'A Memoir'          

            “Nana was a great woman,” Greg said to me as we looked over at the coffin where my great grandmother was lying.
            “Yes, Greg. I know. I miss her just as much as you or anybody in this room.”
            “It still hasn’t hit me yet.”
            “Me either.” At that point, I wasn’t really sure if it had hit anybody yet. Up to her death, she was very active. At ninety two years old, she was a crossing guard and was still driving her 1972 Buick LaSabre convertible.
            “How did you find out, Steve? Didn’t you have work or something?” Greg said wondering how to get me out of the trance that I was in staring at my deceased great grandmother.
            “Well, I did, but I found out right before I was walking out the door.” I was remembering quite clearly. I remembered being dressed in my grey short sleeve button down shirt with my black slacks and my black dress shoes. I had just thrown on the leather jacket Nana had bought for me the Christmas before.
            “Steven, Nana’s dead,” Nick said to me with the phone in his hand on the verge of tears.
            “No she’s not, Nick,” I said not at all believing what had just left his mouth.
            “Yes she is. I just got off the phone with mom. I am not joking you!”
            “Nick, Nana can’t die. Nana’s never going to die.”
            “And then you ran out the door?” Greg said, wondering about that rest of the situation.
            “Yea, I did. I called mom when I got into the car.”
            “It’s true, Steven,” my mom said to me over the phone while I was riding in the Skyline car service car that picked me up to bring me to work. “Megan and I found her when we got to the house.”
            "Wha..how..how did this happen?”
            “I don’t know. We called and called the house and there was no answer. Megan and I came to her house and we went inside and called for her and we found her lying partly on the bed.”
            “I don’t understand. What do you mean-“
            “I have to go Steven. The ambulance is here. Bye.”
            “Mom-“
            “Wow,” Greg said looking to floor as if it held a bit of happiness to give him.
            “Yea, it was rough. Then I called Melissa and I don’t think she knew how to react. Not that she’s here today, anyways.”
            “Wouldn’t it be great if Nana just sat up right now and said, ‘Just Kidding!’” Greg said trying to inject some humor in the situation.
            “Ha. I think I might have a heart attack.”
            “I think the whole room might.”
            “That night I did not have it good,” I said, bringing the mood right back down. “When I got to the bus stop in Jersey when I was back from work, nobody was home to pick me up because all of you were out to eat, so I walked home. It wasn’t a long walk, so it wasn’t too bad. A little more than half way home, I started to get a little emotional. The more time I had alone and in silence on the walk home, the more I was crying. By the time I got home, I was wreck. The first thing I did when I got home was go to the piano and pick up my annoying empire state building bell. I started ring it as loud as I could until I didn’t have the strength anymore, and then I turned around and I saw a picture of her from her ninety second birthday. I was just wishing God would give her wings.” After I had said all of this, I looked to Greg and he was again looking at the floor. “You know, Greg, I feel guilty.”
            “About Nana?”
            “Yes, I do.”
            “Don’t feel guilty, Steve. It’s not your fault. None of us saw it coming. We had just eaten dinner with her on Sunday. She was fine.”
            “I wasn’t there, Greg.”
            “But, still, Steve. You shouldn’t take this hard at all. It’s not your fault.”
            “I know it’s not my fault, but I didn’t really see her. The last time I saw her I had just got my new cell phone and I was playing with it and I accidentally locked the keypad and couldn’t get it unlocked. I was only there for there, what, like forty five minutes? You know, you were there. The whole time I was playing with my new phone and the only attention I gave her was when I said hello and goodbye. And she ate at our house this Sunday, like you said, before she passed and I was at Melissa’s house eating dinner with her and her family.”
            “Steve, don’t take this too hard. You didn’t know. None of us knew.”
            “I just wish that I knew. I would’ve savored my time with her. I was looking forward to getting my license in two weeks and visiting her when I could. Now, I, I, I just don’t know.”
            “Don’t worry, Steve. I’m sure Nana understands. She's smiling on all of us in heaven now.”