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gwen19
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Name: Gwen
Country: Singapore
Metro: Singapore
Birthday: 1/19/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Fashion, Theatre, Music
Stats: 1.66m/5'5.5
HW: 66kg/143lbs
SW (at Xanga): 56kg/123.2lbs
LW: 49kg/108lbs
Expertise: Daydreaming, Making something out of nothing
Occupation: Student
Industry: Banking/Finance
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/4/2006
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| Hiatus No MoreI have to admit I've been a real loser and allowed bulimia to consume my life for the past 2 weeks.
Before I scratch my throat till it's damaged to beyond repair, and before I binge myself to death, I shall continue to keep this diary going.
I want to recover as much as possible. I know we don't recover completely. We can't. And we won't.
The thought of carrying on with this horrible habit just kills my hopes and dreams for the future. I don't want to be a bulimic wife or mother. It's a disturbing thought.
From today onwards, I'm going to remind myself to eat normally for breakfast and lunch and light for dinner. Will fast once or twice a week. Panbesy intake will be put on hold for a while. Exercise shall resume after this dreaded haze goes away!
Why I am NOT going to bp anymore:
1. The calluses on my knuckles show.
2. My throat feels like shit each time after I purge.
3. My face swells.
4. My tummy bloats.
5. Half of the things I binge on aren't even what I really enjoy eating.
6. The toothbrush bleeds with my blood.
7. My teeth are going to get eroded sooner or later.
8. I'm afraid of what I see in the mirror after each purging session.
I'm the one who started this and I'm going to have to end it myself.
Some msn conversation I had with this guy whom I got to know through clubbing made my blood boil.
Asshole: D and I were discussing between you and J, who do we prefer..
Me: ?
Asshole: D said he will choose J because she's slim. But I'm ok with either one of you. The diff between me and D is he can't accept plump girls while I can...
Me: Haha. Okay...
Asshole: (that idiot actually went on!!!) Yeah we both agree you are the fleshy type...
FUCK that asshole k. I haven't seen him for at least 6 months and yeah when I first met him I was about 6 kg heavier, around 56 kg, my sw, but hey, I wasn't close to being thin, but I didn't think of myself as plump either.
What audacity! Who does he think he is? Using his little pea brain to judge girls based on our bodies? And dd I have to know that? Did I?!
I just played it cool and sounded like I wasn't offended.
Fuck, I feel like asking him out just to show him I'm not the same anymore.
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| fuckkkI'm going to start afresh tomorrow. Binged quite a bit today (omg, there's just SO MUCH food at home it's killing me), took some lax just now. ONE WEEK. I am going to come back here one week later and report some good news. One week of Panbesy, me and NO FOOD. :X I don't even care if it gives me insonmia and makes me break out in cold sweat. | | |
| Ran!I hardly did any exercising while I was on the diet pills (minimal running lasting not more than 15 minutes each time; I get freakin' cold whenever I ran at the start of the course, so it was kinda scary, light weights here and there...), so I'm REALLY glad that I managed to get my ass out on the track today.
Jogged/ran for about 30 minutes, gonna try for 40 tomorrow. :)
Intake was so-so: Only managed to skip lunch and have a very light dinner...
Went down to the clinic to get more pills from my doc and guess what? I decided there and then that I will only stop until the nurses raise an eyebrow at me when I ask for "Panbesy.". I want to be sooo skinny they'd think it' ridiculous (or maybe even inethical) for them to sell me the medicine. ;)
I've dug out some old clothes which I've deemed "too unflattering/tight" but I hardly feel any difference when I wore some of them. They don't feel much looser... Why!!!!
God, I'm so tired and stressed up from school but I still gotta go back to the big pile of work waiting for me on my study desk. :(
Just to let all of you know, I love you all, will reply all comments soon if I haven't done so.
Take care, everybody! :)
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| HeartacheHeartache indeed. Sorry I've been gone for so long. I told myself I won't come back to Xanga till I reached 50kg. That's like the middle check point I've set for myself, so yeah. He's done it again, like all the other previous guys.Sometimes I wonder if it's ME - it is the way I talk/dress/behave? Sometimes, I really wonder how many times a person's heart can break. Anyway, I guess other aspects of my life are looking up. Panbesy's great.It's brought me a body I never thought I could push myself to have. About 6, 7 weeks of Panbesy later... 
Arms clearly still a prob and my stomach has like zero definition. :S *shrugs* 3 more kg to go. I am going to make my dream come true. A classmate who hasn't seen me during my 3 month break commented on the first day of school, "Gosh! You've lost a lot of weight! You look so different now... Kinda like a lollipop..." I was happy till I heard the lollipop bit. Hahhh | | |
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