapted from Mitsubishi (except for the 1,800 cc variant, which was powered by a Renault engine)

considering most of our protons are mitsu influenced...i guess it's not entirely wrong for them to wanna be, mitsu. eh? and although the waja is the first to be designed by proton...people still get them modified to look like a mitsu evo.

it actually started with the wira...and then the waja. let me proudly introduce you to our local mitsus:

wiralution and wajalutions!! yes, that's the wira+evolution, and you get the picture.

if you don't or want to know what i mean...?

let me show you

the local proton waja looks like:

[pics from wikipedia]

and i present...wajalution (stole pics from zerotohundred.com)

which was then modified to be this:

personally, i prefer the previous modified waja. the new rims aren't exactly my taste either...but alright, fine...it's not a mitsubishi to begin with. so why try brand your car as something it's not? mitsu's a sexy thing though. i guess people just can't help it! and hondaaaas and nissaaaaans *faints* hehehe. but my point is, we've actually got loads of modified cars here in malaysia. of course, everyone's got their own personal taste, and some really go all out to have their personal touch on their car. it may be a sore eye to some people, but heck...it's not your car. hahaha! anyways, these two pics i found on the net is just as an example to show you what i mean. there are many other cars (local or imported) that really gets my attention on the roads, be it simple modifications or a major make-over. i love sports cars. i love classic hotrods. any car with white lights is automatically sexy to me. sexy, hotdamn, handsome and gorgeous cars literally turns me on. f you can hear this *undescribable, not in my vocab* certain sound/purr to the exhaust...a plus. have an awesome sound system?? ultimate climax thank youuu!

on the other hand, speed doesn't necessarily top the list...but an awesome driver, and a nice looking car (to me. and it can be ANY car, mind you...) who knows how to handle their car, gasses it and zooms through lanes professionally by respecting that there are other cars and PEOPLE on the road, or in their way for that matter (by making sure they don't take unecessary risks [i admit i had been in a few instances before, where i had failed to comply to this and it's something i'm not proud of. i do hope to be a wiser driver] [but since the increase in petrol prices has shot up like eff, i guess i feel like a safer driver, cause i'm going between 60-80kmph on the freeways and you know, it feels very, relaxing! just that now i gotta always look behind whenever i'm on the fast lane cause there's other cars speedy speedy and i HATE being tailgated. or having a slowass in front of my face. hahahahaha!])...gets me feeling all flirrrrrtatious (wow...did you remember what this sentence was connected to?? )

alrighty...i love cars. i love to look, see, and if i get to ever drive any of them hotties...lets just say woo! anyways, i know i've been yapping about cars...i apologize if i've used the wrong terms to express something. i love em' but when it gets too technical i just use whatever words that makes sense to me. hahahaha. so ya..cars.

i simply  them. and know what? i don't necessarily know what car it is! it's good looking, and the name issss...? i know beemers, i know hondas...but there's times i'd say it's a ferari?? when really, it's not. there's just so many cars to admire! i don't really care about the name...like songs...i just see, hear, admire...and then don't ever know how to describe it to the other person.

like watching the fast and furious collection...i know jack what car what is...but i don't caaaare. i just wanna have a piece of it!! hotdaaaaamn!!!

okay

- end post -

finally!!

okay, okay...

- real end post -

arribbaa yeehaa, vroom vrooooooom!!

hahahahahah!!!

-  -

::: edited :::

i got shocked at the atm. well, been withdrawing money without getting the transaction receipts and suddenly bam! wow. that much left. so i need to do something. plant a money tree.

my room has a different look now. just that a lot of mess has been created too. a lot of paper to be recycled. a lot of dust around here. dad gave me the green light to write on my wall. something a buddy came up with and i'm like, "brilliant!". but money for paint. maybe i'll start drawing again. pencils, colour pencils, crayons, paint...i have those. but haven't done much art for the past...lets just put it: for a long time. actually, i could stick on my now-a lot-of-wall-space, old sketches and drawings of mine! including those my little sister has given me! yeah...that should spark some inspiration and ideas. well...we'll put that up soon.

then i thought i'm tired of sitting on my ass. i had fun shifting my 6-drawer-cabinet from opposite the foot of the bed to its right side only to move it over to the left and thought in the end it looked better on the right. oh, not to mention having to move the bedside table and a glass cabinet around as i had the indecisive moment. it was fun cause i felt so energetic and i miss being all up and about and sweating. that's the other one thing i love and miss about waitressing; it's almost like a gym. but it doesn't feel like you're working out cause your mind's focused on something interesting. my friends asked me to join them for futsal...and it's something i was actually looking forward to. coincidentally, clearing out my room, i found two of my old keeper-gloves and the knee guard and all that. so...

so. i need to make money while i am discovering the peace of mind and self. i still enjoy just driving around as a way to relax...but petrol is definitely not getting cheaper, d. stop gassing it!! and after spending so much on my car recently, i thought "i'd care more for you, benny my love"...yet the more i try to keep in in one piece, i'd recklessly go over a pothole or come thisclosetokissing another car's ass. like i've had waaay too many of that happening in the past, thank you. don't i learn?? sheesh kaput you.

but what i've learned from my 'finding peace and happiness' out of all that depression stage is: God and my religion. yes, that's the main one. and to count my blessings. make do of what i have instead of wanting and neeeding what i don't. so, i wanted to dance again and thought i really want to go back to dance class cause that's where all the energy is with others...and after watching step up 2: the streets i'm like, bring on the choreographed moves!! freestyle it and breakdance baby!! but yes thats money involved. unless, i join a group or something...? yeaaa! hmm...i'd like to try that out hey. on the other hand, i got a lot of space now in my room...and there's always great beats on the radio. so yes. lets strut! ooh, and after almost a decade of having hitz.fm on my radio, it's now fly fm baby! and they're flyyy... anyways, what about me wanting the turntables or wanting to be a racing queen. that's all expensive hobbies sweetheart. i can put that aside and not die. that'll be something i'll get to do when the time's right and finance is good. right now, i have to settle a huge amount of debt from college days. so don't be selfish and settle up dude. it's not like you're going to live forever. imagine me gone...and my family has to pay up?? not good. i hope that doesn't happen. so..what am i waiting for?? i can still do other things that i love and had wanted to do in life, like use the internet and read books for more information and do that campaign i had wanted to do. i can start brainstorming on those questions and that survey i wanted to do. i should start doing my in-depth research and analysis, do interviews and come up with my report or proposal! now...tell me, that is not pursuing a hobby. okay, in different areas altogether. still!

oh...but i seriously, miss cooking. i seriously, miss washing the dishes. kenny once said that he enjoyed doing dished cause it kind of gives the whole relaxing moment.

i couldn't agree more.

it's not about taking it slow and wasting water. i am guilty for being slow when it comes to washing but that's the way i am. it would generally take me forever to prepare and cook and clean in the kitchen. but at the end of all that. i have come to love, every moment of it. and grocery shopping is another hobby of mine.

so...i hadn't done that since i got back to malaysia. i felt like that was one of my favorite things to do and it's gone. i can cook here in my dad's place...but i don't do the shopping and i just never felt like it was my kitchen. plus...i've only really cooked for myself and for two, the most. most of the time it's trial and error and gets better the more i cook it. otherwise it's all experimental. but when it comes to cooking for a family...i just feel it needs to be perfect you know. and after say...almost 8 months of not cooking proper dishes...i'm just very nervous to cook anything. but there was that pasta dish...creamy pasta sauce with chicken and pasta. yes...one of my usual favorites at times i needed speedy meal. practiced a lot! so...maybe. and maybe a banoffee pie that can never go wrong for desert? maybe...

the joys of life. the things that you really have in front of your eyes. He gave us the freedom, really. it's just about making use of the opportunities. to let what will be, will be. i am loving this calming discovery. but *snap*. i want to help my family. i'd love to treat my family to meals...i can be quite a spender at the grocery store. heck, that doesn't include toiletries yet. i used to spend hours at coles or woolthworths. these days, it's hours in guardian or watsons. haha..so i do need money. i want to be able to wash my face and wash my hair...of course with other additional beauty products. hahaha. and i want to treat my grandma for breakfast/lunch/dinner. i want to spend my mom, so so badly. i want to explore the life out there. life-long learning. won't say no to another chance at education either. money...you are not really my main worry. but i need you. unless i opt for a life like alexander 'supertramp' in into the wild...which i highly doubt. not just right now. but never say never...hehe.

aiiiight. now. that was really...relieving. i have been wrecking my brains to write letters and got overwhelmed and scared after awhile. there was just a lot of flow going in my head that when pen comes to paper...it's like wasting a whole tree. okay, really i was typing it out. just trying to express how MUCH PAIN it's been. so i decided to come here and just talk whatever. i feel better. but those letters.

and mama's day card. i meant to say a lot to you mom. i wish for you to know a lot of things. i hope it will not be too late when i get to. cause i know it's not tonight. and that card's going to wait. hopefully not too late.

i love my mother. for she is the most sincerest soul i've ever known. most loving. and i cannot write.

and my step-mom. she's the bombs too.

i am blessed. He gave me a family. actually, families. and though it's quite a story to tell others who are not part of it...i believe my family is beautiful, and love is always there. unfortunately, i never quite saw that. but fortunately...i have begin to.

thank You. i love You.

p/s: i love my new profile pic. thanks naz i stole it hehe!