And now for another installment of “Stupid People with Computers”:
*helping friends with their computers is such a joy*
Him: Hey Rich, my computer’s wiggin’ out on me again and not making any sound when I set up my speakers.Can you come over and take a look?
Me:I suppose.*goes over* *inspects rear of computer*
Him:You see?
Me:Yes… you plugged your speaker cable into the microphone cable.See how it’s color coded?
Him: Ohhhhhhhh.
Me:Yeah bro, they do that to make it easier for people like you.
Him: yeah, I mean, it’s like that time you had to show me the difference between my printer port and my monitor port.That was so funny.
Me: *grimaces remembering the pain in explaining that* Yeah… So funny… *mumbles “So sad…”*
*Phone Call between a girl I knew in the dorms, and myself*
Her: Hey Richie, my ‘puter is misbehaving again.
Me: *click* ß sound of me not liking being called “Richie”
*ring ring*
Her: Hey Richie, I think we got discon—
Me: *click*
*ring ring*
Her:Weird… Anyway, I had a question since my computer is being stupid again…
Me:Didn’t we have a nice conversation when I explained the computer can never be the stupid one?
Her:*quietly trying to understand the remark*
Me:So what’s the problem?
Her:Oh, yeah, I almost forgot…
Me:*thinking how much of a shame THAT would have been*
Her:…I can’t get my DSL working.Everyone else’s is working in my house, but not mine.Please PLEASE come over and fix it?
Me:*click* *take my time about getting over there*
Her:Hey Richie!
Me:*visibly cringes* Alright, lets fix your DSL.
Her:GREAT!
Me:*after examining the back of the computer* Um… You realize DSL doesn’t work just because you physically forced an Ethernet cable in a modem….right?
Her:I didn’t set it up, my boyfriend did; he knows EVERYTHING about computers…
Me:Yeah, I can tell.*I pull a cheap $5 NIC from my %“Moron” kit and put it in her system, set it up, plug the poor abused cable into it and leave*
%Explanation of “Moron” kit:My “Moron” kit is filled with little things that might be needed for computer house-calls for, you guessed it, morons.I have a bunch of NIC’s, a few modems, sound cables for optical drives, power cords, phone cable, Ethernet cable, and IDE cables (YES, I did say IDE cables.Ever since I made a house-call and the friend didn’t realize you can’t just stick a HDD in the case without plugging it into the motherboard, I have made sure to have them around JUST IN CASE=\ ), and extra power bars.
*emergency LAN party call*
Him:Rich, I have a MAJOR computer problem…
Me:Didn’t I tell you not to call at 3am in the fucking morning on a weekend?
Him:Yea, I know, but this is an emergency.
Me:I’m fucking charging by the computer this time…I told you that in our agreement.
Him:I know, I know, just get over here.
Me:*figure I’ll charge double my emergency rate for that comment* I’ll be over in 20 minutes.
-I arrive in 15 minutes, take a piss in his bush and knock on the door-
Him: What took you so fucking long?
Me:Before I man-slap the shit out of you, why the fuck are your lights out?
Him:That’s why I called you.
Me:I’m not a fucking electrician, dude.
Him:I know, but I thought you could help us figure out what happened.
Me:Did you pay your power bill?
Him:Yes Mr.Wise-Ass
Me:At least you remembered the “Mr.” this time.
Him:Just figure it out!
Me:Yeah, solved that mystery now.Where’s my money first?
Him:I don’t have cash on me.
Me:Drivers license and major credit card until your check clears.
Him:Fine, whatever.*hands it over*
Me:Ok, here’s a math question for you, “you have two power bars with 5 computers and 5 monitors on each power bar, and each power bar is plugged into the same wall outlet, 1 in each socket.What do you got?”
Him:I dunno, what?
Me: No fucking lights.Now I’ll hope this blank check goes through for the $100 I see as worth draggin’ my ass out of bed this early on a Sunday.
Now really, I have no problem helping people with computer woes for free, but the people I used in these examples are people I’ve probably had calls from at least a dozen times each. | 
