| is it idealism or is it conviction? |
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| and i thought my 18th year was bad.
my 21st year is worse. |
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| tonight was the second time my mom said the sinner's prayer with an insincere heart. this breaks my own heart.
our Jesus is not a genie.
our Jesus is God, and the only God. and only He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. and no one can go to the Father except through Him. |
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| random thoughtsi haven't really kept up with the Olympics in its entirety lately. i've caught a few snippets of water polo, volleyball, baseball, and etc. here and there, but not really enough to be completely up to date as to what the latest competing countries are. i currently don't have the time...and it's also not really the right timing for me to be so immersed with this event. i love the perseverance of the competitors though. there is much burden attached to yourself when you are internationally representing your country.
i wonder what it's like to be unconditionally loved despite the differences in faith. i wonder what i'd feel, think, and respond if i could finally freely study His Word and worship&praise my Lord Jesus Christ at home. i wonder what it'd be like if i were finally allowed/encouraged to go to church and fellowship with brethren [who have most likely forgotten me by now because it's been so long]. i wonder what it's like to pray together as a family unit at home.
speaking of prayer...once you truly give your heart out to God in this vertical communication, you may suddenly feel this conviction of your sins. you may suddenly feel exposed because the sins that were originally buried inside your heart, God digs out [with candor sometimes]...and it makes you feel so exquisitely uncomfortable. but i realized that we are exposed for the reasons of God telling us afterwards, "I have the grace to forgive that. I have the mercy. And I don't love you for what you do, but I do love you for who you are because this is who I am. You are mine. I will catch you when you fall, in spite of the multitudes of your sins, and I will take you as you are."
sometimes, school can be rough. i will be the first one to admit that i am far from intelligent [and hardly close to possessing any form of street smarts], but i do thank God that i am in school. it opens up so many opportunities. it opens up doors for your calling and it opens up doors for your ministry. even when i feel as if i'm wasting time because of my own incompetence, i do take comfort in knowing that there is meaning behind every circumstance. and God has a plan. for you and for me.
one of my pet peeves is witnessing how nonbelievers treat Jesus Christ like He's a genie in a lamp. what was that saying again? ...that there are no atheists in foxholes? after the storm settles down, they go back to their own ways and go back to denying God. since God is omniscient, that must have been a lot of Love extended towards humanity for Him to still sacrifice His begotten Son. i'm sorry, Jesus, but i don't know how to love like that. i don't think anyone ever will. i hate the people who treat You this way. help me God. change my heart.
my birthday is approaching in three days. i don't know if i should actually organize a birthday party for myself though--my family is currently under much trauma from the cancer that my grandmother has. and it's not even just cancer anymore--she also needs heart surgery. after a checkup with the cardiologist for making sure she is a candidate for cervical cancer surgery, it was found that something was clogged up in her heart valve. so she needs heart surgery before anything else...and i don't know if a 77-year-old elderly woman would be able to endure two major surgeries within such a short period of time. i wish i knew all the answers. and sometimes I don't understand God. but i can do nothing but to pray and trust in Him... thinking about how to celebrate my birthday would be very selfish of me. so i probably won't...but there are many other [surprise] birthdays going on this week, so perhaps i'll be able to at least celebrate with those who can celebrate. oh gosh, this reminds me--i need to start making/buying gifts and writing cards!
and oh yeah... Jesus, can You give me the courage to continue to witness to those who don't know You? Thanks. |
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| i still believe in you. and so does God.
He's the one who still believes in those who fail. |
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True
