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| To those who have been looking for me:
I wonder if you would recognize me now.
I struggled long, deliberately, and carefully; unbiased and open in my approach. And I came to no conclusion.
I try no to say too much, because I don't want you to think the things I have thought. I want you to live freely and joyfully without the questions sitting on your shoulders like a ghost.
But if you have wondered, I do miss you. My life has changed a million different ways since you last saw me. Most of those changes I did not choose, but some I did, and I do not regret, because i have chosen it all out of complete sincerity and in the best of intentions.
I watched as the structures that my ideals were founded upon crumbled and crashed down, one by one, and I realized that I must do what is necessary for me to carry on and live... Suddenly I recognized the weight in the eyes of the adults around me; it is the look of carrying on, of accepting the hard facts of life and also the joys. It's the look of knowing too much bad, but clinging to what we know of good.
And in it all, I found a love. A dear friend who has eased the burden and pushed me to keep fighting. And i've found family that will stick by me through anything. I've found a strength in myself that i didn't know what there.
And my journey continues.
sincerely and lovingly,
Hailey | | |
| where can i start?
i miss wynter.
i'm in one of those spots where living is not fun. i don't like how i am right now. i'm not well.
Needing strength. Needing peace and joy. Rest.
even though i don't understand You, i need You.
hmm. i guess i could just ramble. sorry for the complaining. i guess sometimes this is how life is, and we'll make it through it and move on. Gotta make it through this. I think it's normal to experience some sort of crisis like this at my age. Entering college, leaving childhood behind, having to decide and know for yourself who you are and what you're about.. college bringing up questions you'd never thought of before. i've got chris, and he's become my close friend and companion and i have this aching, constant, true sort of love for him, but he can't meet all the needs i have, and i shouln't ask him to. i need someting more.. i need a reason you know? i also need friends. i'm pretty lonely. well.. very.
i've asked, so i'm expecting help to be around the corner. ready to live again. my questions tore me up and left me without answers. and questioning is like a disease, it just consumes and spreads. One question leads to another, then to a hundred more. Then before long i'm questioning who i am and questioning the people around me, questioning the people who love me and who i love. And then there is nothing solid left, nothing to be sure of, nothing to drive you. i think you could question things your whole life and never really find peace or contentment. And i don't like that, but it's destroying me. even my physical health is suffering. but now i'm not sure how to get back. I don't think it is really a matter of getting back to where i was, but moving forward from here. Learning and becoming stronger and better. I guess time will tell. | | |
| New. Change. Questions. Unsure. Sorry. Frustrated. Process.
I don't know how wrong it is of me to question so much like i am, but i'd feel wrong about anything else.
Kierkegaard believed that logic and reason can never lead a person to God; that it is a choice or "leap of faith" that a person has to make. I don't like that. I want the realest thing that there is to be able to be found in every way, even logic.
I'm frustrated that i'm more of a questioner than a believer, now. It's just a shift in the way i see myself, and maybe how people see me. Well, actually, i think people actually think i'm falling away and are worried about me, and that frustrates me too. I've got a reason for all of my actions, and just because they are different doesn't make them wrong.. anyway, i don't have to take it out on xanga.
i'm hoping to get a camera soon so maybe i can catch the Spring when it comes in soon. Excited for the warmth and sunshine and birdsongs. Excited to go camping and swimming. It has felt like the longest winter. | | |
| Living. That's what i've been doing. Trying to figure out how life works and how the world works, trying to figure out Life and the next World... figuring out i don't know. I'm not sure if any of us really know all we think we know about those things. I think that, maybe, we cling to our beliefs because it feels like life and the world will spin out of control if we don't know how they work. Hah i could be totally wrong; Like i said, i don't know.
It does make it seem like life is spinning out of control, though, but i've gotta persist in this now. It's been coming for a while. I don't really like it, but i've gotta ask these terrible questions. It causes an identity crisis.. not knowing.. makes it rough. Who am i, if not the one who knows?
Answers don't come easy. My soul knows more than my mind. Sorry for my distance.
p.s. i love. Ha. | | |
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