Okay. I don’t think im going to be able to do this Alex. Nothing is like it was and everyday I have to sit and wonder if you said the same things to her you said to me. And why you lied to me so much. I’ve lost my place in life and you in my heart. All I can do is cry when I think of you. Your name used to ring in my head and make my heart go weak and my lips come to a smile. Now I hear your name and I fall into a river of endless tears. I don’t know what to do with out you but its killing me. All the questions left unanswered all the lies you said. I find new ones everyday. The unexplainable reasoning I can’t seem to understand and the hurt I find only in my eyes. The life I gave for two years is gone and is replaced with blame and sorrow. When I think of all that has happened in the past two days my mind is blown. When I walk in my house all I can do is cry in my car and at my friends house. I have never felt so weak in my life (which is awkward cuz I am a strong person). I don’t know what I should do because all of the pain is still here. You broke me and now you can’t fix me. Everything I had I gave to you. When I lied to everyone I looked to you for the truth. When I was lost and alone you were there to hold me. You said I am everything you ever wanted but you still looked me in the face and lied to me. Damage can’t be undone. After all the times I watched my back from who I talked to and when and why. After the parties where you said you needed to take care of me. After everything you still lied to me. My friends call me to try and get me out of the house and I cant leave because all I can do is cry. I need you..you were my knight in shining armor and you broke my heart. Ive never felt so alone. So scared. So broken. Ive never felt any of these things and no one can make them better. You were the person that smiled at me and everything was better. You were the one who made everything okay. You were the one that dried my tears and now you are the one that caused them. My pain isn’t going away as much as I am trying its not. I don’t know that I can forgive you for this. I’m trying but I don’t know. Everything in my head is spinning and I can’t get my life back in control. Where did I go if it wasn’t to you. I didn’t go anywhere. Who did I run to if it wasn’t you? No where because you were always there. And now I have to sit there and wonder what other lies you have told me and what things you have said and what other feelings you may have for someone you lied and said you hated. Help me understand please because im so lost without you but im so torn when your with me. When you were playing with my hair last night all I could wonder was whether or not her hair was as soft or if you have seen her or been with her or held her. If you loved her like you loved me. If you even loved me. I don’t know how you could do this to somebody…I don’t know how you could lie straight to their face. I wasn’t good enough to be everything you ever wanted because you needed more. You needed reassurance of tomorrow that I could not give you. You needed the promise of the past and hope for tomorrow that you could not find through me. When you look at me its as if you see straight through me and your not looking at me. Who else have you lied about where have you been when im not around what have you been doing. How can I ever trust this person who was my everything and is now my nothing? I sit with anyone and I am like a bump on a log. I feel nothing I say nothing. How could I have told you everything about my life and the world around me and you give me nothing back?? How could lie to me?? Why wasn’t I good enough?? Why did you keep her on the side??? Why?? All these questions I ask myself and just break down.. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think im strong enough without you. But with you I am still nothing. How can I tell you anything. How can I believe what you say. You used your kisses as promises and I was stupid enough to believe it. How can I hold on to someone who let me go. How could you look at me every night and know you were lieing to me??? How could you look at me…I cant look at you!!

Currently Playing Here for the Party By Gretchen Wilson when i think about cheatin see related

  okay so lets explain slowly the events of this weekend..then ask me how upset i am!!

   Thursday: alex comes over to my house and i didnt want to be home when my dad got home b/c we had been fighting about my tattoo. so when alex said he had to get headlights for the labaron i was like okay im gonna get in the shower and we can go then to eat and a movie. well he wouldnt wait for me to get out of the shower...he left and did it anyways. so i got in the shower called terra invited her to lunch in a movie. she says yes. by the time im done blow drying my hair alex has come back to my house.. and goes what time does the movie start..i told him he left so i made other plans.. okay good..but i got to eat with terra and who do i find out has been lieing to me..none other than my GREAT friend valerie cropanese. good to know!! right..

       Friday: JT was getting his tattoo so me chris and alex all went up to the tattoo parlor to watch him..we he was being a dick about alot so we were all like...okay..well alex and chris decide to get a community tattoo and alex leaves to go get the picture of the star that i picked out for him. and then comes back..well chris had online classes to do so he had to come back to alex's to do his homework well creepy showed up at the tattoo parlor so i had chris come get me. by the time he got there i decided it would be cute to get my belly button pierced...so chris and i ran to the QT to get blacks for them and i came back to find Jeremy pulling in behind us. so then i lay on the table to get my belly button pierced and the needle gets stuck...in my skin..so he has to push it the rest of the way through.. i scream and chris and alex grab me... chris helps me into the bathroom which i ended up being fine..but that hurt worse than my tattoo. well at about two in the morning ales sits down to get his tattoo done he bleeds alot but it gets done. chris goes to get his done at about two thirty three in the morning and they get 3/4 of the way finished with the outline and chris says he needs to go outside..CHRIS passes out on the concrete and hits his head. when he comes to we are all around him holding him and he has no idea what just happened. so we get him inside give him water and cookies (blood sugar) and i get the blood off his head. well he gets up and finishes that tattoo. so we helped him home and put him on the couch i got him an ice pack and sat with him till i fell asleep at six in the damn morning.. nice right..all of this while my belly button is about to fall off!!!

        Saturday: go to alexs have chris call terras mom pretending to my dad!!lol it worked then alex has to pretend to be his dad for bryants mom how wonderful. it worked bryant showed up..chris leaves to his dads house after a few issues with rachel and they break up...i dunno ...so alex gets back with steven who is only there for a little while and i felt really akward with but its whatever. so alex takes him home and david calls jeremy to fight him..after a while terra calls and says she is out of work so we all hall ass upstairs and out the door to go get terra we get terra and head back to alex's we are there for only a second when me and lance bryant and terra leave to run by my house and to QT for them to get  blacks on the way guess who smokes a damn cigarette none other than lance davis!!! ( i was shocked) anywho so we get back and david and about four other cars pull up and jeremy and david start yelling at each other and jeremy just hits him in the jaw...the start fighting and david yells for one of his friends to help him..so lance runs over there and grabs jeremy off of him and on his way up david hits jeremy in the face so jeremy starts swinging again...good job lol..anyway they talk alot more shit and then they leave becasue david just got his wisdom teeth out or some who hah...so we are all in the back in the pool in the rain playing truth or dare (how lame but i had a reason behind it) well jeremy starts making out with terra in the pool then openly says terra is a better kisser than briana..so that was nice. but then they go upstairs and in the bed start making out..well try this on for size alex gets dared to kiss terra and he does...after he sat there and said..i would never kiss anybody else because i know you would never talk to me again so i watch him kiss terra...great...so i get upset and i call lance..and im like if i walk away from alex i walk away from everybody...and lance was like holly you will always have me...lol i love my lance..but there is something shady about him...i havent figured it out yet..give it time...

    sunday: i dunno yet cuz it is sunday but i have to go talk to alex about last night so someone tell me what to say to this kid!!