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| i really should update more.
life just keeps getting better and better... i guess all this hard work
is paying off. i'm friends with paul again. he's back and i'm just glad
that he enjoys spending time with his son while i'm at work. yeah... i
work at a library right now. it isn't much, really, but it's something.
and plus, i'm going to school three times a week. i'm taking a
vocational in cosmetology. i really hope that i make it big some day.
that's all i ever do nowadays... hope.
life has really been too kind to me. guys... you really should be
grateful for what you have. if you've been here with me for the past
what? two, three years? you know what i've been through. you don't want
that. absolutely not... just let me be a model for you.. someone NOT to
follow. dont fuck up like i did. it took me a long time to get out of
it, and i really arent all that out yet.... this is just the
beginning...
i love my son so much. i just want the best for him. thats what every
mother wants. but yet i seem to be insufficient. i cant take care of my
son the way other mothers can. there are things that i lack that he
needs. i probably lack more in maturity than in anything else. and
second up is money.... i just wish... i just wish that i had enough to
support him...
if you're feeling a sense of foreboding behind that last paragraph, you
aren't going nuts.... i'm being watched closely by a social worker...
if i dont do things right, my SON IS GOIGN TO BE TAKEN FROM ME. that is
the last thing i want. i told mama and she said that shes too old to
take care of him either, and what he really needs is a reall home...
then what am i , then? where we are today... is it not real enough????
i can only hope and wish and pray and try my best.....p aul i love you so much. thanks for being there for me.........
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| its been a really long time since ive updated this thing. well, life has had its ups and downs as usual. my baby has low immunity probably because i havent really taken care of myself before the pregnancy even happened and i guess for maybe the first half of it i didnt either... vitamins are so expensive especially since im unemployed. my mom buys them for baby though. i think she loves him more than she loves me sometimes. :( i never grew up the way she wanted me to and she has mentioned that my baby boy could be a new start for both her and me... i dont really know what that means because i never asked. im too afraid to know the answer.
well lately ive been working in a liquor store because apparently thats all im good for. i want to go back to school but i dont want to break the bond with my baby. ever since i started working my boys been getting accustomed to his grandmama and it makes me sad to see him reach out for her when i pick him up after work. im so frustrated that i cant support him nor me. i want to go back to school so bad. its been a really tough six months for me. im trying to raise my kid the best i can, influencing him with good morals and everything that i didnt have, that i didnt know was important.
hes my reason for living. without him, man, im nothing. this existence that i have is so pathetic. nothing is ever permanent in my life. i havent been talking to paul lately because his girlfriend doesnt like the idea of him seeing another girl, in another state no less. i dont even know if she knows about him taking responsibility for being the babys father. she does know about my baby, though. to be honest, i really miss paul. i dont know where we went wrong. and i dont miss him because it was convenient for him to be at my side during my hard times but because we understood one another in ways that no one else could. that was our own thing, you know? and it was really wonderful while it lasted and i dont regret a second with him. hes given me so much - hes TAUGHT me so much. hes the inspiration in my life, even if he isnt really in it anymore. i dont know if that makes sense.
well, im really sorry about the gaps in my updates. im a really busy girl now.. im just trying to pull through like all of you, and although im having a harder time than yall i am getting by and im grateful for that. everything in my life is to the extreme, never in between. i have to be good at what i do.. i dont have a choice because otherwise i wont be able to make it. its so hard and stressful on my nerves. im a mess. but not the kind of mess that i was just a couple of years ago.. i hope that you guys can be proud of me for that because i think that i deserve it.
and if not.. oh well. ill just have to try alittle harder. i know that i didnt gain your respect in any way during the time i was slutting myself everywhere. i didnt have alot of respect for myself, either. i really dont know what i was doing..
sigh..
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| hi guys.. wats new.. well its been a long while since ive updated n
alot of things have changed.. my poor baby has pneumonia and pauls been
here for about two weeks helping me take care of him while im at work..
i work at a cafe now, its really wonderful.. its minimum wage but we
can live on it.. n plus the gov't gives us coupons n stuff for seung, n
doctoral visits are free.. god.. even though society today is fucked up
we can definitely reap what benefits it has to offer.... our world is
so corrupt.. ryt? ..lol..
wellz ive had a cold for a couple of days n i havent touched my baby
since :( pauls been takin real good care of him.. i dont want to
contaminate him anymore.. its cause our heat is spotty n sumtimes it
shuts off in da middle of da nite.. my poor baby.. i rly hope he'll be
ok.... no... i kno he wil..
well as u kno me n paul arent 2gether.. he actually has a gf back home
in georgia n shes kinda upset ryt now that he'd be visiting me..
complainin dat its not even his child.. but i am very grateful and a
bit resentful dat he risk da relationship he has wit his gf for my
baby.. ..our baby.. i am so thankful for paul.. i owe him my life..... i hav no idea
how 2 pay him bak n i tel him dat every chance i get n all he does is
get angry.. i WILL make it up 2 u, paul.. i promise.. somehow..
hes the most understanding guy alive.... seung and i are soooo lucky!!  seung is the most beautiful thing we will ever shareee......
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| hey guyz its been a while.. well ur wondring whats new?
hehehe
guess the dominant gene is asian!! hehehehe i have strong genes cause im a strong woman!!
hiz name is seung jin.... after my father..
i jez hope my father appreciatez it.... i doubt it..
paul visited us a week ago... hes extremely happy and he gave us money
that will feed us for over three monthz!! i told him i couldnt take
it.. and he said okay... and then he left it in my dresser drawr...
grrr... i hope he doesnt pity me cauz thats one thing i cant handle.. i
can get by by myself.. ive gotten this far by myself.... i am
confident i can handle this. sometimes its hard no lie. sometimes its
lonely. but when i look at my Sweet baby boy i can't help thinking.....
oh man.... how did i come to deserve this miracle!!!! i love him
so much... hes evrythgn to me.. you dont knowwww.. im so glad i
went thru all of this.. well not ALL of this.. but yu kno deciding to
keep the baby and all that... hes such a wonderful part of my life.....
hes the only wonderful thing in my lyf....
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