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heeeesun
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Name: Heesun
Birthday: 4/8/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: playing with a small but expensive wooden toy, admiring the beauty of God's creation in dogs, taking on challenges, pushing the limits of my physical abilities
Expertise: shopping and eating more than you'd expect. Any useful area of expertise? Working on a few...
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/13/2003
 Lifetime
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| a few pictures from the tournament...
stretch!
huddle :)
and an invitation:
this friday the 16th, 7 pm at the New Dance Group at 308 West 38th St (8th Ave). RSVP at nightlightbenefit@gmail.com. performances by a singer, dancer, band, and yours truly. jewelry showcasing. please come! :) :) :) | | |
| LIFE IS TOUGHOne could say that there is some drama in my life right now. I'm still thankful for many things, and I know things could be worse... but I've never felt so trapped, depressed, and desperate...
I love my dad more than I can describe. I would do anything for him, and I have died to myself to obey him sometimes. But this time, I really feel like I'm might just die. Either from malnutrition from a hunger strike, or from depression. Unfortunately my appetite is not directly proportional to my emotional state, so the slower and more painful way would have to end my misery. (Goodness, I never thought I would be like this over a relationship.)
Many people have a hard time understanding my dad's "tyranny". I will just say that he's done more than humanly possible for me, and I owe him my life. And through the agony of being apart from us and loving us too intensely, he has developed some unhealthy ways of fathering us. We either do what he says, or leave home. There is no negotiation. I can't tell you how terribly frustrating it is. I can't ever leave him, and sometimes it really kills me to blindly obey.
So the problem- I'm in Korea right now, and so is J. The "meet the parent" scenario couldn't have gone more wrong. Actually, they didn't even get to meet. I've been forced to chop off my hair (my best asset... I was so devastated), and practically imprisoned at home. And today I received the ultimatum: obey him and stop seeing him, or leave home. I am utterly unable to choose either option. I have wondered in the past what I would do if I had to choose between my dad and my future husband, but I never thought it would hit me in the face as reality. Btw don't ask why dad doesn't approve- it's complicated and has nothing to do with how wonderful J is. And yes, sometime between my previous entries and recent struggles, I have come to realize that he is the one. I can't be happy without him, and will do everything to be with him. But how can I ever choose between the two most important people in my life? How can I be whole if half of me is gone? (or two-thirds, as J jokes sometimes... hmm that was a sad attempt at comic relief)
I'm wishfully thinking that I just need to wait. But how long? Knowing my dad, it could be years and years and years... and if these weeks are any indication, I might expire before I reach the end. I am so discouraged by the prognosis that I feel like l can't get up to start the daunting journey. But I have absolutely no choice- I have to take the heavy steps forward... makes me feel trapped (I am literally though in my room) and I am so desperate to be free... I wish God wouldn't be giving me such a hard lesson on faith and perseverance. Right now I have little hope and no spirit. | | |
| IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU. (wardrobe malfunction, marriage, and death)Well, it wasn't so bad. The marginal malfunction was more apparent in my music, I'm definitely not married, and obviously not dead.
When you're performing a bunch of difficult works, the last thing you want to worry about is your dress falling down. I realized later that it didn't appear as such, but at the time it certainly felt like it! The straps were loose and when I started playing a faster, more aggressive section, I started to panic at the possibility of everyone's worst nightmare materializing. Somehow I got through the 30-minute-long piece, ran backstage ready to cry. I was upset that I couldn't concentrate on the music, but a bigger problem was what to do next. I frantically went through my stuff, pulled out the string from my shoe bag, and tied it behind my neck... a most ridiculous accessory to what was supposed to be an elegant dress. At least it made it memorable...
I always thought marriage was the farthest-fetched thing from me, and in some ways it still is, but suddenly it is sort of in my face. And though I don't dare face it, I look at it from time to time from the corner of my eye... thinking that if I don't work up the courage to face it now, I really may never. How scary. It is a big deal, but it's not. I want it, but I don't. I don't know if it's marriage I'm scared of, or love.
The other day I was in a car that missed a recklessly speeding, red-light-running, presumably intoxicated SUV by droplets of gas that pushed us forward in the nick of time. It came from the side, and in the split second that the headlights came blaring, J hit the gas to escape the crash with only a slight contact in the back. There was no time to react, to panic, to think last thoughts- it would have been over very quickly. Funny thing is we had both thought about death a few hours earlier, separately, for no apparent reason, but with more compulsive relevance. Another thing was that the next morning, J's mom asked what we were doing at that exact time, saying that she felt an urgent need to pray for safety on the road. It made us feel like we had been given a second chance, a real gift.
It took me that split second's experience to realize that every day is really an unwarranted gift. Every single moment, is given by God so we can fulfill our purpose. Am I worthy of the borrowed time? Who cares about marriage and recitals with dress issues... in the face of death you realize what's most important, and I guess that would be love. The only thing I'm still confused about is whether I'm supposed to wait for love, find love, or create love. But someone help me understand and recognize- what is love??? Do we choose our loves? Is it none of the hyped-up romance or mostly it? Can we fall in and out of love? If we were to follow the model of Christ's love, what would compel us to love someone in particular? If we were to choose someone according to our preferences, where is the "unconditional" part? And anyway how do we know whom we should choose among the billions in the pool and what if we choose wrong? What if we never find out?? What in the world is the essence and the anatomy of love? My goodness, if love is the most important thing of our lives, we'd better find the answers soon. | | |
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