I decided that after I type this entry and let it circulate for a couple days, I am going to delete my xanga.

It's something I feel I need to sacrifice for God.

Please don't scoff, but take me seriously here. 

This semester worry has eaten away at my life, and having something like xanga foolishly makes me think I can deal with it on my own, by typing it out, getting comments from friends, etc.  It also distracts me from really working out my problems. 

I need to remember that God is my only true and perfect source of wisdom, and if I am going to worry, I need to cast my anxiety on him (1 Peter 5:6-7).

Plus, I am working on not worrying at all (Matthew 6:25-34).  I want to clarify that sometimes a healthy concern about a problem is a good thing, because we do have responsibility in our lives.  I think it's important to remember that, because sometimes we can't just let something loose in a journal or to a friend; we do have to take necessary steps to get ourselves in the right place.  And I want to do that.  I am definitely a girl who likes to take care of business. :)

So I just wanted to say my little goodbye, give my reasons why and throw one last public smile on my holy and wonderful God, who is so good to always be there for me when I turn to Him.  He's there for you too, you know. 

Last night I drove home after band rehearsal so that I could see my little sis be a drum major and follow in my footsteps  as well as get in some shopping time with the older sis earlier today. 

I really miss being at home.  I don't know why this semester has been so much more home-sicky than my other two years (besides the first week my freshman year), but it has been.  When I drive, it seems like the miles and time just can't go by fast enough, and I have to set my cruise control on 58 to hold myself back.  It's really hard on a country interstate!  I love going over the bridge that leads to P-town, and especially pulling into the driveway, going in the garage door and being assaulted by a big black puppy-dog.  It doesn't matter if she is 8 years old, I still love the simplicity of getting greeted by a happy dog who loves you unconditionally.

My own pink and white and brand-new bedroom ... beautifully mildew-free bathroom ... hardwood floors underneath bare feet ... blooming roses underneath my bedroom window.  Who ever said that fairytales don't exist?  I realize that I'm "spoiled rotten" and I have no problem with that.  I work and study hard for everything that I have, so just let me dream over simple pleasures.

I liked going to the football game, sitting with my parents and eating a hot dog and fresh brownies.  It's weird to not be in the band and just watch them.  It's even weirder to watch my little sis with the band, knowing that it was me just four and five years ago.  Sometimes I really miss being a drum major, because I love conducting.  I rock out and do it in front of a mirror when no one is home to tease me.  Old habits die hard, I suppose.   I saw a couple old high school friends, and I am loving the maturity that means we can still talk and chill without things being awkward.

Then Liz drove home today and we went shopping in Peoria.  It was really disappointing not to find more affordable, modest, quality clothing.  You know, I accept the inevitable of having to pay more money for something quality that will last a long time.  But I refuse to spend $40 on a pair of jeans that will only become more low-rise the more I wash and dry them.  Give me Granny jeans that hide my hiney and aren't made of 75% spandex!   Okay, I'm done ranting.  But that perfect pair of jeans is pretty elusive.  What a silly thing. 

Tonight was the first wind ensemble concert.  I won't lie, it felt pretty amazing to sit in the top band ensemble and have such an intense performance.  I hadn't even realized that I'd memorized so much of the music until I was making eye contact with the director every two bars, and then I realized that I was copying the motions of the other 3 flutes to sound more like them.  I love making music, especially when it becomes so involved like that.  That's what playing an instrument should be like; not just blowing air and moving fingers in time, but communicating with the people around you and pulling the music through your heart before it comes out of your instrument.  AH, the corniness!  What a special gift all musicians have received from the Lord.  How wonderful that He gave all people ears so that we may hear and communicate with each other.

Today was the 21st birthday of a really special friend of mine.  He was the first guy I ever seriously dated.  Since we broke up and went our separate ways to colleges, it has amazed me how God can turn things around and make a friendship that can always be picked back up.  Does anyone else have an experience like that?  Anyway, I called him this morning to wish him happy birthday, and he called me back just a little bit ago.  Talking to him always makes me reflect on how things change but also how some things stay the same.  I'm so happy right now, knowing that I don't have to forget or "get over" this person from my past.  Such a gift.

Yep, I'm rambling and putting off the reading that really needs to be done.  Ah, well.  I'm the new laid-back Sarah, right?

Growing up...

So lately I've been going through a transition phase.  I'm definitely still going somewhere and I hope I will be for awhile, but I'm really liking the fact that I can be more silly, be a little more relaxed about my homework and not be so uptight. 

This weekend something just snapped, and I realized how tired I was of always doing homework and never being out with friends.  Perfection is not required.

And it turned out to be one of the best WIU weekends I've ever had.

I feel more like myself, more of who I want to be.

Hopefully more of who God meant for me to be.

You can't reach out to others if you're always holing up by yourself.  I'm not cut out to be a budding socialite, but I need to take advantage of opportunities to shine God's light out of my life.

He's whispering in my heart that I don't have to feel overwhelmed by everything.  That perhaps it's common sense that if you try and isolate yourself to work it all out, of course you're going to feel at sea. 

Lord, I pray for balance in our daily lives; for making time for friends and finishing the things we need to.  Give us strength to pour out all of our living water for you every single day, and renew us with your love so that we may continue to show the world how much you care about them, more than they can even imagine.  Help us remember that trials and suffering is not a bad thing, but discipline from a loving Father who will deepen our faith within us as we turn to Him.  I praise you Lord, for a new day and new opportunities!

I think everyone has a tolerance level when it comes to sleep.  Some people can handle a full 7 a.m. to midnight schedule and be fine, and some people can only do a 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. with a nap in the afternoon and a freely-scheduled evening.  Of course, there's a different mix for everyone and no one way is the best way. 

This week I am learning what this level is for myself.  Staying up until at least midnight every night has been necessary due to papers to write, studying to do and work after marching band.  I'm finding however, that I just can't stay up much later than that, get up at 7 and function well the next day.  I need more than five hours of sleep; at least 6 and a half is necessary, and 8 is desired.

Does this make me a nerd?  A social loser?  I don't think so.  My practical side may overcome my fun side fairly often, but I know that I need to take care of myself first, otherwise I can't even begin to do the work God put me on this earth to do.

It's hard to be in a college environment, where friends say that being in college means you don't sleep for four or five years.  They say it means living it up, making the most of every moment, spending time with friends that mean more than grades.

Talk about a guilt trip, right? 

Where do you draw the line?  If you have a test the next day and it's 11:30 when you get off of work, do you go to a friend's dorm to watch a movie with the crew, or do you bail out for the 10th time in a row, citing lack of sleep and need of studying?

     All day today I tried to write one paper so that I could write another one, too.  It took me approximately two hours to write an opening paragraph, and by then I wasn't even sure what I was writing about, so I just gave up.  You know what--it felt great.  These papers aren't due until Friday, and for some reason I'm stressing out 6 days beforehand because I can't seem to get the words out.  I need to get back in serious paper-writing mode, but I'm sure it will come eventually.

     In the meantime, I got a ton of my reading homework done, snacked around and watched tennis with Amanda, took an astonishingly quick run to walmart and enjoyed a little nap.  How much more glorious can a Saturday get?

     It got better.  Hard to believe, right?  Well, I hung out with Nate.  That should explain it all right there.    God amazes me when He shows me how to love someone so completely, for everything that he is.  When we finally started dating a year and 7 months ago,  I thought he was clever and good-looking, and I certainly admired his persistence.  Those things haven't changed, but now I know all the little quirks and habits and even faults that make him the most wonderful person I'll ever know.  [I won't apologize for those of you who may feel queasy reading this...it's a good reminder that love based on caring and respect does exist and is the best way to do it!]  Maybe this is a weird place to admit this since it's such a personal thing, but it will just cap off my thoughts for the evening: I know in my heart that Nate is the only man I'm ever going to love this way, and I especially relish the thought of serving God with him for the rest of my life.  I'm such a cornball.    Thank you Lord for such a blessing!