i hate how people can really effect me. i wish i was just a hard rock and nothing would ever get to me. i wish i was emotionless? i guess ive just been in denial. for years. about a lot of things. ive been thinking a lot about something really. if i should do something. if im ready to continue/move forward with another. sometimes i just want to drop everything and just give it up. because if its meant to be it'll happen anyways right? im too pessimistic most of the time. im just scared that ima make a decision out of impulse and/or regret it later on. but whatever. ive been tryna figure out what i should do for the last couple of months now. idk... whatever. we'll see what happens.

im just tired of people runnin MY life. bringing me down. when u want to leave but u cant. you want to speak but you shouldnt. hesitation has become way too big. hopefully things will fall into place soon.

screw this, im stayin in my denial phase. lets try to stay optimistic, in what parts of my life i can anyway.

optimistic.

life has definitely been on a roller coaster since ive moved to chicago. ive been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately... but hopefully that's turning around, slowly but surely. after almost losing my mind, i realized that over working myself isnt gona make things work out, things will only get worse. in order to survive, im tryna just take things one at a time. one thing down, one less to go. makes things more happier .

i got my license FINALLY on sat! it wasnt so bad... i was freaked out cus i didnt know what to expect. and then while i was in line, i over heard some people talkin about they failed a couple of times already!  wasnt so bad though. i didnt evn study? i didnt know you were supposed to? but when she asked me to park on the side of the road and pretend as if i'm parking uphill with a curb.... i totally guessed, and got it right! score!  and she had me reverse straight back, and turn a corner while reversing, and go straight back on the next street i turned on to. that was a bit hard.... oh and i was passing by this park, and there were cars parked on the side of the road.. she goes "you did that perfectly fine- but next time u can go a little into the next lane because you were kinda close to those cars" .... but the next lane was oncoming traffic? so idk.. most of the time i didnt even realize what she was askin me to do was actually a test.. even though the whole thing was a test huh? ha im slow. whatev. anyways thats one of the "one less" things to do... finally i don't have to depend on people for rides. i can go by myself!  anddd i drove today o7.24.o7 allll by myself, for the first time! wasnt so bad, i just got a little bored. my mom kept me entertained.

moved, AGAIN! June '07 into a house now, mashAllah. its nice, just far. in the middle of nowhere! not really, its just still in the midst of developing. not so undeveloped that you feel like ur on a farm, but not quite developed yet. theres tons of construction everywhere for all those stores and houses and what not coming. of course as usual, moving drove me on the verge of insanity. havin to pack/do everything primarily myself. but i made it. still unpacking here and there.. but for the most part all's good.

school. the ball is rolling! went monday, turned my fin aid stuff in. she said i should get it in time for fall. turned my transcript in last thurs. have to follow up with that and see if theyre done with that yet. still need to take placement test for math though, and this constitution test thing they have up here...

work. is okay. im hangin in there? i mean its not so bad.. its just, irritating/annoying at times. but i love the benefits and the people i work with are fun/nice. its just SO far from where i live now. it takes me on avg an hour to get to work. between 45 mins-an hour and a half. as long as the traffic is flowing im fine. its those dead lock going 5 mph traffic jams that make me wana cry. but i found a new route, in which im flyin down the road at 55 mph  [the good part about living in the outskirts- higher speed limits]. i am lookin for a 2nd job though, just to work at for a little bit. for those annoying second bills cus of moving . also, i want more money in the bank. im doin ok, i just hate feelin like im livin paycheck to paycheck, havin to watch expenses. its also good to have some extra savings in the bank, cant hurt right?

ive missed xanga. hopefully ill update soon again. andd hopefulllllllly this optimistic attitude will keep on rollin and things will work out for the best! inshAllah. just takin things one at a time, one day at a time.

need to:
-turn in last form needed for fin aid at school
-check status of transcript evaluation at school
-go to the counselor at school
-take required/placement tests for school
-enroll in classes
-buy new glasses (current pair is 4 yrs old?)
-look for 2nd job
-unpack- my room, moms stuff, kitchen
-start working out again

irritated.

by life. by.... everything. ive become so irritable. i dont even know why at times. and i feel bad, cus i dont wana blow up on someone for no reason you know? so i bite my lip and dont say anything. bc i dont evn know why im mad? im not even mad, really. just... irritated. i guess im just tired of.. everything.

have you ever wondered.. what youre doing. why youre doing it. if someone is using you. but how could they? it is a cruel world though, so nothing is impossible. and how some people are just so selfish, how could someone be so selfish? so self centered. so inconsiderate. and wonder what your purpose is in situations. why you even bother. why is everything so freakin difficult at times. and life is so hard, that you just want to quit. but you cant. youre not a quitter. so you just keep going.. wandering on- everything seeming so pointless, worthless. why should you even bother?

have you ever felt like.. you were about to break down crying. but no tears come out? and you sit there. emotionless. you want to so bad, but for some reason, something is holding you back? i dont cry. maybe thats what it is. i wish it would just come out though, its driving me insane. idk evn know. ill be back, cus im just speechless now.