Over the years I've often asked myself what was the point...I'd sit and watch the people with their expressionless faces walk by one after the other.  I would wonder what each of these represented, a whole set of relationships, circumstances, strugles, dreams, even a reality - each placing a mark in history contributing to the culture, the society that added to the grand story which had begum so long ago.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own story I forget the kajesty of the big story.  Each soul holds a unique perspective of the world that cannot be even completely held by the one closest to her, so how much different is my perspective of reality then one I haven't the slightest connection to?  and yet through it all there is one great reality that no human can wrap their mind around.  This story could not be written, or should I perhaps say played out, without those who came before, those that are now, and those that are to come.  The reaosn being because this reality is based on relationship - the foundation of the story is this - thus the connections made between sould are what enable the story to even exist.  Therefore without each soul their would be gaps, blank spots in the story which would create a reality other than the one that I assume exists. That is if indeed there is an overal connection or connector hol\ding together all these thousands of years.

Then as I continure to watch the people I wonder how my perspective on reality would change if I made a connection with one of them.  The coarse of my own life would take a turn however small or large but it would also contribute a piece to the plot of the grand story.  I've also come to a conclusion that not only is relationship part of the foundation of the story and of life, it is also the motivation to continue living.  The purpose of human activity, or the core of continued existence is fueled byt the desire for relationship or the need to be connected to other souls.  therefore I wonder if herein lies the root of my despair as I watch what I consider pointless activity take place.  Because sometimes humans engage in fillers which rather than strengthening relations hinder them, and it frustrates me to knowingly watch people destroy exactly what their soul actually craves.

Such a common and shared feeling amongst most humans in lonliness.  This state comes not from the lack of physical appearance or surounding of other humans in ones world but rather from the lack of conection between souls.  Acording to human activity people seem to at least subconsiously know they need relationship, unfortunetly the problem seems to lie in the fact that most humans don't understand how to reach the deep level of intimacy they desire, and so lonliness and emptyness settle.  Perhaps part of the curse of man brought on by the fall is this state of lonliness.  Adam and Eve were the first perfect relationship.  They were created to be connected as one, to be a witness to each toher's lives.  Yet they were also the first broken relationship.  Fear and greed worked hand in hand to cause sin which in turn through selfish interest (rather than selflessly looking out for the well-being of the fellow soul) severed the perfectly beautiufl connection.  therefore because from that point on every human has been fallen, blemished, and broken it is impossible for us to reach perfect intimacy.  And because this is exactly what we were created to desire and yet cannot achieve despite our seeking and grueling efforts - the consequence or curse is lonliness and even wistfulness.

I also think this applies to the relationship God desires to have with us.  People sometimes claim that this lonliness or emptyness can be 'cured' or 'fixed' by filling oursleves up with our relationship with God.  But I believe that just as the relationship between man and woman was broken so was the perfect, intimate relationship between amn and God broken. Therefore i do not believe this craving for perfect intimacy will or could ever be quenched in this life.  herein lies the death that was promised to humanity in conqequence to our disobedience.  This does not mean that one cannot find a lasting joy.  I just do not believe this joy is found in fully sinding what the soul desires but rather in the sure knowing and hoping and waiting in eager anticipation of the day when that perfect craving for true intimacy is met.

Until then people will always be broken, and relationships will always be bittersweet full of pain and joy.  Until then people will continue to come and go, continue to engage in meaningless activity, continue to not only foolishly brake but sometimes destrpy intimacy.  Until then unfortunetly (but not bitterly so because without this experience of pain now, I might not fully feel the beauty of the perfect human experience later) I will be one fo these people, though I continue to seek with all my soul the fullfillment of my desire.  Until then the grand story continues to wage.  Until then sorrow and suffering will be our constant sompanions and we can either learn to embrace them as a determiner in the direction of our inner existence or die fighting them in bittenress, anger , selfpity and resnetment masked in courage, bravery and strength.

Until that day I just keep living.

Heres some pictures i want you guys to see! of some friends and of my beautiful baby girl!

Manuel, Hilliary, Leo, Mayra, me, Lorena (my baby), Megan

My beautiful adorable baby girl, Lorena who I love with all my heart My cat Pebbles

The pacific ocean at sunset...one night I saw dolphins jumping under the sun at this time of day

My friend Rick

Me, Hilliary and Alissa

baby Lorena again

The visitor centre and giftshop

Noemie (roomate) and Mayra

(back row of workers) Cassie, Noemie, Sharon, Queta, Alissa (front Row of kids) Lorena, Roy, Mayra, Dana, Moises, Leo.

Alissa and Roy

Me repeling, Rick teaching me

And we have tons more pictures but I think that gives a good idea of what its like!  I will start posting pictures more because I have my own laptop so its much easier to do that.

Heather

Well Here I am.  I've been here 3 weeks now.  jess told me that if I made it through three weeks that I am all set to go.  About half way through these weeks I sincerely questioned her sidom but now that its hit I see what she means.  I've settled into a rythem, a routine that is becoming quite comfortable.  It's actually quite amazing how I can adapt so quickly.  When I actually consider and observe my suroundings and situation I question haow in the world with coud ever ebcome normal.  I live in a third world country surounded by poverty and people ignorant of how to care for children - a place where men are the authority and women are far from equal.  A place where children are unafraid to beg from a white person regardless of their age.  Sometimes these children are greedy and manipulative but still how in the world can we judge them.  Such hypocritical attitudes.  yet some here hold these.  This place is dry and dusty, hot and sunny, with waving palm trees and arrid mountains.  The sand is hot beneath my feet and dogs and sats wonder aimlessly seeking food and attention.  yet even within 3 weeks it has become commonplace and I have begun to hardly notice.  Actually although this may have been one of the lonlier moves I have made it has also been one of the smoother transitions.  I have settled into the atmosphere and enjoy having friends 20 metres away who I can hang out with anytime that i want.

It is definitly not a team atmosphere such as AYM but there is still a certain measure of bonding.  I don't feel the same love I feel; fro my friends on AYM but they are good to talk to and I find myself able to articulate my feelings of past life experiences with some.  I belive that what God did in my through a couple of friends this spring has enabled me to be more transparent.  So far I haven't gotten hurt, so I think I am leanring to trust.

At first i was so ready to come home by the end of the first week.  It completely didn't meet my expectations.  I took that to mean God didn't want me here.  Becasue of my own desire to leave i used this excuse for myself.  Therefore I arrived here for selfish reasons and was about to turn around for yet selfish reaosns again.  I have so much to learn about life, about living sleflessly, about allowing God to be my leader, and about making the best out of my circumstances rather than wallowing in self pity.  I am surprised I have not already leanred these lessons during all the other changes I have endured throughout my life.  After the move form PEI to Lancaster Mom painted a little picture which she placed by my bed that reads "Bloom where you're planted".  I realize now it doesn't stop applying just because I have an easy way out.  In my toher moves I was left with no choice but to adapt, but this time I have to make a conscious decision.  If i choose to remain hars and unteachable i could easily simply return home.  I belive this move requires a great deal more strength, perserverence, persistence and diligent leaning on God.  I must fully rely on God to give me a measure of Grace in order to maintain this attitude.  Otherwise without him I couldn't do it. 

I suppose I beleived it would be easy to like it here.  I belived I would feel good about myself for sacrificing my time and resources to come take care of 'poor people' to do the sevrice God commmanded.  yes I also came with a heart fo compassion for broken people, but i think honestly the strongermotive was to feel fullfilled, to feel satisfied, maybe to even feel like I was in some way remdeeming myself from the person I have been..living in slefish depression instead of feeling praise and joy over the blessings God has given me.  I perhaps thought I could prove to God I was not as selfish as it apeared, and I proved that I am actually selfish even in this.  But I am trusting that because God  has revealed my heart to me so quickly he then also must be planning to work in me big time.  I think its time for me to grow up.  its time for me to stop thinking about myself and start living in the reality of the whole world around me.  Not even just this world but in the reality of the kingdom - The grand spiritual kingdom.  I'm excited to see what God will do.  In some ways I dread the pain that is bound to come but in other ways i welcome this refining pain , this cleansing sorrow from the pain caused by selfishness.

hey everyone.  sorry I haven't written for so long but I haven't been anywhere near a comnputer in weeks!  I've been off on many adventures. 

First I was out west with my cousin and we climbed Mount Rundle and part way up cascade mountain.  We camped with no tent on rundle mountain campground.  It was so fun.  Then we went back to the ranch where she works and stayed there a couple of days and hung out, slept in the back of an old truck, and we visited a friend I have out there and had a nice time with him and his wife for one night.  he took us out in his boat on the okanogon lake and took us over to some wilderness area that was really pretty.  Oh and it was pretty fun driving around with Echo cause she was just getting good at driving standard so it was pretty funny.  she did an amazing job though, very proud of her!

Then I spent about 2 days at home before I headed down east.  in those couple days at home I spent one of them over at tricia's cottage and we went kayaking and took lots of pictures and tasted whisky and Gin, both pretty gross stuff but gin wasn't too bad in orange juice.  Then on monday I helped out at the VBS at our church before leaving for new brunswich that afternoon.

Me, Jaimie, Amy and Jocelyn got on a 22 hour long train ride and headed east.  and it was an amazing 2 and a half weeks.  I fell in love with everyone and I feel so empty and alone without them all.  I love living in community it is so much more fullfilling.  We did 4 different children's festivals and then a day festival in a park at the end for a different church.  It was so tiring.  the first week we had 50 kids which was awesome, that was a great amount of kids for the 16 team memebers. It was a great time of getting to know the team, everyone was so fresh and alive. I was on the worship team and Jeremy was our worship leader. There were lots of daisies at the side of the church and Amy and I sat one time by oursleves and played "he loves me he loves me not" and put them in our hair.  We also were invited for showers which was welcomed! I had deep conversations with people, we went on long walks in the evening, had worship and devotions morning and night, did energizers in front of the church, awhere Jeremy taught me yuker (w3hich we played many times after that).   the second week was actually a great learning experience in all kinds of ways.  There was only 5 kids at each church and it forced the team to trust that God had a plan in it all.  We also realized we were in the midst of a great spiritual battle in this community and through Jesus name we conquered the spirits and sent them away.  it was powerful and though I also knew and felt the existence of the spirit world I'd never come quite as close contact with such a large team.  I keep praying foir this community and for the family ministering there it is an extremely difficult task.  It was here we took the children to the beach, were invited out to supper 3 different times, strolled along the small beach right beside the church, where I held little kittens, and cloud gazed with Amy in a hayfield,  played guitar to myself in the sancutary, found a secret road to a hidden cemetary with a friend, had a big conversation with Jeremy and Sarah about the doctrine of the presbyterian church, had long conversations with Kirsty and Ron and realized the incredible struggle they are in the midst and wished I could scoop them into my arms and take away the hurt, took free ferry rides, and collected starfish...and many other things.  The third week we had about 43 three kids and that was a great number.  This is where my beautiful Katie met us and became part of the team.  and I love her so much and am so glad she came.  she is the lovliest person.  She played piano and violin for me and once when she was playing tears were streaming down my face.  we stayed in a big old church with many places to explore.  we coreographed a play called "The Champion" and I was an angel.  we did it three times, twice for two different youth groups and once for a church service.  It was very powerful.  we shopped for makeup and costumes, and spent the day sewing costumes and figuring out how to do demon and angel makeup. We also went to the christian bookstore and I recommend some good books.  We had three youth nights and all of them were pretty fun.  I liked the time we went to the kreplins house and jumped on their trampoline. Then we went to another twon were we stayed in a huge old house with a lady, and it was so cool.  we had a time called the soaking, and we did worahip time called harp and bowl.  intrumental chords in the background and people sing what comes to their hearts as the read the scriptures.  then the soaking is a meditating letting God wash over you time.  Our festival in the park was awesome too, the kids were so fun, and we ended up seeing them at line dancing as well.  There are tons and tons and tons of memories but this is already way to long.   love all my team so much and wish I never had to leave you all...i feel liike I'm missing a huge part now..

Heather

I am waiting for my beautiful Katie to come online but she isn't on yet so I am bored and waiting....nobody can replace my katie!

Yesterday trish and I had so much fun.  we took pictures like alwasy haha and we watched the sisterhood of the travelling pants.  it was kind've lame but very endearing nonetheless. I must say the part where the girl is dying was sad until the cheesy moment when she said "but the pants have already done their majic, they brought me to you" haha and then the other girl burst out crying haha I know I shouldn't laugh but both trish and I burst out laughing.  so anyways then we stayed up late and wrote in a journal it was fun.

heres s couple pics of me and her haha the other pics of both of us together are on her camara.

this pic isn't actually from last night I just wanted to show my beautiful trish to the world haha