A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast

And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

I am not sure why things continue to be what they are or why they persist on being so convaluded but that is what they are. There doesnt seem to be much that I can do about it. I have tried, I am trying...but its the same old dance for the same old song and the same ending. Do you ever feel like your life is like a book and you find yourself in the middle part that doesnt really move the plot or the character development anywhere, and it feels like the author was getting paid by the word and created a series of events which felt as though they had no rhyme or reason to being even a part of the book....some people say just keep reading and it will pick up, the plot will jump off the page and all those things you thought were pointless will suddenly take up meaning and resonate in your soul with purpose and resolve. I don't know if I buy into it. What if the stuff in the middle is just bull shit and has absolutley no meaning at all and simply exists because it exists? I really don't know. I think with life there is a possibility that portions of it that we live that we feel that we hurt through do not neccesarrily exist for us. I believe that the potential is there for parts of our lives to only have meaning for others and have no other significance for us than that we merely feel them and live thru them. I feel at this moment that, that is the state in which I am living. I look up to where my help comes from and I feel as though the doors are shut and the windows closed. There does not seem to be a light on and no matter how hard you knock or how loud you scream, you simply cannot be heard. You see the clock on the wall is ticking away the seconds of your life and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no paths to take. There are no options. The walls are crumblin down. You feel clostraphobic, trapped, maybe even fooled. You begin to question your thoughts, your motives, your beliefs. You question the purpose and point of your very existence and you come up with no answer. You feel as thouugh everyones answers are from the same book of 10 steps to finding Gods will. I do not have the answer. I do not have the ability to find the answer and I have yet to find someone who does. I look at the clock and the moments of my life slip away into eternity and I cannot stop them. I feel as though the things I do have no meaning, I feel like they are less than a tiny pebble dropped from the edge of cliff into the turbulant water beneath. In a few days I go to pa to work a job for a few weeks. over my head looms a deadline. on the day that expires I will be left with no home so that others may see Gods will fulfilled in their life. You know what about me, what about seeing God's will fulfilled in my life. Is that too much to ask? I have been patiently waiting, working as hard as I can to be responsible with what little I have. I have been trusting and doing those things that I know are good to do, even after everything that was put in my heart to do was ripped from before me and cast aside with no direction no inclination for what is next, for 8 months I have searched and scoured for answers and been left with none. So again I have to ask why is it okay for others to have doors opened and opportunities provided so that God's will can be traveled in thier life and yet for this to happen it pushes my journey deeper into the depths of no answers and hopeless cries? Please feel free to not post the typical christian dribble in response to what I am writing. I am not a mere baby on my early stages of growth in faith. I have been on my journey for well over 10 years and have been persitant in seeking Him first and walking so that He may be glorified. I do not want pitty or sympathy. I merely am trying to read between the lines that I am writing for myself. If I have not found the answer to these questions I doubt you have. The truth that I keep stumbling on is that the things I feel, see, and hear may have no answer at all, or if they do the answers are not for me to know and thats all there is to it.

Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
Cross the water and home through the town
Past the shadows that fall down wherever we meet
Pretty soon I won't come around
I'm almost drowning in her sea
She's nearly fallen to her knees
Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
Where all the bodies hang on the air
If she remembers, she hides it whenever we meet
Either way now, I don't really care

Cause I'm gone from there

I'm almost drowning in her seas
She's nearly crawling on her knees
She's down on her knees
Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
I'm just another rider burned to the ground

I come tumblin down

I'm almost drowning in her sea
She's nearly crawling on her knees
It's almost everything I need
I'm down on my knees
I'm down on my knees

I'm down on I'm down on my knee

I wish I just knew. Thats all. Nothing too hard or difficult. I just want to know what in the world I am supposed to do. IT's like the Lord opens these doors and I look at my choices and I pick. I then proceed with the choice which goes well for a while and then everything stops. No more choices, no more options, just simply do what you can to get by, do what you know is good to do, and that is it. What I thought I would be doing is so far beyond my reach that I cannot even concieve the possibility of even brushing against it with my fingers outstretched. The things that i love and have passion for feel muted and dull. I feel stifled, and stuck. And then i look at things from the financial prospective, Thats all I will say about that. I have followed, pursued, grabed onto and focused on what I am supposed to and yet I have no answers, I have no direction, I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing. So what do I do? The only thing I can: I do the things that I know are good to do and pray that God will shine his light and let me catch a glimpse of what I should be looking for. I long for close friends to be close. The people I have labored next to and ministered with to be near, the ones whose hearts ring with the thoughts, themes, and ideals that glow inside like mine to be face to face. Someday I will look back and see a clear cut path from where I was to where I will be and think man that was simple. However today is not that day and I am clueless as to when that day will show up.

Look to the skies my friends it is where our Help comes from.

seeking and searching, striving and strugling, looking and longing

Lord give me the ability to  continue to trust you and be faithful with that which is right at my hands.

Timing is everything and it is absolutely nothing at the same moment.

I know what you are thinking..."thats  a load of crap that your shoveling out there harry rob because that doesn't even make sense."

Well yes you would be right if you look at the statement in a purely mechanical way it is impossible for it to make sense. However, when you change your worldview glasses and take a gander at it from where I sit, it might make you hold on to your knickers.

The last year of my life has been a well thought out and meticulously implimented string of events. I can hear your laughter and scoffing from here so tone it down a minute and listen to the rest of the statement. It has been a plan that has and is continuingly being implemnted by God down to each tear that has been shed, every confusing turn, and by all means what my eyes can see as failures. Every detail crafted and layed out for me to walk through, choose through, and navigate through. I honestly can say that God has had this one timed out perfect. Myself on the other hand can't see to the end of the hour and feels at times frustrated, inadequate, run down, disheartend, and a fool, because my timeing has meant nothing at all. I had a plan--it failed, I had a back up plan--it failed, I had yet a third plan---it was demolished, now i have no plan and i am still okay. I am sure there are several out there that are like what the frick are you talking about and basically all I can say is that only those that have been bitten by the snake can tell you how it feels. I really don't have a clue about what lays just ahead on this path that I am traveling. I do know however that God is always in control and my careful timing doesnt mean shit(used for the strength of meaning to convey the actual term with the correct force which is most definetly not swearing).. if its not what the Lord has written in his daytimer and I am thankful that He does. So I continue to walk blindly into my future. Absolutley unsure of what lay just ahead and completly okay with it.

being only a mere mortal confines me to this finite mind and body that can only bear so much. I feel as though I have gone through my share of beatings recently only to feel as though they have not yet stopped. It is nice to not feel so alone as I had been. It is nice to feel the warmth of so many familiar things. I accept and acknowledge the plight that I have been in and yet I still feel as thought the answers are just beyond the grasp of my fingertips. They are still locked safely in a place that only the mind of God can reach them. At some point I am sure they will make their sweet escape and follow the path to my restless mind but I feel that won't be for some time. I feel as though God is teaching me something in this moment of my life but as to what that is I cannot say or even fathom because it is not what I would have thought or planned at all. I merely sit here and begin to do the only things that I know to do. Trust. Hope. Pray. Wait. and in His timing all things will be revealed and I will know exactly what it is that I am to do. Fortunatly I have Job's example to look upon and i know the futility to question God's actions as it would yield the same response from the Almighty as He gave so many years ago to Job. "Where were you when I formed the World?' and the beautiful truth in the answer to that is I was no where, I was a mere speck in the mind of the King of kings, and I am fortunate to have been that. So I will be patient and wait on the Lord for He is just and faithful and I need not be afraid of what I do not know for I know the One that knows what I do not.

Lord,

Lead me where you would have me go. Help me to see what you want me to. Aid my heart in its search for you.