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happydecember
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Name: Olivia
Gender: Female
Interests: everything NYC - i MISS living there!!, cookin', sleeping, taking day trips, going to the beach, eating at diners, trying to learn spanish, travel, thunderstorms
Expertise: a little bit of this, a little bit of that
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Industry: Design
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/19/2003
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| overanalyzing, yet again.ok, i know when i've been blown off or there wasn't any chemistry. but maybe i just don't know how to play this game. maybe i need to learn how to play the game? but i hate this game. this is what's going on in my little brain:
"i didn't hear from him as much today. i wonder why? has he met someone else? or maybe he's really busy at work? i usually have about 10 emails by this morning and i've only got 3 emails and 1 text message. maybe he doesn't like me anymore? maybe he's changed his mind about me?"
i've gotten accustomed to my email/text message/phone call first thing in the morning. and then the day is proceeded with about 50+ 1-liner emails that we shoot back and forth to each other during the course of the day. and the several phone calls that last a good 10+ minute. plus the numerous silly text messages that only contain "xoxo" that i never respond back to. but today, i think there were about half as many emails -mostly instigated by moi, 2 phone calls and 1 text message. and now i'm wondering, why is today any different than the other days?
i really hate being a girl sometimes.
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| what a girl wants, doesn't want, wants...after a defeating conversation with my ex, it becomes increasing clear that we're so wrong for each other. i don't know if it's bc i'm involving myself with island man but there is something he provides me that the ex never did. is it bad that i find myself building my own self worth via the eyes of island man? my ex is so hard to please. he says nobody is perfect but perfection is what he admires. island man sees me as a gorgeous, confident, playful, affectionate and intelligent woman. every conversation starts with either "'allo gorgeous" or "'allo beautiful" (bc he has that beautiful accent) and it makes me smile. is that vanity? i think i have a case of kong-ju byung (the princess illness)...
my ex on the other hand has a way of complimenting other people to me. and in my head it sounds more like a complaint, like "why can't you accomplish..." getting any sort of compliment out of my ex is near impossible, bc i don't fit the idea of perfection, in looks or accomplishments, etc. it begins to wear a person down. to the point where i feel like, what IS good about me? why do you want to be with me? maybe trying to be friends is a bad idea. i didn't want to lose the history, but it's frustrating bc he wants us to work out and every argument takes me one step further from him and closer to island man.
yet...
i don't know if i want to be with island man. i don't know how much i could trust him. minus the flattering gesture he made the other night, it's just hard to believe him sometimes. i can see a happy life with him but there's a fear of it blowing up in my face. it suddenly not being happy bc of his "island" ways getting between us. maybe i'm paranoid. but i just can't accept things for what they are, bc nothing is ever what they appear to be, especially since i just don't trust anyone now. and at the same time, i'm afraid i'll regret it if i don't find out what this is between us. maybe this is it, maybe not? i have to find out even if i get burned again... bc i'd rather know that not know.
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| progress?i can't believe we're already in june. where has this year gone? before i know it, it'll be a year since moving home and i feel as if i haven't really accomplished anything. it seems that just living has been difficult. i've made a few strides like losing most of my beer gut, got into a committed relationship with bank of america in order to buy my MINI, and took that spanish language class i've been meaning to do for years now. of course there are more (important) things i haven't yet accomplished...like finishing my website, figuring out what i want to do with my life or figuring out my love life or lack thereof. so i'm hoping to accomplish a few more things the remainder of this year. it feels kind of pathetic to be my age and have not figured out much and comparing it to my parents (and their generation) i still feel like a big kid who has yet to grow up. is that what being single is, never growing up?
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| seattle.my trip was too short, too much fun and too much food! i can officially say i've now been to seattle! a city i've been wanting to visit for a very long time. i can't wait to get back there... here are the pics! enjoy!
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| a night out. (finally)i drove to the next town over to have dinner with my childhood best friend. it was good to see her and catch up. she's one of the few friends i have kept in touch with since we all went to different colleges. it's her birthday weekend and i was happy to be a small part of it.
meanwhile...
i'm getting text messaged, phone called throughout the evening by mr. island man professing his love for me. it was kinda endearing even though i know he's on a rugby tour getting pissed (drunk) with the boys but the emotions are so much rawer and when your inhibitions are down, i feel, a lot of truth comes out. he says he's not really that drunk and he's been saying this for the last 2 weeks - which is true but not to the same magnitude - i still find it amusing and scary at the same time. if i choose to be with island man, i'll have to say goodbye forever to my first love. i know island man could make me really happy in ways that my first love wouldn't know how, but my first love really, really knows me. if only he could understand the emotional side of me as well as island man can.
it sounds so stupid now that i typed it all out.
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