| Well kids, it's been about a week since Passion07 and I am still decompressing. It wasn't what I expected. It was...well, it wasn't the camp high sort of thing. I didn't leave all pumped up about going home and being on fire and never sinning again. And that, is sooooo good. I'm so glad it wasn't a camp high. I'm so glad I didn't have an "Aha!" moment. I just soaked in simple truths and God just continued what He had been doing in me all semester. See, I have been realizing (because the Lord has been showing me) that there is a huge gap lately between what I proclaim and how I live...well, at least how I think. I'm a good kid. People usually think I have it all together and I'm walking well with God. People think that my heart looks a lot more Christ-like than I know it does. So, the Spirit has been at work stripping away all of the lipservice and outward adornment(if you will) to show me what it is that I really think is truth. I say I want nothing more than for God to be glorified, but I everyday I want to be noticed, appreciated. There is something in me that thinks I deserve worship when I don't. I am the creation and as such, should point to the creativity and love of the Creator. HE deserves all of the worship. ...I say that I want to know the will of God for my life, but I can't even live out one whole day doing the revealed things. God's will is very clear in His Word...not the day to day plan for my life, but how I should live. I say I want to go wherever, whenever, and do whatever....but then I add stipulations on that proclaimation. I'll go if....I'll do that but first....how lame. The last night as we had our outdoor candle service, God gave me a great picture of what I have been doing. It was a windy night...not terribly windy, just a slight breeze. I was holding my candle and trying so hard to keep it lit. I turned to the left and right. I tried to stand closer to the people around me hoping they would sheild the flame. I cupped my hand around it trying to block the wind. I was fighting so hard to keep that tiny litte flame going. But it was distracting. I wasn't worshipping. I wasn't enjoying my King. I wasn't focused on Him. I was using all my energy working for this silly little candle. Finally, I thought, "What am I doing? I am missing it." So I let the flame go out and set the candle down and just worhipped...and it was so sweet. That's what I have been doing with my life....I'm such a rules person. I want to know HOW to walk with God. What does it look like? What does it mean? How do I feel on fire? So, I have been working so hard trying to make myself look like I'm on fire...I know what to say and how to answer questions with half-truths so people don't know I'm not spending time in the Word. I know when to laugh and when to cry, when to clap my hands and when to sit in "reverence". But I'm not getting anywhere. The smallest breeze of an unfortunate circumstance and my little flame that I have been fighting for is gone. I want to be done with that. I want to stop trying to love God and I just want to enjoy Him, worship Him, and be with Him. It's an every day....no, an every second thing. I have to wake up and humble myself and confess that I am tempted to try to earn it, conjure up holiness out of my own abilities. I have to stop every time I feel myself starting to believe a lie and cry out for help, and not only cry out for help, but also just look in His face and fall in love again. It's hard and I will need reminders and prayers, but it's so worth it. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord and we WILL wait upon the Lord. |
