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| it's snowing outside.
i woke up in a flurry myself.
so much going on in my head.
so much stirred up like usual.
'oh t.O, it always takes a few to entice me to stay... and i'm hooked'
i feel like i'm somewhere stuck between three places.
i'm so higghhh off the potential that i felt on nye.
the three places i have ever wanted to viably live - cali, new york, toronto,
i've had the chance to discover on my own in the past decade.
my three worlds are colliding,
what can i do
but to move forward,
and eat up all this potential energy.
really, potential love is what hooks me the quickest.
and i don't know yet whether or not i want to take the blue pill for life.
i know my sister's made that commitment, and i know i've only made it for now, in terms of my work. because it's been my job.
it's becoming more complicated to choose a path, as to, which direction to go,
because the older i get, i'm no longer looking for a direction, but it's a matter of choosing which direction,
and becoming more clear when i need to make the choices that i need also.
so what happens when you meet those potential lovers
when "timing" isn't right?
when "timing" really is all about making a choice whether or not to stay
wow.
potential energy has never been as enticing as it is now.
perhaps i'm getting ahead of myself,
but it's nice and refreshing from being so stuck in my past in the last year.
09 was a toughie,
and O-10 is going to be all about being 'present'.
resolute that apple J
yeeeeeea...
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|
i kissed a boy and i liked it.
thank god he wasn't wearing cherry lipstick.
although the straightest of the bunch.
hahahaha.
what a new years.
awesome day cheering myself up with GLEE
awesome homey fam dinner
awesome time getting ready
awesome drive down blasting my music on the dvp like old times. oh my pussy cat dolls. makes me feel like an independent wommmannnn...
cutey matching suspenders
pak-ed da kah-
and then got ZENed with awesome drinks,
green tea liquour, peach bubbly, orange slice
a walk down musical 08
then 09
then partay partay partay.
microwave countdown and telling me i'm "guuud"
popped over to see doggie,
ate a snitchzel,
hugged some friends,
and caught a cab to ossington.
baby was dead, so we walked linked to another b
drinks,
puff.
music,
exhale.
underware dj.
hot and heavy.
lovin
buttcrack
patio
cutttttieeee singing along to techno?
"oh you know this one"
me laughing so hard.
flashback to brussels.
"too much too much" LOL.
making out, called out. laughing so hard.
"where's vron?"
why can't we ever call vron?!
i don't know what happened in the last half hour. me either.
giggle.
let's go eat.
"don't wanna say bye"
"aww sweet"
"ok."
ny, t.o.
t.o. dreams
spadina streeet carrrr!!!
no cabbie.
ty ty peeing
hugging a pole.
on the steps of street car,
hiiiiigggghhhh, walking
to 88 pho.
crazy f-f-f-cuk man starting a fight. smashed his phone, accent, torn shirt, black eye.
throw down moneys, baller. hollah!
"let's GO!"
walk home.
510 street car.
freeeee!
home -- at last...
nope.
harbour game, made me feel like i was sleeping on the beach,
whaled -- in the hallway.
4:30am.
5:30 am.
VRON.
keys.
door.
SHOWER.
snugglie. snugggo -
SLEEP.
11:59am.
wakey wakey.
music.
clean up.
hot tea -- want the chinese bag o surprise?
"always"
"jer was like a bad part time job - telemarketing,
"my high thought" - animal media!!
euReka! nico was like a fun freelance job - no rules.
where's my full time job?
how do u know that he's the love of your life?
so cute fb right
"you're so cute, no YOU're so cute!"
"i love that you keep dancing."
"always"
'i always dance through life'
that's me!
then.
"he likes a girl with personality"
wholebagocrazy
hoebag?
whut?
dim sum. yum.
Ho Mmm HO?
h o m o, HALLO! :)
so HAHAHA! - shrimped out.
SNOWWWW!!!
DARK HORSE LONDON FOG, slip and slide walk back to conchord city.
PAPER HEART projected movie, balcony seating in living room,
snuggggle.
drove back to UP UP UP TOWN.
sweeeeet bbbbeaaammmah. simm simmah.
10 degrees to minus ten degrees.
i got the keys.
"firefly" steak.
30%, 40%, 50%???
raw.
i got chu V.
wassup.
home time.
it's been a full 24 hours.
happy O-10 y'all.
it's going to be an EPIC one.
even sam's microwave told me that i'd be so "good".
it was like a one hour trailer.
a mash up of what's to come.
the highs, the lows,
the potentials,
the moneys,
the conflicts and the crazys,
and the GOOOOOOOODDD TIMES with LOVING FRIENDS who spend time to make new memories,
who spend time to love you back,
and who just are there when u need
to make the NEW fresh again.
fresh face to the worrrllld!
easy,
breezy
beautiful.
cover me.
gurl.
PAix.
a new kind of CaLi, herrr i come.
i respekt yo space.
so i will give it to u.
with a fresh new perspective,
on how to be present.
like the gift.
that so binds me to my life.
each and every day
i wake,
to a new
day..
hasss.... commmmeee....
music is in my heart and soul again.
i'm so guud*
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| so tired and sad today.
perhaps it's my body telling me that i have one more day this year to feel like this, and then, it's over.
it's all over.
it will be all over.
2010,
to a new year, to new energies,
and no more emotional apocalypses,
and to loving what i do.
because what i do is enough, right now,
it has to be,
it will be.
it is.
and perhaps, seriously looking into getting a puppy soon. :)
you know, for some extra love in my life.
one more day,
for all those moments,
that i've looked behind this year,
for all the mourning and greiving for what's been lost,
and for all the sadness for the world around me today,
i have learned to feel what i need to feel,
to let it pass,
to express it,
and to move on.
it's time to move on,
it's time to move forwards,
and it's time to bring in the new year.
you're doing good you know,
really good.
be proud
of all that you've accomplish,
and to more to come,
you know you can, and will kick some food ass.
believe in the work you do,
believe in your passion,
and everything else will fall into place,
you are blessed,
just try to enjoy california,
plan your vaca.
yes. look forward to it,
don't drag nuthin.
spend time seeing friends,
driving around,
go to new restos,
go to the beach,
and stare at that pacific ocean like you do best.
take yourself to the observatory,
and go discover more of california.
perhaps you should spend a weekend in napa.
treat yourself.
hmm.
what a good idea.
we'll see.
and for now,
i should tuck myself in.
and have this last sad and tiresome day end.
thus marks the beginning,
of a more present janet,
a hard working janet,
and one who is driven to make the most out of everything she does and sees with as much heart as possible.
you are blessed,
you are loved,
and you are going to be so guud.
happy new year y'all!
xoxo
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| finding love is not finding a definitive,
it's like finding happiness in life,
it's a journey,
not a destination.
and all these years i've been going about it all wrong,
i am so blessed,
to have so many people love me.
and perhaps it's the fact that i HATE loosing things,
that i have trouble letting go,
that skews my perspective,
because when one person can impact you so greatly,
and then leave,
it's hard to not feel the heart ache over the reason,
it's hard to not be nostalgic for all that you had together,
and it's hard not to miss them, because you want more.
he adored you, but he didn't get you.
he adored you, he got you, but he didn't know how to appreciate you.
perhaps my next relationship is looking for the blessed moment where i realize
that he adores me, that he get's me, and that he appreciates all my crazy.
i feel like i'm getting close,
though i need to play it safe now, (or is that my self preservation kicking in? -- probably)
because i'm just learning and getting a hang of all this "taking care of myself" business,
i'm really proud of where i am now,
although lonely,
although yes, defaulting to my past emotional masochistic way of hanging on a lot...
but since i finished with school this semester,
i hit my emotional worries and fears right around the time when i was done, well they came in waves,
like usual,
but as promised, in less frequent ways,
i think i finally realized
that i was living in the past,
because i needed to buy myself time.
and i'm the queen of excuses.
my heart was just too damn resilient because nothing else came along.
which was fine,
cuz i needed time for myself too.
i needed to come along,
and smack myself across the face,
so that i can see all the other kinds of love manifested through my life,
through my other relationships,
and see,
just how blessed i am.
and just how AMAZING my friends are.
my three worlds are finally coming together,
my three once separate worlds - my roots in toronto, my past in cali, and my future in ny. and now they are meshing into one,
and reality is --
i've kept with me the things that have mattered the most out of every place i've ever lived --
friendship, family,
the people who mean the world to me.
and who constantly show me, and remind me so.
people who try.
who keep trying,
to make it work,
let go of those things who don't try.
god knows you TRY,
i always have hung on,
and maybe it was selfish of me,
to string him along too,
when he was just being polite in responding to me trying.
and now it's finally stopped.
"waves and cycles"
it is what it is,
and i've finally realized,
and i finally see,
that he isn't fighting for me.
and i keep having dreams lately,
where i step back into his world,
and there isn't even a trace of me left,
in his present.
and that's the scariest thing to wake up to.
perhaps this is best, before i fly over there.
growing away from my emotional apocalypse, and prevent it from happening, in a healthier way.
it's a good thing i have a greater distraction now.
and this distraction is becoming a great joy.
in getting to know someone new.
even though i don't just want to fall into someone's lap again, get all spoiled like a puppy,
and then loose myself all over again,
i know that
when you find love sometimes,
and your little heart as apprehensive as it maybe,
decides to "do it all over again"
you just gotta,
nads surf that wave out,
ride it,
look up,
and enjoy the crap out of it,
cuz your life is so guuuud.
and
reasonably so,
take that step forwards.
don't U hold U back,
life's full of hard decisions,
you need to let your heart drive you now.
you've always been good at that gurrrL.
and you've been hiding behind school for the past three months as an excuse.
*paix,
i can't wait to see my friends in CALi!!! xoxo
and i can't wait to see YOU, back in NYC. ;)
and for now,
i am loving all this FAM time in T.o. :)
| | |
| "i'm terrified that when we meet i won't feel anything anymore"
"bff..."
"i know i'll always love from a distance, but i'm scared that wont be enough"
"it will be."
for whom.
that's it.
whatever happened in the past few weeks did it.
perhaps that's called time.
perhaps it's called life.
perhaps, it's called reality.
i hate waking up feeling my fears.
my dream was so vivid, of returning someplace to see that you never thought would be different,
but in returning you get the dreaded closure that you need, but never want.
for most, it's the other way around.
i'm highly considering just skipping cali.
but my other friends mean a lot to me too.
and i need to see them. they are like family.
so were u.
it's always the hardest during the holidays.
yea yea,
"why do u guys still talk?"
well, it's not two way anymore,
i'm starting to turn into a crazy who just keeps messaging,
one way,
it's all me,
i do it to myself.
stop it.
stop hurting yo self silly.
silly bew yee.
so one song. not three this morning,
two sighs of tears,
to release the fears,
and that's it.
concentrate on what's real,
and who's real.
and that's always too damn easy :)
last night was a merry merry xmas indeed.
my body is so tired from the past week and i had so much patience yesterday to deal with my crazy family.
"aww baby is all grown up"
guud job, mui.
new york is really whipping me into shape.
someone's really growin up. :)
it was fun,
we laughed a lot,
and my brain is slowly replacing my past.
with new memories of my present,
with new people,
old cherished friends,
and new happy making,
even the new house gives me new energy,
i love it.
and it's wierd cuz it feels like we could've grown up here.
it's the dream house my parents finally got.
and we all love it.
so cheers!
to more happy times this holiday!!
what will be will be.
and it just is.
don't stop believing,
and don't trick yourself into thinking too much anymore,
because you are finding happiness again,
in the love that you surround yourself with each and every day.
happy happy holidays my dear friend*
love u so much.
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