Interests:4am quiet, a book a week, absence of your company, alice in wonderland, audrey tatou, birthdays, catastrophe keeps us together, cheerleading, d.d. dancing, diet coke, dinner conversations, feist, foreign french films, goodnight starlight, history, how my heart behaves, human anatomy, literature, making cupcakes, photobooth, pulmonary arteries, sleepless long nights, rilo kiley, stars, structure, the lost boys, what words won't describe, wristbones, writing.
no i'm not fine there's something wrong with my hands, wrists, my thighs, ankles, my hips, lips, blood vessels, lungs, liver, kidneys, head, heart all my organs, everything
but I will be there with you when you turn out the light
Yay hello everyone I’m home! thank you dearest friends for your well-wishes/concerns... my god getting out of that place was the best thing the doctors can do for me. except that I have to face the very terrible fate that is From Colonies to Independent Nations: Selected Studies in Southeast Asian History. ugh, the whole stack of history notes had been sitting in a huge fat stack next to my bedside and every morning I have to wake and face the guilt of Not Studying History. I swear my anxiety level hits the ceiling each time I think of History ah curse you Pearson Longman you’re the first book I will burn in a massive celebratory bonfire after o levels..
on Thursday afternoon Michelle and Davelle came to visit me and we sat around talking shit and bitching about the other patients. oh and there was like, this freaky old lady (“I’m serious! She listens to trance!!” “nat, YOU listen to trance” “no but its like gross temple chanting and droning”) and she just lies in bed and her eyes are vague and unfocused and I totally wanted to blast Ladytron or Le Tigre back at her… and there’s this other 39 year old who’s a total freak she gave me a chain of paper cranes and told me she made it specially for me and then hung it next to my bed, and the other girl next to me told me that the chain had been hanging in the Activity room like forever so we totally trashed it in the bin. then Vicky came by for just 5 minutes before dinner but thank you for dropping by and I love your jacket my ward-mate (wtf, I know right I have ward-mates) wants it.
(if the silence takes you I hope it takes me too)
oh and yesterday morning I had a terrible migraine at 9am it was as if there was a nasty muay thai fighter wearing his huge red boxing gloves inside my head and pounding everywhere from within yeah it was terrible, I was crouching under my blanket (which my mom brought from home because hospital Everything sucks) because the morning light was compounding my headache and the nurses took forever to get me two pills of panadol. I was dying in the ultra sound room (“the first thing I thought of when Vicky told me you were in the hospital was that you were pregnant!” “NO melin, I am not sexually active!!”) I was so hungry cos I wasn’t allowed to eat anything from midnight till after the scan so no breakfast, and I was supposed to have french toast (yum!) and my head was still throbbing with such intensity that I thought I would just die but I started laughing (out loud, because I’m totally psycho) when the ultrasound operator squeezed the gel on my stomach/side and said “this will be cold” haha scene straight out of the movies! but my organs are fine, and I even get to keep the picture of my intact and healthy organs: liver, kidneys, heart, w.e and my liver/pancreas isn’t swollen so hurray,. unlike what my paranoid team of doctors suspected. seriously my dad was like, don’t tell them you’ve got a migraine they’ll probably send the neurologists down to examine your brain (WHICH IS WORKING FINE THANKS) to see if there’s any shrinkage.. boo I have a lot of battle scars (melodrama works fine for me) they drew blood from me three times and they didn’t stop the blood the first time so I have a bruised blood vessel on my left arm and the second time the nurse couldn’t get my blood to flow (how strange maybe my heart’s all wrong) and oh I was stuck on a drip for the first day and when I tried to pick up Claire’s call I accidentally banged the plastic and the needle in my arm and it hurt like (insert profanities).
today I spent a lot of time listening to Stars’ Similar Artists on Last.fm and complaining about the utter lack of things to do. then Claire called in the afternoon and told me that I did pretty alright for the english essay which made my afternoon (I know my life is so sad right) and I walked around in glee looking for someone to tell and then I saw Melin! with a gigantic yellow smiley face balloon bobbing up and down outside the ward-door. so we hung around inside the Interview room and I tried to tempt her into eating my cheesecake snack (fail) and complaining about D. loh who didn’t let their class play benchball with mine and we talked about our Bangkok trip after O levels which would be the coolest shit ever because it would be with her and Vicky hurray and we called miss tan for a bit and annoyed her with the mute button and then Melin left, and I took a nap and oh I was falling asleep ten thousand times a day like in New Delhi, coke-deprived and caffeine-deficient, oh man I make them sound like nutrients/minerals or something. and at like 6pm Claire and Kara came with flowers yayyyyyyy. feeling the love! but the doctors are letting me out for a week or so (“You can do your midyears! Aren’t you glad?”) till Chinese os/their return from their medical conference in the States and then I have to go back for reassessment and more blood tests to see if my enzyme levels are back to normal.
Sipei just called me haha because she felt bad that she didn't know I was in the hospital yesterday when she called. Vicky was with me and Sipei called and she's like "hi Nat I'm at Kino now what book should I get?" but it was a refreshing conversation because it wasn't the usual "HOW ARE YOU" "WHY ARE YOU IN THE HOSPITAL" "PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF" conversation, and oh she just gave me the SEA questions that came out for her full history paper, so thank you Sipei! see you after my midyears :)
hm Claire says I missed a lot in school? like an enlightening physics lesson, bench ball during free period and oh Lala just messaged me she says she sprained her foot and has to hop around. let’s all just end up in the hospital together.. kidding get well soon alright (:
oh just kill me now, I haven’t studied SS and covered all of geography and just finishing half of History’s unit 3 took 2 and a half hours, and that’s just writing out the model essay, I haven’t even committed it to memory (haha Motion City Soundtrack!), but at least there’s the whole weekend ahead, cross fingers Vicky and I will be productive.. I have physics at Aprime (oh god I don’t want to see Mr kok he totally hates my face I’ve been missing so many classes) and at 4pm, chinese tuition at Thompson plaza with Vicky, Jovel and Emily (lao shi: “sat 3:30 pm at thompson plaza pizza hut we reserve place first”) and then study with Vicky afterwards and hopefully I can cram more unit 4 into my miniscule brain. shit why in the world are you blogging at 12:41 AM do you think anyone will read this Natalie chin?! stop thinking of all the books you want to read and STUDY!!!!
PS: how rad is Paper Tiger by Spoon?
"we could go kick down some doors together stay out til morning sharp as knives the new war will get you it will not protect you but I will be there with you when you turn out the light"
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2:07 am
. .
ew how sick is this, I've been studying since 9 plus and I'm not even done with half of unit 3. I'm trying to organise all the parties under Moderate/Revolutionary/Radical and Vicky's gone to sleep already but I've only just finished nationalism of 1900-1941 before Japanese occupation and WWII.. oh shit oh shit how in the world am I ever going to finish this???? I'm scared. Mrs ng says "heck about midyears, its not important, just do your best" but don't you understand. this isn't my best! I'm not prepared at all! I feel like running around in my garden flapping my hands like a polar-confused migrating bird. yes. I'm going crazy. I want to flap non-existent wings in the dark of the night. I'm going to fail. die. Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail FAIL
electrocardiogram presents: the exquisite details of my heart and the slight deviation to the right axis.
the hospital is a very cold place and my feet are freezing. I can't find the socks that my sister packed for me. the three other nsk girls in my ward talk all the time and its like having channel 8 on 24/7. hua yu is not cool. I still do not understand why there is a need for people to speak in a mixture of english and chinese. just pretend that I'm too stupid to comprehend their garbled language and read my magazines. I went for an abdominal x-ray last night and even then my stomach was still reeling from the thought of the cup of black liquid charcoal.. life is very boring. I wake up at 6am for no reason which totally sucks because I don't have to go to school. and then I take a bath then watch channel newsasia. the Olympic torch reached mount everest at 9am this morning! and I didn't know a cyclone whipped across Myanmar until I saw the news on the worldwide humanitarian efforts and aid.. I feel so out of touch. breakfast at 8am and the two girls sit across from me and talk and talk until I feel like flipping my bowl of oats up into their faces and tell them to drink their supplements and shut the fuck up. stop it. I can't eat if everything's all disrupted and wrong. today I poured all of my friend's soya sauce into the bowl of oats. aren't oats supposed to be sweet? I haven't been studying much, did a couple of chemistry papers and avoided studying history. I think Mrs Ng's going to call me after 2pm and then I can ask her some questions about unit 3. stress! I know, its only mid years but I can't stop thinking about the history paper, I'm completely unprepared, scared out of my wits. gossip girl is my only comfort... let's talk about that. omfg how could the writers make Eric gay?! Jenny and him should get together. and would Dan and Serena have a full-blown fight already (just for the sake of the drama that will ensue) and get over with it? its 1:30pm now and there's nothing to do.. I can't be bothered to turn the telly on, I don't want to sleep or study. I'm restless and imprisoned here. the doctor's are supposed to start their afternoon rounds soon and it is nothing like Grey's anatomy except the constant beeping of the heart rate monitor (not mine). I'm trying to read Love in the time of Chlorea but the plot's taking forever to begin. my stomach cramps are beginning to rear its ugly head. my mom's next to me now reading the papers and I think davelle's coming later. vicky and claire and kara might come tomorrow. I don't know how long I'm staying because the doctor wants my situation to stablise first (?? I am so stable!!) but I should be doing midyears which means I should be studying right now!!!! XOxo.
these sets of emotions have become stale and threadbare, like thin stripes of white pith peeled away from me. there is nothing else left to expend my energies on. midyears are tripe and a waste of time. deny your self for things arcane, discover the heavy eyes accentuated by silence and song and watch the intrinsic motions of fluids flying beneath silkworm skin.
park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me. what are you living for?
True
