hallmarkcard's Xanga

Monday, October 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 23:50:56 GMT

I decided that after I type this entry and let it circulate for a couple days, I am going to delete my xanga.

It's something I feel I need to sacrifice for God.

Please don't scoff, but take me seriously here.

This semester worry has eaten away at my life, and having something like xanga foolishly makes me think I can deal with it on my own, by typing it out, getting comments from friends, etc. It also distracts me from really working out my problems.

I need to remember that God is my only true and perfect source of wisdom, and if I am going to worry, I need to cast my anxiety on him (1 Peter 5:6-7).

Plus, I am working on not worrying at all (Matthew 6:25-34). I want to clarify that sometimes a healthy concern about a problem is a good thing, because we do have responsibility in our lives. I think it's important to remember that, because sometimes we can't just let something loose in a journal or to a friend; we do have to take necessary steps to get ourselves in the right place. And I want to do that. I am definitely a girl who likes to take care of business. :)

So I just wanted to say my little goodbye, give my reasons why and throw one last public smile on my holy and wonderful God, who is so good to always be there for me when I turn to Him. He's there for you too, you know.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:57:13 GMT

Last night I drove home after band rehearsal so that I could see my little sis be a drum major and follow in my footsteps as well as get in some shopping time with the older sis earlier today.

I really miss being at home. I don't know why this semester has been so much more home-sicky than my other two years (besides the first week my freshman year), but it has been. When I drive, it seems like the miles and time just can't go by fast enough, and I have to set my cruise control on 58 to hold myself back. It's really hard on a country interstate! I love going over the bridge that leads to P-town, and especially pulling into the driveway, going in the garage door and being assaulted by a big black puppy-dog. It doesn't matter if she is 8 years old, I still love the simplicity of getting greeted by a happy dog who loves you unconditionally.

My own pink and white and brand-new bedroom ... beautifully mildew-free bathroom ... hardwood floors underneath bare feet ... blooming roses underneath my bedroom window. Who ever said that fairytales don't exist? I realize that I'm "spoiled rotten" and I have no problem with that. I work and study hard for everything that I have, so just let me dream over simple pleasures.

I liked going to the football game, sitting with my parents and eating a hot dog and fresh brownies. It's weird to not be in the band and just watch them. It's even weirder to watch my little sis with the band, knowing that it was me just four and five years ago. Sometimes I really miss being a drum major, because I love conducting. I rock out and do it in front of a mirror when no one is home to tease me. Old habits die hard, I suppose. I saw a couple old high school friends, and I am loving the maturity that means we can still talk and chill without things being awkward.

Then Liz drove home today and we went shopping in Peoria. It was really disappointing not to find more affordable, modest, quality clothing. You know, I accept the inevitable of having to pay more money for something quality that will last a long time. But I refuse to spend $40 on a pair of jeans that will only become more low-rise the more I wash and dry them. Give me Granny jeans that hide my hiney and aren't made of 75% spandex! Okay, I'm done ranting. But that perfect pair of jeans is pretty elusive. What a silly thing.

Tonight was the first wind ensemble concert. I won't lie, it felt pretty amazing to sit in the top band ensemble and have such an intense performance. I hadn't even realized that I'd memorized so much of the music until I was making eye contact with the director every two bars, and then I realized that I was copying the motions of the other 3 flutes to sound more like them. I love making music, especially when it becomes so involved like that. That's what playing an instrument should be like; not just blowing air and moving fingers in time, but communicating with the people around you and pulling the music through your heart before it comes out of your instrument. AH, the corniness! What a special gift all musicians have received from the Lord. How wonderful that He gave all people ears so that we may hear and communicate with each other.

Today was the 21st birthday of a really special friend of mine. He was the first guy I ever seriously dated. Since we broke up and went our separate ways to colleges, it has amazed me how God can turn things around and make a friendship that can always be picked back up. Does anyone else have an experience like that? Anyway, I called him this morning to wish him happy birthday, and he called me back just a little bit ago. Talking to him always makes me reflect on how things change but also how some things stay the same. I'm so happy right now, knowing that I don't have to forget or "get over" this person from my past. Such a gift.

Yep, I'm rambling and putting off the reading that really needs to be done. Ah, well. I'm the new laid-back Sarah, right?

Growing up...

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 09:17:19 GMT

So lately I've been going through a transition phase. I'm definitely still going somewhere and I hope I will be for awhile, but I'm really liking the fact that I can be more silly, be a little more relaxed about my homework and not be so uptight.

This weekend something just snapped, and I realized how tired I was of always doing homework and never being out with friends. Perfection is not required.

And it turned out to be one of the best WIU weekends I've ever had.

I feel more like myself, more of who I want to be.

Hopefully more of who God meant for me to be.

You can't reach out to others if you're always holing up by yourself. I'm not cut out to be a budding socialite, but I need to take advantage of opportunities to shine God's light out of my life.

He's whispering in my heart that I don't have to feel overwhelmed by everything. That perhaps it's common sense that if you try and isolate yourself to work it all out, of course you're going to feel at sea.

Lord, I pray for balance in our daily lives; for making time for friends and finishing the things we need to. Give us strength to pour out all of our living water for you every single day, and renew us with your love so that we may continue to show the world how much you care about them, more than they can even imagine. Help us remember that trials and suffering is not a bad thing, but discipline from a loving Father who will deepen our faith within us as we turn to Him. I praise you Lord, for a new day and new opportunities!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 00:43:42 GMT

I think everyone has a tolerance level when it comes to sleep. Some people can handle a full 7 a.m. to midnight schedule and be fine, and some people can only do a 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. with a nap in the afternoon and a freely-scheduled evening. Of course, there's a different mix for everyone and no one way is the best way.

This week I am learning what this level is for myself. Staying up until at least midnight every night has been necessary due to papers to write, studying to do and work after marching band. I'm finding however, that I just can't stay up much later than that, get up at 7 and function well the next day. I need more than five hours of sleep; at least 6 and a half is necessary, and 8 is desired.

Does this make me a nerd? A social loser? I don't think so. My practical side may overcome my fun side fairly often, but I know that I need to take care of myself first, otherwise I can't even begin to do the work God put me on this earth to do.

It's hard to be in a college environment, where friends say that being in college means you don't sleep for four or five years. They say it means living it up, making the most of every moment, spending time with friends that mean more than grades.

Talk about a guilt trip, right?

Where do you draw the line? If you have a test the next day and it's 11:30 when you get off of work, do you go to a friend's dorm to watch a movie with the crew, or do you bail out for the 10th time in a row, citing lack of sleep and need of studying?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 00:45:24 GMT

All day today I tried to write one paper so that I could write another one, too. It took me approximately two hours to write an opening paragraph, and by then I wasn't even sure what I was writing about, so I just gave up. You know what--it felt great. These papers aren't due until Friday, and for some reason I'm stressing out 6 days beforehand because I can't seem to get the words out. I need to get back in serious paper-writing mode, but I'm sure it will come eventually.

In the meantime, I got a ton of my reading homework done, snacked around and watched tennis with Amanda, took an astonishingly quick run to walmart and enjoyed a little nap. How much more glorious can a Saturday get?

It got better. Hard to believe, right? Well, I hung out with Nate. That should explain it all right there. God amazes me when He shows me how to love someone so completely, for everything that he is. When we finally started dating a year and 7 months ago, I thought he was clever and good-looking, and I certainly admired his persistence. Those things haven't changed, but now I know all the little quirks and habits and even faults that make him the most wonderful person I'll ever know. [I won't apologize for those of you who may feel queasy reading this...it's a good reminder that love based on caring and respect does exist and is the best way to do it!] Maybe this is a weird place to admit this since it's such a personal thing, but it will just cap off my thoughts for the evening: I know in my heart that Nate is the only man I'm ever going to love this way, and I especially relish the thought of serving God with him for the rest of my life. I'm such a cornball. Thank you Lord for such a blessing!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 00:46:07 GMT

How do you find a balance in life? Lately I've been riding in ocean waves, and just when I think I'm smooth-sailing, I crash into a rocky coastline. Then, I hunch over on the rocks with a bleeding heart and condemn myself to painful meditation as sand gets into my wounds.

Self-pity is such a terrible temptation. Satan certainly knows our weak spots, doesn't he? Once we're down, we have trouble getting out again. The worst part is getting a glimpse of the sunshine, thinking you're free of it all, and then you fall back down, frustrating yourself even more. I just want to scream, "Enough is enough!"

I have to remind myself that God does not call me to be useful, but to be used BY HIM. I layer so many activities and pressures that aren't necessary, then I buckle under a yoke that is heavier than is meant to be. Jesus promises His followers that His burden is light; that we will never be given more than we can handle; that a way out of temptation will be always be provided, and it will never be more than we can bear. Such huge promises that I have trouble buying into them, because I want to see the physical evidence, I want to hear whispers in my heart, I want to be so changed and have such an overwhelming peace that all of my troubles go away forever. God doesn't always work like that. Struggling with God's presence in your life shouldn't be based on physical evidence, because as sinful humans we are always going to disbelieve. We need more truth to structure us, more of God's Word.

We all have to overcome sins in our lives, especially the sin of second-guessing our life's plan. I love 1 Corinthians 12:18: "But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be." It reminds me that God has had a most personal hand in each life, going so far to arrange my placement right now, putting me exactly where He wants me, where I can do His will. Planning ahead is all well and good, but day-to-day living by faith is even better. Living with Christ at the center of everything is not supposed to be a silver-platter gift. It requires making new habits and keeping them, immersing oneself in the Bible and fellowship with other Christians, seeking God 24/7 in every action and every thought.

And somehow my little rant turned into an educational sprinkling of faith. Isn't it wonderful how God can use anything for His glory?

The First Week

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 13:50:49 GMT

My first week back at school was a trying affair. Now that I'm back at school, I'm in the mode of self-torture, the constant guilty thoughts about needing to finish all of my reading assignments, papers, etc. I can hardly concentrate on anything, which is bad news, lol.

My classes are pretty heavy. Three of them have horrendous reading and writing assignments every day, and the other two are gen eds with ambitious teachers who believe in making the material more complicated than it really is. I appreciate their desire for students to learn because I want to learn too, but it's frustrating when a psych 100 class has just as much work as my English 334 class. I'd love a simple lecture class with test answers right out of the book and notes. No more projects, out-of-class experiments and assignments, reading quizzes and class participation--it's just too difficult in a class of 165! Before work today I still need to read a few hundred pages, write my first paper and create a research proposal. Haha.

My ensembles this semester are exciting and challenging, but also a lot of stress. Marching band has been a lot more fun, especially since I feel more comfortable as a section leader my second time around, and the girls in the section are all really easy to be with. No more little fights or drama, yay! Plus, the drill moves are more complicated and athletically-challenging, which I love. The marching is really my favorite part of being in MB. As a bonus, the music so far is not too difficult to memorize, which means not having to take it home and have more homework. Wind Ensemble is a different story. I've wanted to be in it for so long, wanted it to be challenging and actually experience progress. Concert band was fun to be in and I love Mr. Phillips, but it really wore on me that the section didn't always step it up. The serious nature of the musicians in WE makes a huge difference in that area. Now that I'm in it, though, the rehearsals are frightening. LoL. I can't help myself, my breathing abilities are knocked down, I have trouble really concentrating on the music because I try to look up at Mr. Fansler fairly often, and I feel terrible about every mistake I make (which seems to be a ton more than the other flutes, who are all amazing players!) I hope that once I have the music under my belt I'll be able to a do a better job. First I have to find time to practice.

I love my new job at the Courier. I love feeling like I can actual socialize with people and get to know them, as well as still be myself but out in the open (versus the back room where I've always been before). I'm a little afraid that the long, late hours will make it hard for me to get all of my homework done and still manage to get some sleep, but hopefully my organization skills will be honed back to school mode soon. Plus, I feel like what I do there will give me direct experience for an entry-level job in the publishing world once I graduate.

I'm torn about living in the CSC House. First off, I have to get something off my chest: I despise the washers and dryers here. There, I feel better already. Lol. I've always been a laundry girl: I really do like to do it, and part of liking to do it is to wash most of my clothes in a gentle cycle and hang them to dry. But the washers here don't have a gentle cycle and it messes with my laundry vibe. I love this, it's so absurd. True, though. I like only having to share a bathroom with a couple people, especially having a kitchen to cook in and a living room to lounge in. I'm sort of sad about not having a roommate, though. Amy and Amanda are tons of fun, but I'd really like my own best friend to live with.

Now that I am so busy with school and everything else, I don't even feel comfortable about being a CSC leader anymore. Unfortunately it feels like just another thing to add to my list of things to do, and I really don't want that. I already know that I just can't be a small group leader, because I don't have enough time to commit myself to that sort of thing. People in small groups deserve someone who will meet with their co-leader ahead of time, cover them in prayer and do some serious devos in order to share with the group Biblical truths. I feel as though it's enough just to keep myself in a spiritual haven. I signed a leadership contract and committed myself, but I wasn't able to comprehend ahead of time just how much little free time I would have. Because of work I can't even make it to the org meetings on Sunday nights.

At any rate, I strongly believe in the presence of undercover leaders in an organization. Official invitiations and titles serve to create a true structure in a group, but I think that even people who don't have an "official" position are able to serve as examples, extend kindness to everyone and help out when they can. I'm scared to talk about it with Heather and Charlie because I don't want them to be disappointed in me, but I feel so strongly that God is telling me to cut back, center my life around Him and not in groups or classes.

It's so hard for me not to layer a bazillion things on my shoulders. I've always loved working under pressure, being busy, feeling productive and as if I've got to manhandle my life to keep it all under control. If I can be snobby for a moment, I think I'm darn good at shining in the heat of the moment. What humbles me is being less scheduled, long-term projects and, yes, leaving a mess to clean up tomorrow because sometimes you just have to call it a night. I'm hard on myself, which is probably why I get so stressed, isolate myself and lose 10 pounds at the beginning of every semester. I love to have fun and I love my friends, but for some reason I just guilt myself into doing my homework, right here and right now.

Lord, I need you so much. I can't do it all on my own, and I need to stop trying so hard and just let you do your job. Take away my desires to be in control, to be always busy so that I don't have to dwell on the things I miss out on. Help me to continue to put you first and spread your joy and peace, Lord Jesus.

The Back-to-School Entry.

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 21:04:47 GMT

Tomorrow marks the beginning of classes for the fall of 2006, and I am not inclined to be excited as of yet. Perhaps tomorrow when I pack my bag with the planner and a couple books and hit the streets with my schedule I'll start to warm back up to school, but right now I'm ready to graduate. LoL. Too bad I'm only a junior, right?

This morning was the first Sunday service for CSC, and there were more people there than I've ever seen before. It was amazing how so many new people felt welcomed and wanted to come, and a great majority returned to the CSC house for a cookout this evening. I AM excited to get back into worship and making new Christian friends. For some reason it is so much easier for me to open up to them, knowing we already have so much in common, the same purpose for living. I am really liking living in the House so far, even if the laundry facilities are majorly ghetto and I have to carry my basket down three flights of stairs to get there. tehe. Every place has its ups and downs. I feel at home here: making my own breakfast every morning, doing my makeup in the bathroom, taking naps on the couch.

Pretty soon I better find time to get over to Corbin! It seems as though a great deal of my closest friends all moved in when I moved out! Girls on 8, 6 and 5, plus boys on 5 and 4. I feel special to know so many quirky people. College is all about friends, to help with homework, hang out with on weeknights, work with, party with on weekends, participate in activities with, take classes with. People who come only to go to class miss out on something pretty sweet!

Things I want to do this semester:

- Have closer friendships with the select few who can put up with me, hehe.

- Go out dancing with the girls more often...which means at least once.

- Do more Pilates, eat less chocolate.

- I think that's enough for now.

This entry is so mish-mosh and unorganized...sometimes you just feel like writing, even if it only makes sense in your head.

What are you looking forward to this semester?

Friday, August 11, 2006

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 11:58:12 GMT

Wow, I've been on xanga for 637 days...obscure number, but pretty awesome. I'll have to go back and count my posts one of these days, maybe it's enough to make a book or something, my ticket to fame!

I am now moved back into my school housing...except that for the first time, I'm out of the dorm! YAY! And so far it's a lot of hard work, lol. My roommates Amy and Amanda and I had to literally scrape out a living room and kitchen's worth of wallpaper off of the wall and then do two coats of paint in there. I scraped all of a wallpaper border out of my room and painted in there with Heath's help...go Heath! We'll have to bake him a cake for helping from 11-4 a few days ago. That's amazing servanthood within the body of Christ, right there! Now Amy's doing a second coat in the hallway, and we haven't even started the bathroom yet. Ugh. It looks so much brighter already though, that we're all enjoying our little Trading Spaces week. [Plus I got to sleep in until 10 today, and that really did a lot to make my attitude a positive one .]

Yesterday my parents and a family friend came up to put together my loft bed and such, and it was a fun time despite the fact that it rained all day. Eventually we got it all carried into the house, we just had to wait for the sunny patches. I feel like I have a home now, even though it's only half of a small bedroom. I love being with all these girls, who are hilarious and honest and love to girl talk as much as me. So far I've been a bit anti-social because I've just been so tired, but that will change as soon as we've got everything put back together. And when I get used to staying up past 10 or 10:30 again. LoL, what a summer I've had, where I'm not used to staying up past 10 o'clock at night!

Nate arrives at home this evening! I am so excited to see him again! It's only been a couple weeks, but anticipation for finally being together every day has made it seem so much longer to me. Muhahaha, pretty soon he won't be able to escape!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 20:20:54 GMT

I'm just chillin' at home, content to relax in boredom for awhile. In two days I'll be back in Macomb, doing some remodel stuff at the CSC House. I'm really excited to be back at school, because [as geeky as this sounds] I really do love to learn. I am especially looking forward to being introduced to a lot of new books in my English classes, to start writing newspaper stuff in a journalism class and to only have flute lessons perhaps once a month. I'll get to share an apartment with three awesome ladies, be able to cook real food for us and for friends, and learn what it means to share a small bedroom with another person. After having my own room for so long, I know it is going to take major adjustments to not be so anal about cleanliness. I don't know if my new roomie will be a neat-freak like myself, but I'll have to learn to go to bed even if there's a mess on the floor. [Deep breaths, Sarah Marie.] Major downsizing and less pack-ratting will have to occur. I'm excited though: I feel like God has major plans in my life with these new changes, and I'm so motivated to encourage my roommates to beef up our spiritual lives together. There's something about living in the CSC House with other Christians that I feel like I've been waiting for since I've come to WIU. Having friends is a really important thing, but it's especially important to have close friends who share your beliefs and can encourage you. I so want to be a good friend to my sisters in Christ, and this year I will be surrounded by them! CSC ladies, watch out! God's calling me to be your friend! I'm in such a goofy mood! Although I am being serious.

Anyway, I'm trying to look forward to marching band. Being out on the field and getting a workout with my instrument is something I've always loved: I'm hoping and praying for a really tough, fast-paced drill. Give it to me Phillips! It's totally sweet to snap down your horn at the end of the show, totally out of breath and hardly able to keep the grin off your face despite the fact you need to remain at attention. I love that thrill of the performance. I'm a little nervous about my wrists, even though the specialist told me that I might just have tendonitis. I have to go back in two weeks to see how all my blood work and etc. came out, but I'm not looking forward to the inevitable pain that band camp will bring. I worked my old high school's band camp this past week, and that wasn't even half as hard but still painful. Plus, I want all the piccolos to have a great season, but it's hard to gear up knowing the rest of the band won't motivate us. So what if the trumpets do get a louder sound than us? Your instruments are made for that, and you have twice as many as us! Piccs do count for something, and I hope all the ladies are ready to work! We'll show you all how to get things done and have more fun in the process. Lots of tricks up me and Julie's sleeves, just waiting to come out. So there. [High five to Karlene, Alysse and other flute-playing xangans.]

Today is Nate and I's 1 year, 6 month anniversary. Oh how the months have passed! The world doubted us, but God has seen us through! I'm not in the mood to be corny, really. My heart does run over when I think of the obstacles we've overcome and how time has proved that shared lives for God result in such sweet, unbelievable things. The Bible is unbeatable when it says that a threefold cord is not easily broken. Only the Lord can change people's lives around, even when it might not seem that a change is necessary. Nate, I love you and everything you are, the good and less-than-perfect. I can't wait until you quit cutting down trees in Naperville and come back to me!