Dude, I'm sleepy.  Had this super full weekend that I kept meaning to blog about while it was happening, but then spent all the time I wasn't doing stuff sleeping!  Friday I spent all day with my mom doing a fun Mother's Day early celebration - we went to this great gem/rock shop and got a bunch of fun beads and different stones, then came back to her apartment and played all afternoon making really awesome jewelry - she's got all the tools - tiny needlenose plyers for wire-wrapping, and we had a blast.  She's really into it, but this was my first time - but this is just the best way to make jewelry - I love this kind of natural necklaces and earrings, and now I know how to do it myself!

Isn't my mom a cutie?  I'm sure there will be many more jewelry making adventures in the future.  It's addictive. 

Then on Saturday, D and I got to go on a nice long afternoon date, ate out at Olive Garden, then saw Iron Man, which we enjoyed.  And when we got back, D decided he'd go camping with Joseph in the back yard.  Joseph was BEYOND ecstatic - seriously, the kid was just jumping up and down and shrieking the whole afternoon once Dragos told him they'd be doing it that night.  So they set up the tent in the back yard, went and bought some steaks, then came back and we grilled (and made smores while the fire was still going), then grilled.  By this point it was like 10 o clock, and Joseph was having a blast running around with the flashlight. 

They finally went to 'bed' in the tent around midnight, reading stories by flashlight.  Of course, Joseph was too excited to sleep, and was just jumping around the tent, so they finally came in at about 2 to sleep in thier beds.  D figures in about another year maybe they'll be able to make it through the night, when Joseph is 4 and a half.  Still, it was so much fun, and Joseph has been chattering excitedly about it since.  I have pictures of them with the tent, but they aren't uploaded yet.  It was so damn adorable, classic dad/son stuff.

I hacked my hair!  And don't worry, I like it a lot.  I hadn't had it "long" in years, and it was starting to get on my nerves.  Plus, it was so over-processed I had to spend a ton of time trying to tame it and make it look like normal people hair.  I had several people ask me if it was a hair piece because it looked so fried and unnatural toward the ends.  So I decided over the weekend to take the scissors to it.

Here's the starting length:

And the big cut - I had Dragos go at it with our nice sharp kitchen scissors, and it still took him a fair amount of time chopping before it came off.  Personally, I'm amused by the delight on my face in this next picture:

I cut some more to shape it.  Here's the finished product:

I need D to take some more pics of the back, because I just snapped this tonight at work and couldn't get the back very well.  It's also two different lengths (on purpose) which you can't really see here.  So, more pics later!  I love change!

• Bah!  Analyzing poetry is kicking my ass.  Not so much the "getting" what the poem is trying to say, but trying to express that in a response to these damn questions I have to answer feels like repeatedly beating my head into a wall.
• I submitted one lesson (of 11) and got a 93 on it, which I got all upset about.  I do believe the academic perfectionism of my youth is coming back.  I need to make A's in these classes, not just almost-A's, or barely-A's. I also need to chill the fuck out.
• I went out and had the most fabulous night I've had in a long time last night - laughing and discussing life philosophy with Amy.  We both read the same book, The Bride Stripped Bare, and had very different reactions to it, which, as we discussed, we realized pointed to the different ways we view the world (she believes that human nature is essentially good, while I'm finding that it has more ugly aspects than I ever expected when I was younger).  At the same time, I want to believe that a mitigated version of Happily Ever After can be possible, all evidence to the contrary.
• Joseph went to daycare for the first time yesterday, and loved it.  I was preparing for the worst when I went ot pick him up at 5, and they were out in this great shaded playground out back, and he didn't want to leave!  He was excited to wake up and go back this morning.
• Every time I read the word shittake mushrooms, I do a double take, because I swear it looks like shitcakes.

Back at work, Monday, Monday.  A spectacular lack of motivation has struck, and talking to the always wise Amy, she mentioned that maybe I should just take a week off from trying to work on school, or the novel, or any expectations of myself.  Which is hard for me, because I feel like every little hour of productivity I can squeeze in here and there between work, tiredness, and kiddo MUST be used well.  As my life is opening back up after the cave years of being very ill with cfs and baby on top of it, I find myself longing for the peace of that time. 

And then this past year, pushing the boundaries of my energy and my body, bit by bit scrambling for a larger life, gaining ground, drawing back, pushing forward again.  Now, with school, next year going on campus, the semester after starting grad school, probably eventually trying to get an assistantship - all the competitiveness inherent in that whole world, all the work expected from me, with the end goal of going out and getting a teaching job.  God it all sounds exhausting to me, well, and at times thrilling and exciting.

The class I'm taking now is independent study, which I think is part of my problem.  I'm better with deadlines, I think.  And the class is kind of vague - like, with each lesson, you are supposed to write a 300 word essay on these vague topics (women's role, disillusionment, etc), and you are supposed to have a thesis statement, with optional extra resources and works cited.  I mean, what the crap.  I just haven't had the energy to try to fight through it to get something down.  I kept trying, and ended up writing a two page summary that really said nothing.  Bleh.  At least I finally got my hands on the textbook.

In the meantime, I'm taking Amy's advice, and have taken the past three nights off - watching BBC versions of Persuasion, and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall both of which I really, really enjoyed.  I got Netflix again so I could have unhindered access to these kinds of movies it's too hard to find at local rental places.  And I took a break from reading high-brow modernist lit, and read a YA vampire book called Frostbite, and a book Amy suggested that was really amazing, and brutally honest about sex and marriage in a way I haven't come across before, called The Bride Stripped Bare.  I read the two books in two nights, and it was wonderfully lush and enjoyable.

EDIT: Best Feeling in the Universe: stepping in the door and climbing into bed after taking child to daycare, after working a nightshift.

Seriously.  I'm sure I'm obnoxious to be around.  I just went to writer's group and swear I was grinning and giggling like a nut, and they're all sure I'm on some form of meth.  But I'm just so damn happy lately.  I woke up smiling this morning, laughed out loud with my kid in the car, was excited to get out and about.  I think it's a combination of things -

• The biggest is having some real direction for my near future - and knowing I'll be able to start grad school next spring is huge. 
• Getting to take actual concrete steps toward said future in my online class I'm taking, and I'm officially registered for two classes on campus for the Fall
• Having crazy creative energy with the novel
• Having this renewed appreciation for my husband, who all of the sudden, I am re-realizing how fucking fantastic this man is, on so many different levels and facets. I was thinking yesterday, that my marriage isn't just about this decision I made seven years ago to marry him, when frankly, I was a very different person with very different motivations.  Even today, he would still be the one that I would choose over anyone else.  Somehow the idea that I would continually choose him just really hit me - and that's how you keep a marriage fresh over decades, I think.  It's an active choosing, not just something I chose in the past.

• You finish the book and want to start it over from the beginning
• You decide to write your own novel emulating it
• You actually sit down and write 45,000 words of aforementioned novel in a month
• And last, but not least, you track down every film version made that you can get your hands on, which in this case, is SIX.

Now, a film version of Jane Eyre can only be as good as it's two main characters, Jane and Rochester, and let me tell you, only one or two of these film Janes have gotten it right.  I mean, I get it - Jane Eyre is supposed to be this extremely passionate woman, but who has trained herself to appear subdued appropriate and stoic to her station.  And Rochester has to come off as appropriately bastardly and ugly, but still intriguing and with an inner goodness.

In order of Heather Decreed Awesomeness:

This version is perfection, no one else even comes close.  The emotional revolution in Jane is awesome to watch, and Rochester is appropriatly dark, tortured, and sexy:

                     Masterpiece Theatre BBC 2006 Version (4 hours), Ruth Wilson, Toby Stephens

This was the last version I saw, and I really didn't think it would blow my socks off, frankly, because it was made in 1944.  But when I realized that Rochester was played by none other than Orson Welles, and the screenplay adapted by Aldous Huxley, I knew I had to see it.  And damn if Welles wasn't maybe the best, sexiest Rochester of the whole damn bunch.  And Joan Fontaine was really good as Jane.  Pretty awesome.

                       1944 Version, Orson Welles, Joan Fontaine (2 hours)

Now, here's the thing with this version, the only modern mainstream film version: I don't like William Hurt, and I thought I would hate him as a romantic lead.  But damn if I wasn't completely wrong.  He's still young enough when this version was made (1992), and he really captures the sarcasticly inviting side of Rochester.  Jane, however, could have been played by a board and it would have come across about the same kind of emotional development as Charlotte Gainsburg did with this role.  I mean, her face just doesn't move, and we have the problem that most of the rest of the Jane's in film do - we just don't see anything in her, especially nothing that would make the fiery Rochester even bother to be interested by her.  The actresses don't manage to put off that vibe of a subdued passionate spirit - they just seem subdued.

                       1992 Version, William Hurt and Charlotte Gainsburg (2 hours)

The next version was a BBC 1973 version, and the sets felt like it was a play, but I was surprised by how fun the Rochester was, and Jane wasn't terrible, though she was annoying as hell by the end, and pretty dull.

                      1973 BBC Version (6 hours)

This version should have been higher, indeed, when I ordered it off Ebay because I thought I'd want to own it, I certainly had high hopes for it.  I mean, Samantha Morton!  And Ciaran Hinds, I mean, I've seen him in other stuff, and he's a good actor.  But he should never, never, NEVER be a romantic lead.  Or at least not in a role which he yells a lot, like he does here, because he has this screetching high pitched voice that could peel paint, it is so damn annoying.  I don't even see how Jane can stand to be in the same room with him, much less want to make out with him.  Plus, he has this really bad mustache.  I mean, I get that Rochester is supposed to be ugly, but that ugly, and old, and with screechy tenor voice?  Too much.  Samantha Morton was good as Jane, in fact, better than both the two above, but it doesn't even matter with screechy yelling ugly guy.

                      1997 A&E Version, Samantha Morton, Ciaran Hinds (2 hours)

Now, I was a child of the 80's, and my dad loved James Bond - i.e., I saw a lot of the Timothy Dalton era Bond movies, and I loved every one of them.  So I was prepared to like this version.  But it was absolutely atrocious - the absolute worst.  I don't know if it is just because the Jane is SO bad.  I mean, really, really, REALLY bad.  So I don't know if it's just that it would not be possible to ever have chemistry with a Jane that badly played, but Dalton comes off as pretty over-played and absolutely unbelievable (and not in a good way).  I sat through all 6 excruciating hours of this, hoping it would get better.  It never did.

                       1983 Version, Timothy Dalton, Zelah Clarke (6 hours)

Ahhhhh, finally - the internet's been out all night, and I've about had a conniption not being able to get online as this is my usual beginning of the week lounge in the blog-world and get caught up with everybody!  I just went to send an email for work, and lo and behold, it was finally working, so I dropped what I was doing and ran over here to blog in case the connection jumps ship again.

Thanks for all your great wishes for my school!  Even better news, I hunted around and found 2 classes I can take online from Texas Tech of all places, accredited and 3000 level courses in Lit. And they are more independent study type classes, so I can just go as fast as I want through them, and they are still 3 credit hours and accredited and all that good stuff!!!  Which means I don't have to do devil summer school on-campus, five days a week for a month.  I was thrilled when I found it last night, and got registered for the thing, and lickety-split, I'm in the class!  I even made a quick run to HalfPrice books ten minutes before they closed last night to buy some books for the first class - Modern and Contemporary American Literature. 

First up is The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway, which I pretty much read most of tonight (since I was sans internet and actually had to do something  instead of fart on the internet).  I'm liking Hemingway much more than I thought I would - mainly for his great writing style more than the actual story.  It's this short, very real, almost journalistic with small details style.  But I love that kind of voice, and his observations of characters are just scathing and perfect and to the point.

Plus, I'm just thrilled down to my socks to be able to GET STARTED!!!  To feel like I'm finally participating in making tangible steps toward my future!  THRILLED, I TELL YOU!  Hopefully I'll finish it this morning, and start working on the essay response!! 

I LOVE BEING A STUDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!