I haven't been writing on this site as often because I've been trying to churn out stuff for revelife.com.  Check it out whenever you get a chance.  You can try to guess flower alias is me...

In most cultures, especially in Asian ones, family comes first.  Actually, no, family is everything.  I think that's a nice idea, but it's not something I've really wanted to live out.  Don't get me wrong - I don't hate my family and I'm not estranged from them.  But I'm just not one of those people who puts family before everything else simply because they're related to me.

Ok, really I'm not a bitch, I swear. 

I support my family, I take care of them when I can, and I try to be a "good daughter."  But the reason I bring all this up is that my cousin is coming to visit tomorrow.  She is more than 10 years older than me, lives in California now, but had spent almost 30 years of her life in Korea.  The last time I remember being close with her was when I was 10 years old and visited her family for the summer.  And I can't remember the last time I saw her, although it must have been about 4 or 5 years ago.

Her visit has put me on edge because I don't know how (or want) to play the fake, gracious host.  I haven't spoken to her in years and feel like I don't know her at all.  My korean is pathetically bad these days, and I'm sure her english isn't any better than last time I saw her.  And now she's staying at our (cramped) house for at least a week and I'm mentally preparing myself for the barrage of questions that will undoubtedly be hurled at me, like: Are you dating? Why not?  Why did you gain so much weight?  Why does your skin still look like that?  Don't you want to get married? et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

True, my mother will be bearing the most of the burden, but I think I will have my fair share as the eldest child in the house.  This situation has firstly made me pretty annoyed.  But it's also made me wonder why I don't have this die-hard loyalty to my family.  Sometimes I think it's good because on the flip-side, I know I can let other people deep into my life and I have a fierce loyalty to my close friends.  But then again, is it fair to make my own family earn that same trust and loyalty too?

I must sound like a horrible person right now to some of you.  Maybe I am.  But this the truth of it.  When I have my own family, I'm sure I'll love them deeply and fiercely.  And I hope that I don't have a kid who thinks the way I do.  But right now, where I am in life, I put family on equal ground as friends.  Cousin or not, if I haven't spoken to you in years and you have no idea what's going on in my life and vice versa, then we really have no relationship.  And I feel strange giving up my room for and sharing meals with someone with whom I have no relationship.  But maybe that's just me.  Maybe I'm just not as hospitable as I thought.  Maybe this is just another reason why I need counseling.