June 15, 2013

  • For posterity, for His Glory

    On Monday, June 10, I found out that I had been bumped from my position at my school by a more senior teacher in our board. Everything in teaching is based on seniority first, and then qualifications. Someone who has my qualifications and even a day's more experience than me had taken my job, and they (the board, the union) hadn't found me a place to go in the fall.

    --

    I remember being in my classroom, starting my lesson, the Vice Principal and a supply teacher showing up to my door, being whisked to the Principal's office, seeing both him and the Union Rep sitting there, and having an envelope pushed at me across the table. My name. The board's logo. The end of my time as a teacher in that building coming to a quickly-approaching end. My heart shattering, my stomach bottoming out. Shock. No adrenaline, just pain.

    I sat in silence and stared at the envelope. Awkward silence. Disbelief. The principal and my union partner not knowing what to say. Me not knowing what to say. What can you possibly say? Being assured that there is a supply in my class who can stay as long as I need them to. The only thing I said in the meeting, the only words, "I'm going home."

    I cried. The union person held me, as I cried into his shirt. He took me to a better, more private place to cry than outside the staff washroom. I had to walk through the foyer of my dream school, past the door I entered almost 4 years ago, to the staff dining lounge where I cried some more, voiced my pain to my friend, and then back to my department office where I packed up for the day. I called my mom and wept through the phone, her weeping on the other end. I remember hanging up and jerking my eyes open, trying to wake myself up from this nightmare. I didn't wake up. It was real life.

    Barring some miraculous placement, I'm out of a job in September. I have only a handful of pay cheques left, and then.... and then?

    I cried all the way home. I shouldn't have been driving. Thoughts racing through my mind, I breathed (sniffed?) some relief: I'm lucky, I thought. I don't have a mortgage or kids, I don't have really big bills --- oh wait. My car loan! I realized then that money I'd saved in my Tax Free Savings Account (TFSA) will have to take a hit to pay off my car. I can't afford to have car payments with no pay cheque every two weeks. Ouch.

    The last time I cried that hard, practically heaving into my mother's chest, was when I failed my first practicum in Teacher's College, 4.5 years ago. Though that situation hurt more than anything prior, there was still hope. This feels hopeless. This hurts more than anything ever. A failed practicum you make up later in the year. A lost job... is a lost job. Unemployment. Ouch. Later in the day, lying on the couch, mom asked me if she could bring me anything, did I want a drink? "I want my job back..." ... tears. Endless tears. I asked my dad to come visit, to come for dinner; I needed both my parents. He did. He helped with perspective (as he'd been laid off from work in the early 90s). It's still so difficult.

    --

    I marked tests. I went to bed. I woke up. I've been on auto-pilot since, dealing with all the things working in a high school brings.

    A kid stole my USB on the same day that I was bumped. I dealt with the class, the kid, the cops, the parents, the Vice Principal all week. I heard 5.5 different stories from the kid about what happened to the USB.

    • On Monday, he said, "I don't have it!"
    • Tuesday morning, he said, "I put it back!"
    • On Tuesday afternoon he told his friend, and his friend told me, "He lost it!"
    • On Wednesday afternoon he told the police officer and me, "I'll bring it tomorrow morning"
    • On Thursday morning, he said, "I can't find it"
    • On Friday morning, he confessed that he threw it out.
    • The .5 part of the story is that he stole it on a dare.

    Big deal, right? Maybe, except that USB stored ALL of my courses, tests, exams, union documents, supply teacher letters, a few personal photos, video clips, test- and exam-review games, just basically my entire career, not to mention teachers college and specialist course materials. While most of that stuff is backed up elsewhere and I have paper-copies of almost all of it (except the review games), it's still MINE and it was still STOLEN. Kid wasn't charged, but kid now does have a notation on both his school record and a police record for a "caution". Officer said that if he so much as sneezes in the wrong direction, he'll never get the benefit of the doubt again.

    --

    Here's something I wrote on Monday, the day of my bumping:

    In the past when friends have gone through tribulations and trials, I have given the advice that they must give thanks to God because He is doing a work in them and is about to give them something even better than they are asking or hoping for. So I will trust in The Lord with all my heart and I will not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways and in all things that come my way, I will acknowledge His greatness and omnipresence, His unending and infallible love for me, and wait on His perfect timing to direct my path to where He needs me most. I will give thanks and be glad in all the ways He has saved me, and I will allow His hand to pull me out of this, since I can do all things through He who strengthens me, and can do nothing without Him.

    I am more thankful for my salvation than I am angry about what's happening. I love God more than I love my job. I must keep my eyes on Him, and listen to hear what He's trying to tell me. I will choose Him above anyone or anything else, I just have to live it and trust, even when it's this hard. This tribulation must be used for HIS glory, not for my selfish human purposes.

    So here's what I know is true:

    I may or may not have a job in September, but I will always have Jesus.

    Though I am scared about what my life is about to look like, the Lord will always provide. I am His, and He will not give me or allow for me anything more than I can handle.

    My God is bigger than losing my job. He gave me this one, He can take it away. He is doing a work in me. I am being refined, I'm being moulded. I am being pulled back to Him after boasting in my own works, my own savings, my own knowledge. I must boast in Him, and in nothing else. I must give Him the glory for the wonders in my life, because it is Him who has given me everything, and it is through Him that I can do all that I do.

    My entire time at my job has been a witness to my faith - and God must be glorified in this. I have prayed out loud in front and for four non-believers and each and every single prayer was answered, and they saw it happen. I ran the Christian Club at my school.

    My friends, my family, my colleagues and some of my students need to see me at this breaking point, with nowhere to go, no one to Save me, because when there is no hope, when there is nothing but weakness, God is made strong. HE WILL BE GLORIFIED IN THIS, I know it.

    Fear is not of God. I was not made to be afraid or worried. I must put my life and my career, and my hopes and dreams and needs and finances in His hands. They are His to give, His to protect, and His to take away.

    I have said time and again this week that teaching is my whole life. I need to make God my whole life.

    --

    What's been revealed:

    I woke up this morning thanking God for this week, as awful as it was. For He knows the plans He's made for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, and I'm waiting on finding out what that Plan is.

    After being awake for a little while, a telemarketer from one of my banks called to offer me an American Express card (I'd been pre-approved, y'know!) I told him that I may have lost my job this week and didn't need another credit card. He went almost into a tail-spin and told me that he'd worked at TD in HR and had been involved in laying off even senior executives. He said, "It's a small world, and many times I have bumped into those people on the streets, in restaurants, and 100% of the time they have told me that it was the best thing that ever happened to them." He told me that he wished me well, that I just needed to be positive, and that he just knew that no matter what happened, that if the big "if" happens, that it will be OK. It was not a religious or spiritual conversation at all, but I heard the message loud and clear. God spoke to me through someone else, just as I needed to hear it.

    Thank you, God. Thank you for having plans for me and my life. Thank you, God, for loving me, for giving me hope in the middle of a very dark time.

    Wherever I end up (and my specific prayer is that I will be pulled back to my current school, but again, God's will be done...), it will be even better than I expect, even if it doesn't feel that way. Perhaps God is in the motion of sending me my future husband! Perhaps he's taking me on a totally new route. I'm not sure, but I will not fear because I know that the spirit is working overtime on my heart -- to keep me calm, to protect me, and to prepare me for what's coming; the Spirit is pleading on my behalf already, and God knows my heart intimately. Who better to be in charge?

    I will wait on the Lord.


    Finally, James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel sent this scripture out Friday. How timely. Thank you God.

    "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.”
    —Isaiah 43:2-5

    xo Heather

November 23, 2009

  • Sometimes I'll be sitting, or driving, or just doing busy-work, and an overwhelming feeling comes over me. I'll be going about my day, and then suddenly it's like this heavy, thick wave covers me, and my mind goes directly to God and how thankful I am to be His.

    Just now I was sitting here at the computer, procrastinating my planning for tomorrow, listening to music, and I was hit with that wave. It brought me to tears.

    I thought about when I received news in January that my grandma, my most favourite person in the world, had suffered a massive heart attack, and was in the hospital, getting prepped for a quadruple by-pass surgery, and how I dropped to my knees and asked that God's Will be done, and that He prepare me and my family to deal with whatever was coming our way. I remembered the peace that came over me, this knowledge that I had, that my grandma was going to be fine, and that my job was to give her the message, to lead her to the Lord, and ensure that she was returned to Him. I remember bringing her her Bible, sitting at her hospital bedside, chatting as if we were sitting in the livingroom at her house, and praying with her, holding her hand and letting her know that she wasn't alone.

    I remember sitting in the waiting room of the hospital with my family members on the day of the surgery, waiting for gram to be rolled into the ICU, and going in to see her all wrapped up and with tubes and wires, praying the entire time that God would keep and protect her, and give her the strength she needed to get through such a serious surgery.

    I remember when I visited her a couple of days after the surgery and saw how strong she was, how sore she was, and I remember being so in awe of her, and so thankful to God that He'd protected her so graciously and gracefully. She had no pain!

    A couple of weeks after she'd been home, she sat down to write a thank-you email to her friends who'd sent their best wishes over email, in cards and flowers, and telephone calls. She was so amazed by how many people loved her and wished her the best, and then she added the following, smack-dab in the middle of the email:

    A special part for me was "Heather", the youngest member of our family, she was my spiritual booster, hand holding evening prayers making me know that when I entered that OR room in the wee early hours of Jan. 21st that I didn't go alone, someone was walking along side that gurney with me  --  was comforting to me

    Melt my heart, why don't you?

    My grandma is going strong, living and loving life, and it's because God's hand is on her life. I am so thankful for all the prayers He's answered - from saving my grandma, to healing my broken heart, to handing me this job on a silver platter. I am so thankful for my life, my days, my family and friends, my job, my car, my music, the food I eat and all I get to experience because of who He is.

    How I wish everyone could know and love God the way that I do.

    Heather

November 15, 2009

  • I am busier, more exhausted and dealing with more stress than I ever have before in my life

    AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

October 25, 2009

  • When school finished in the Spring, everyone was worried about finding a job. Stress levels were high, some people had gotten on the list for my city's school board, but most people hadn't. It didn't look good for me, because I was about 4 months behind everyone else, in terms of my applications being sent in. The horrid experience I'd gone through with my first placement had made an impact on when and where I could apply for jobs. But, by the time school ended I had 2 great evaluations in my possession, and a half dozen references that would be willing to gloat about me, should a principal call them. But, how's a principal going to call my references unless I get an interview? And how am I going to get an interview if a) there are no jobs being posted, and b) I'm not on the Eligible to Hire list in Toronto? The situation, to the untrained eye, was hopeless.

    But I had a peace about it. I wasn't worried about not finding a job. I knew it would happen eventually, and that teaching is what I was meant to do. I knew I would get a job eventually, but I had no idea where and I had no idea for what subjects I'd end up teaching, and I didn't know if it would be in the fall, or next year, or if it would be a permanent position or a Long Term Occassional (LTO). There were so many unknowns, and yet, there was this peace that allowed me not to stress or freak out about my future employment. Truth be told, it hardly crossed my mind. I would check job postings every morning and every afternoon, but that was about it.

    This was a difficult summer for me in many respects, following The Breakup. I had some difficulty and struggled a bit, moving on, getting over, putting the past behind me. I got to watch The Ex turn into someone else over the internet, and that experience provided me with a jumble of emotions - I was confused and a little hurt, that he didn't seem to look back, but I was also relieved that he wasn't "mine" and I didn't have to worry about him "going astray" while he was away for the summer, overseas. The reasons for our breakup lingered, however, and I became quite disenchanted with my faith, and I developed this passive-aggressive attitude and I detached myself  when it came to my relationship with God. I took every opportunity I could to proclaim my misunderstanding of His law, my disagreement with it, my frustration with it, and I would tell anyone who would listen that I was following blindly - not because I agreed, but because I had to.

    Needless to say, I was doing what I was told out of obedience, out of my fear of God, not because I believed that God's rule was what's best for me. I didn't believe that His rule was what was best for me - and again, I told everyone who would listen. Rebellion was my middle name there, for a while.

    All summer long I attended a Bible Study, the same as last summer - same girls, same location, different book. We read Romans, for the record. One of the Bible Study group members is one of the most passionate Christians I know, and I learned from her this summer the power of humble and bold prayer. We have a routine at our sessions that at the end we offer prayer requests, each asking for a specific prayer (or two), and then we pray for each other. My prayer requests this summer were kind of all over the place in terms of what I was asking for, but I guess in terms of "prayer requested most often" it was for a job in the fall. The girls were very good about asking that I be placed where God wanted me to be, and that I would have patience, but most of all, Trust in Him.

    On my own, outside of the study, I was following the lead of that passionate group member I mentioned. I didn't know how to start, but each night I told God how undeserving I knew I was, that after all He's blessed me with that I knew I had nerve to ask for more, but I said, "Lord, as humbly as I possibly can, I kneel before You, BOLDLY asking, in the name of Jesus, alongside the Holy Spirit, for a job in the Toronto board. Father, You know my heart, and only You know the plans You have for me. If You need and want me in the board, Father, find a way to put me there. I'm not on the list, Lord, but you know where my strengths lie, and you know what subjects I want, and you know where I can make the most impact and change. Father, Your will be done. Amen."  I prayed this as often as I could, every time I remembered. Before bed every night.

    September rolled around. Labour Day. Then the first day of school. No job. Not an interview, not a call. I registered in another AQ course, Intermediate English, that was to start the last Tuesday in September. I figured, if I'm jobless, I may as well be productive in terms of my qualifications.

    Mid-September, a job posting came up that was perfectly suited to me, in a board just outside of Toronto. I'd done a placement at the school and in the department that the posting was for. It was for Fashion (sewing) and History. Both my teachables. I knew the school, the community, the kids, and my potential department head - she was my Associate Teacher, and one of my references on my resume. I knew I'd have support at the school if I got the job. But I felt sick when the posting came up, as well as the opportunity to apply to it, because it looked like it was perfect for me.... but it didn't feel right and I didn't want it. I straight up didn't want to teach there. I didn't want those subjects. And here it was, a job, a PAYING TEACHING JOB, practically on a silver platter, catered especially for me. I applied twice: once to the school through email, and once through sending my resume and cover letter to my AT at her request, so she could put it on the principal's desk herself. I prayed about it HARD. I prayed, "Lord, You know my heart. If it's for me, it will happen. If it isn't, Father, don't even let me get an interview. Above all else, Your will be done." And then I waited. And waited. And I never got a phone call, not even for an interview. It wasn't meant to be. Praise God. I never had a peace about it. I had anxiety, I had fear, I had dread at the thought of working there - not because of the school, its staff, the students... just because it didn't feel right for me.

    Around this time, I had a chat with my friend about her sister. Without getting into any very specific details, she explained to me how her sister was suffering because she hadn't been repentant about her wicked, sinful ways. She knew God loved her, that she was forgiven and saved, but she wasn't humble enough to admit her wrongdoing, actually convinced she had done no wrong, or perhaps unwilling to apologize for something she didn't feel bad for. It was then that something clicked in me. I realized what I had done. I realized that I followed God's will for me during The Breakup, and that I had taken pride in being a witness to The Ex, and in following God instead of The World when I had to make a tough decision. But I realized that I had done a lot of damage. During the months following The Breakup, even at Bible Study, I did damage to my witness of God's action in my life. With each mention of how much I disagreed with His rules, with each proclamation that I felt it wasn't fair, that it was wrong, that it was stupid (oh yes, I said it), I was spitting on that witness, of all He's done for me, and I was tearing all the blocks I'd assembled down, doing more damage and destruction than good. I hadn't praised God for getting me out of a [spiritually] dangerous situation, instead I'd spit in His face. This clicked and my prayer focus changed; I started to repent, which BY THE WAY is incredibly difficult and embarrassing. It was the best thing God's ever revealed to me.

    I started my course. I went to the dentist for the last time before my insurance expired under my dad's health plan. I turned 25 on October 4th, and that was the day I was on my own, health insurance-wise. I was no longer a dependent of my parents by law, and yet here I was asking them to help me pay my credit card bill.

    On October 7th, I got a phone call from someone who said they were calling on behalf of the Toronto board and a school [not named here, kthanks]. She said she had my resume in front of her, that their school was looking for a History/Family Studies/English teacher. She called to ask if I'd be interested in doing a board interview and a job interview, a two-in-one deal (to get me on the Eligible to Hire so that if they wanted me, they could hire me). When I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor and swallow my heart from out of my throat, and scrape my brain matter off the ceiling and mold it back into a cohesive unit suitable for re-placement within my cranium, I said, "Of course I would!" We set the interview time for the following day, 24 hours later, at 2:30 on October 8th. I went to dinner and a movie that night with my Yest Friend to celebrate my birthday, and then I came home and studied my rear off for the interview.

    I went to the interview the next day a ball of nerves. I felt thisclose to death, convinced anxiety was going to kill me. I prayed my entire way to the school, about 25 minutes away by car. I prayed that the questions I'd studied the night before would be the ones they asked me. I prayed that I wouldn't pass out. I walked into the school, praying. And as I sat in the main office, waiting for the interview, my anxiety went away. I was at home; it felt right. I knew this job was mine. I went into the VP's office and nailed the interview. I'd been lucky enough to have the interview questions sent to me by a friend who'd been through the process - and each question I'd studied for was asked of me. The VP told me that it depended on how quickly the board worked, but it could be as early as the next day when they would call to let me know their decision. I walked out happy, fulfilled, confident, but so in awe of what had transpired over 24 hours, and completely amazed at how quickly my life was changing.

    The job was for a permanent, full-time, contract position teaching History (the course that made me want to be a teacher), English (the course I'm taking online right now), and Social Science (not sewing, not nutrition). All these, and in the board that was my number one choice.

    On my drive home from the interview, I opted to go to Church to praise God with my pastor, instead of going straight home. He needed to know how forcefully God was working in my life, because he'd been there through almost everything that had gone on over the past 6 or 7 months. I told him the story, we prayed together, and then I went home. I got home at about 4:40. At 5:25 the phone rang, and the call display said the name of the school. The VP was on the other end, and she said, "I guess the board is working very quickly because they know I want to offer the position to someone right away. They've processed your responses, and I'd like to offer you the position". Without a word of a lie, the first words out of my mouth were, "ARE YOU KIDDING?" She assured me she wasn't, and after I gleefully accepted the position, she explained the process of paper work at the board, and congratulated me, and told me I'd had glowing reviews from the reference of mine she'd called.

    When I hung up, I danced downstairs to the livingroom to tell mom and Wayne. We cried tears of absolute joy. My life hasn't been the same since.

    This, my friends, was an answer to a very specific prayer. Everything I wanted, everything I hoped for, is mine. This was an impossible situation, that was never going to happen for me. I wasn't on that list. I knew no one in a position of authority who could pull strings for me. People, these are the exact, specific things I prayed for! This is prayer answered! This is everything I wanted! This is why God gave me peace in the Spring, because this job was meant for me, but that it would have to be in His perfect timing.

    The Lord is good, my friends.

    I am teaching the subjects I love, and I'm at a school that is filled, top to bottom with the most incredible, supportive, and helpful staff. Everyone is SO NICE. The kids are sweet (they're still warming up, but have been nothing but nice and respectful) and I'm on a learning curve so steep that I'm learning something new every hour. I love it. I love every minute of it. I don't love the anxiety that I get some days, but it goes away when I walk in the front doors of the school. I'm blessed, my friends. Everything is wonderful, and all the glory, all the praise, goes to my God. Through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

    STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE.

    xo Heather

September 26, 2009

  • We're closing in on the end of September, and I'm still jobless. It's OK.

    I mean, it's not OK, but it's still OK, y'know? It's incredibly frustrating to not be on the eligible to hire list in my city, meaning I can't get a job within the city bounds. I've been keeping my eyes on the boards that are on the periphery of Toronto, but the jobs that I'm qualified for are just not being posted. In the past month and a half, two have been posted that met my qualifications, and I've applied to both. I did not get an interview for either.

    I say it's OK because in the grand scheme of things, it is. God is waiting to put me where He needs me, and I'm willing to wait for that. He knows me better than I know myself, and I trust Him more than I trust myself, too. Not having a job has allowed me to register in a course that will make me more marketable and attractive to hiring principals than other applicants. Starting Monday I will be taking an Additional Basic Qualification (ABQ) course in Intermediate English. This means that I will be able to teach English to students in grades 7-10. I intend to take the Senior English course eventually. Many high school teachers have Additional Qualifications (AQs), but not many have more than two Basic Qualifications, since you need to have two Basic Qualifications ('teachables'), in order to do high school teacher education in Ontario. I'm lucky that I took so many different courses in my undergrad and 'extra' year, because those courses have allowed me to have multiple basic qualifications!

    Anyway, as I said, the course starts Monday. I'm looking forward to it.

    I'm a little down tonight, because I'm feeling lonely and anxious. I'm worried and/or disturbed by some things, but they'll pass. It's going to be OK.

    xo Heather

January 8, 2008

  • If God brings you to it, He will bring you through
    it.

    Happy moments, praise God.

    Difficult moments, seek
    God.

    Quiet moments, worship God.

    Painful moments, trust
    God.

    Every moment, thank God.

December 8, 2007

  • NP.LWS.

    stability. rationality. honesty. kindness. openness. gentleness. support. understanding. reliability. respect. trust. unconditional. accessible. genuine. fulfilled. mutual. important. love.

    such comforts in my life.

February 22, 2007

December 18, 2006

  • There's a Giraffe out my Window!

    When I lay in bed, I can see a giraffe out my bedroom window... can you see it?

    How about now:

    Still can't see it? Here! An outline! Including ears, and those horn-things on top of their heads! And look, the leaves left on the tree even look like its spots!

    It brings joy to my days. Not going to lie.

    xo Heather

October 28, 2006

  • Before I get to the homework that I have neglected all week, I wanted to say how relieved I am, how happy I am, and how excited I am.

    This week has been such an eye-opening and positive experience. I am so glad that things have fallen into place finally, and that the week at Wex has cemented my desire to become a teacher. Teaching is really really what I want to do with my life. I want to take part in all of it - the classrooms, the relationships with students, the marking, the planning of lessons, the friendships with other teachers, the stress of learning what works and what doesn't with different classes, the politics of the school, the frustrations, the union.... everything. I am so relieved to know FOR SURE that this is what I want to do with my life. Finally.

    I am so excited about it. I have been trying to organize my thoughts around applying to teachers colleges, because there is a lot to do for the applications; I'm not worried, but it is a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of organization is needed in terms of due dates, fees, what forms get sent to who and where and everything else. I'm happy that I know what I want to, and that I want to do it so badly... so much so, that I'm not getting discouraged about my chances of getting in. I am happy that I have this drive to make it happen, no matter how much extra schooling is needed or how many extra hours of volunteering are needed. I will make it work.

    Anywhoo, I have to get to this assignment (due Monday), and then the readings and response to them (also due Monday) so I will be off... but ... yay for everything else in life!

    xo Heather

    PS. I think this is the most positive I have ever been this close to November lol