|
| Carrying On
The entire front page of my Xanga is entries about dead friends. While I memorialize them with every living breath I take, life carries on. While a part of me is still endlessly trapped in that morning we buried Lou, life carries on.
Wednesday, March 28th
Work was a bit hectic since District was there. Since MIC is on vacation, and it was my partner's day off, that meant I was the only Investigator there to deal with the big wig (ironic since he has no hair, like most of us). Luckily, most of what I had to do was retrieve old case files and things of that nature. I still won't say I've got this job all figured out. At least I don't think I did anything stupid with District there. I hate being a rookie. Still, my first raise should come through on my next paycheck.
After work I head down to the Temple for sparring night. Dagon was the only other one there, and we fought bare knuckle for about an hour. I've got some nice bruises on my shins thanks to his shin blocks. I scored with a couple good head kicks though, and he was unable to get in on me for the most part. I was able to set up some good combos on him and keep him out of trapping range for the most part. He only scored one solid hit on my chest, which means I don't have a bunch of bruises like last time. He took one of my kicks on his forearm that raised a nasty thick bruise. He tried to get in on me toward the end and I scored with a beautiful jump round kick to his face.
I need to work on my single leg take down and my ankle locks.
After practice, we went back to my place for dinner. We watched 24 Season 3. I finally got Dagon hooked on it.
Thursday, March 29th
Worked with my partner on a couple surveillance projects, but didn't manage to close any cases. Got my summons to court for next month for the last case I closed. I'm going to put money on the defendant not showing up and the judge having to issue a bench warrant, which means I'll waste an entire morning just sitting in court listening to other people's drug, theft, and child molestation cases.
There are some really messed up people in Maryland.
Friday, March 30th
It's my day off, finally, so I've just been lazy. Woke up, worked out, had lunch, now I'm doing some laundry and taking care of bills before going clubbing tonight. Hopefully it won't be a re-run of the last adventures at Aqua. I can't afford to drop another two grand.
I also had an enlightening conversation with Neetaman this afternoon.
Neetaman (3:13:37 PM): you memorize mine
Neetaman (3:13:38 PM): or i
Neetaman (3:13:39 PM): will
Neetaman (3:13:40 PM): fight you
BRE (3:14:33 PM): Ooooo
BRE (3:14:38 PM): I'd like to see you ry
BRE (3:14:40 PM): try
BRE (3:14:42 PM): Not rye
Neetaman (3:14:54 PM): i like rye bread
BRE (3:14:58 PM): Cuz if you were bread, I'd spread butter on you and eat you if you tried to fight me
BRE (3:15:06 PM): I like a good pumpernickel
Neetaman (3:15:11 PM): but i AM a bread!
BRE (3:16:22 PM): Somebody pass me the Country Crock, cuz I'm about to take you down!
Neetaman (3:17:11 PM): country crock?
Neetaman (3:17:19 PM): are you afraid of REAL butter?
Neetaman (3:17:28 PM): not man enough??
BRE (3:19:06 PM): Oh, I'm man enough, the question is can you handle real butter!
BRE (3:19:15 PM): Or am I gonna have to get out the margarine!
Neetaman (3:19:46 PM): you underestimate my strong arms!
BRE (3:20:07 PM): bah
BRE (3:20:15 PM): You can't even handle spray butter!
Neetaman (3:21:01 PM): ouchhh baby.....
NeEtZ 27 (3:21:09 PM): very ouch....
BRE (3:48:37 PM): ...
Neetaman (3:48:54 PM): do not DOT DOT DOT me!!!!
Neetaman (3:48:57 PM): that's very rude!
BRE (3:48:54 PM): sorry
BRE (3:48:58 PM): trying to fix my text colors
Neetaman (3:49:18 PM): there is no excuse for that kind of behavior
I have such lovely friends.
Shout Outs
I've got a bunch to make up for, since I haven't been really updating this since the funerals.
Eunjoo78 Thanks for the condolences. Let's all hang out soon.
Chinamoonbaby It was good seeing you earlier this month. Let's grab lunch sometime soon.
Simplyme1125 I got home safe that night, but my car didn't. The transmission dropped on 295 on the way home.
Sangyup81 You might want to check out this thread on Sociocide.
 LexytheCat I'm all right.
Shiwi Thanks for all the love and support.
To everybody else, keep on rocking my world.
Peace.
Next time on Behind Round Eyes:
- KAMP Friday night for E-Ron's birthday
- Stalking people for fun and profit
- Bartending is just an excuse to make money and talk to cute girls.
| | |
| "They say that when you can't walk anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that..."
You find someone to carry you.
Andy, I was honored to carry you those last few steps. Be free finally. Don't worry about your brothers, I'll keep an eye on them.
One love, one blood.
From reading a eulogy at Lou's funeral to being a palbearer at Andy's...
I'm getting really tired of funerals.
| | |
| A Final Good Night...
After stumbling to bed in the dark hours of this morning, I had a
dream. Like a lot of people, my dreams are usually really trippy. I
usually don't put much stock in them. Truthfully, I really don't want
to know what it means about my psyche if I dream that I won the US TKD
Championship while naked and wearing a bright pink Afro wig.
Last night, I dreamt I and my road dogs, Albert and Mingu, went on a
road trip to Hong Kong. Yes. A road trip from Baltimore to Hong
Kong. It's my dream, and I said so. When you're planning the dream
road trip, you can decide the destination and how we'll get there.
So anyway, we got to Hong Kong, and went to visit this girl. My eyes
must have been tired in the dream, because I was having a hard time
focusing on reading and other details. I didn't have a real impression
of who the girl was, just that we were visiting her. She showed us
around her apartment, which was huge, multiple levels, bright, and had
a great view of the harbor. Baltimore Harbor. Don't ask me what
Baltimore Harbor was doing in southern China...(Hrm....Canton is right
off the Key Bridge...Canton...Cantonese...Hong Kong...)
She was living there with some family, I can't remember who. I just
got an impression that they were old, like a grandfather or great-uncle
or something. Nice guy. She told us how her life was now and how
great things were going.
She told us how happy she was.
Finally, I guess it was time to go. I went to give the girl a hug, and
I finally recognized her. It was Louisa. She gave me a big smile and
hug, and then it was over. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.
There are a lot of things I'm unsure about, especially when it comes to death, after death...
But I'm sure that there's a reason I had that dream.
Thanks for the last good-bye, Lou. Glad to see that you're happy. It was good to see your smile again.
  | | |
| You Have Been Loved...
I got a couple requests that I post my letter to Louisa that I read at the funeral on Saturday.
I didn't sleep at all writing this Friday night. Like so many of us mourning Lou, I had barely slept more than three hours each night. Come Saturday morning, and the funeral, I was a mess of raw nerves
Most of the time writing this in the dark hours of Saturday morning was spent staring at the empty screen of Paul's computer listening to music that reminded me of Lou. Thank you to Karen for the liquid courage, the patience, and the proof-reading.
Writing the letter was difficult.
Reading it while trying to hold onto myself was the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope she liked it.
***
Louisa,
I wish I had known last Friday that the conversation we had would be our last. Forgive me for not saying these things to you when I had the chance. Next time I see you, I promise to let you know how much you’ve meant to me. You were never taken for granted. I will hold your smiling face in my memory until it is my turn to take the journey that you have already begun.
Looking back over the past few years, I cannot deny how much laughter and how many smiles you gave me. From the moment we met years ago to last Friday night, you have brought nothing but joy and good times into my life.
I am sorry to say that I can’t remember when exactly it was that I met you, but I do know that my life became brighter the moment I did. My best friend, Matt, started attending UMBC a couple years before I did. He told me about this group of cute Chinese girls he’d started hanging out with. I have to admit that at the time I didn’t believe him. He must have been making all up. Then I transferred to UMBC and finally met Karen, Olivia, and Lynn…and I met you, the girl with a smile that was dwarfed only by her love of life. Everything Matt had said was right. I never doubted him or his taste in women again.
You still owe me food and money, but it’s ok. I’m not worried about it. I know you’ll get it back to me someday. The first time I visited you at Joss, I told you and Lynn to go ahead and get yourselves something for lunch and put it on my tab. That was a mistake I never made again. When my tab came, you’d ordered twice what I had eaten, but then, you always did have good taste. I know that when I get to where you are, you’ll have my two orders of O-toro sashimi, and one of Escolar waiting, and a chilled bottle of Momokawa Pearl sake for us to share when Jane and Joe aren’t looking.
Thank you for letting me crash at your place when I’d had too much of life. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for never making me feel like an outsider. You shared your love of life with me.
Thank you for being my wing-woman. Whenever I would start to seriously date a girl, Joss was my designated restaurant. With you as a waitress, I could submit for approval every young lady I was possibly interested in. You were a good judge of character, and I always valued what you had to say.
I don’t think I ever told you this story. I was having lunch with a young lady at UMBC who I had certain designs on. In the middle of lunch, I got a text message that your car was parked on UMBC circle with a flat tire. Changing your tire scored me massive points with the young lady, both because I was able to the man thing and get dirty working with machines, and she saw that I was willing to do anything for my friends. Truthfully though, changing your tire was the least I could do for you.
Do you remember the time Oscar and I built the bunk bed you and Olivia used to sleep in? It was Chinese New Year a couple years ago, and we had a huge party that Paul Choi and I had planned at your house that night. You’d bought a bunk bed set without ever measuring your room or the bed. That’s the Louisa I love and remember, someone spontaneous. So Oscar and I started putting the bed together, only to find out it wasn’t going to fit in your room. We got it built, only to have to dismantle it and make a trip to Home Depot to buy the power tools to cut it down to size. In the middle of building your bed set, Oscar and I decided we needed music to keep us motivated, so we booted up your computer. We ended up listening to hours and hours of BoA, because that’s the only thing that was on your hard drive. I think we went a little insane that day, listening to nothing but BoA. That probably explains why Oscar dropped Olivia’s bed on my head.
Thank you for making me sit through countless cheesy Hong Kong romance movies. I’m a white boy, and when it comes to watching movies with subtitles, there better be some kung fu involved. I sat through countless movies featuring Andy Lau, Cecilia Cheung, Sammi, and Miriam Yeung. I watched you and Olivia burst into tears at the sappiest, cheesiest romantic scenes. I may have laughed at you at the time, but I knew that you were a sweet girl, to be touched by such things.
When my life, work, and circumstance kept me away from our circle of friends, you were the one who kept in touch with me. We caught up over lunches at Nano and bottles of wine at Sly Fox. Thank you for those two habanero tuna rolls that tore me to pieces on my birthday this year. It’s a bittersweet reunion that your passing brings me back together with friends I have not seen in so long. Then again, it’s just one last gift you’ve given me, and I promise I will stay in touch with all of the friends you introduced me to, the Canto Crew, and everyone who loved you.
Thank you, Louisa, for all the memories, the smiles, the house parties, life in the Ghetto, the fobiness, the movies, the sushi, the sake, and all the good times. Thank you for everything you gave us. The tears we shed now, the pain of your loss that we feel now, are all worth it for every moment we spent with you.
When speaking to someone who’s friend has died, people often say, “I am sorry for your loss.”
I have nothing to be sorry about. There is no loss here, because I have not lost you. The loss would be having never met you. I have only gained in knowing you, in having my life touched by you.
Thank you, Lou, for giving us the opportunity to love you. Thank you for every moment you brought into my life.
Good night and sweet dreams, Lou.
***
Still loving you Lou, through the sadness and the madness here.
| | |
| Last Friday night I visited you at your restaurant. I'd had a pretty bad day, but you were always smiling. You joked with me about the usual order, knowing it before I even had to say it. Two orders of O-toro sashimi, an order of escolar sashimi, and a bottle of Momokawa Pearl sake came to my table, and I didn't even have to order.
Tonight, I will drink for you
While my friends ate, you and I spent most of our time talking. You snuck shots of sake while your manager wasn't looking, and we drank to friendship. We talked about our friend, who we thought we were losing, only now it's you who've been lost. Who will I talk to now? We talked about a friend who had just returned, and friend who was away. When will you come back?
I talked to you last night after you'd left work. I'd sent out an invitation to everyone to come to my bar, since it might be our last weekend open. You weren't able to make it, because of a friend's birthday. You wanted to know about the lunch I was going to have later this week with one of our friends. You told me you were going to be working at your new bar tonight if I wanted to come by for a drink since it was my night off.
Tonight, I will drink with you.
You were a good friend, Louisa. Your smile was infectious, you cheered me in even my most melancholy moments. My drinking buddy, my confidante, my friend. Late night talks at the Sly Fox after we'd closed over bottles of wine. 50% tips. The Ghetto. Cheesy Hong Kong romantic comedies. Crashing on your floor when things got bad.
Sweet dreams, Lou.
Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief,
I grieve...
| | |
|
